to plan for 3 children with no family support

[LaVitesse2022]

Can it be done? Or is that something you wouldn't consider?

Our extended families are abroad so it's just me and my DH here. Am I mad to plan having 3 children in these circumstances? Is it doable or too much for just the two of us? I should say we've about an average hh income now, but very likely to increase in the next few years as my DH moves up his career. One DC currently.

I have two and live thousands of miles from family and would def go for the third if Dh would agree, but he's not keen right now and I am late thirties so running out of time to convince him lol.

I do have a very loving family and lots of support via text etc but no practical help. My parents didn't either when we were growing up so I never mentally factored it in I guess.

I just always wanted three. No more, no less. But I am so grateful for the two I have obviously. There is a big age gap between them which is great in a way but I'd love for DS2 to have a closer companion/ to have two together the way I was with my siblings. Entertaining DS1 by myself has always been hard work 😂

@Singleandproud I like your nan's rule.

Yes she was full of quirky (and quite wise) sayings.

We have three with no family support and have had care for elderly parents thrown in too but have managed. I think your relationship needs to be really solid, as they are the only person you have to truly fall back on. And a great network of friends helps too. Once you have lots of kids I’m always happy to have more in the house so I do lots of favours for friends, but also know I can call on them, which I appreciate. And we fill tricky gaps of e.g. getting our eldest to a choir in an inconvenient location with local 16 year olds keen to earn some extra money.

Very helpful practical tips, thank you!

I think a lot depends on you, your husband (how practical, organised, loving etc), how the kids are (SEN or not), where you live (getting help if much more difficult outside of big cities IME).
Your 3 will become your normal and you won't know anything different.

Difficulty wise 3 comes up as the worst number in research - you can't man mark a child each. Parents of 4 report finding it easier as you 'give up' a little

I had four. No family support and husband walked out the day before I found out I was expecting number 4.
They are all grown up now with their own families. It’s do-able.

I think it's doable but depends how capable your DH is and if you have money. We have two DC and no family support. Unlike pp I actually haven't found it much harder then having just 1 DC as they entertain each other, my eldest is now in school so get one on one time with my youngest, and my DH is perfectly capable of looking after both at once and doing bedtimes so I still get to go out and so does he. We have enough money to use nursery and babysitters, as well as having a cleaner. I don't think we would have had a second DC if we didn't.

It'd say it's totally possible if you have good childcare/nursery and flexible jobs.

I'm also 36 and want 3. I have a 2 year old and expecting no.2 when he'll be 2.5. We had been considering going for it pretty quickly after baby no.2 but my 'easy' DS has suddenly hit the terrible two's - throwing, hitting, throwing himself off things, climbing furniture to get the pictures on the wall, kicking his legs at full speed when trying to change him, going from loving to attempting to terrorise the dog in a split second. I know it's all a phase, he's great at nursery and an angel for others but it's made me reconsider at least the timing of no.3 as I don't want to spend all day dealing with toddler tantrums! In the last month I have gone from lets try again a year after no.2 arrives to still wanting a third but a much bigger gap!

I'm a bit further down the track so here's a couple of things to consider beyond those early years, either with benefit of hindsight or things that are now relevant that I didnt think about when in the preschool years

1. Both parents can generally enjoyably look after 2 young kids at same time, while 3 can be harder, depending on ages/ temperaments and interests- so tag teaming is easier with 2 than 3 and you'll get more time to pursue your own hobbies etc. with 2. Similarly, lots of other parents will take your two to play with their two, but not your 3 to play with their 2/3. 3. Hobbies- it's fine if they like the same things but if they don't, managing ECAs for 3+ is a LOT harder than for 2. Generally what I see is child 3 has no hobbies because the oldest 2 have already sucked up all the ECA capacity. 4. Uni is really expensive and unless you're low income you're expected to top up their loans - if you have three kids with small gaps they could potentially all be there simultaneously which could be ruinous or limit what they can do.

I stuck at 2 and am massively glad I did now they're teens as I just don't want my entire life to be dedicated to parent admin and Uni costs are also a consideration. When they were babies/toddlers I was really tempted by a third because "I've got the nanny anyway" but actually, the more tricky logistical bit was once they got to school and started developing interests.

Really insightful, thank you. You're right that we tend to focus on what it's like when they're babies and younger children but that's actually just a short period of their whole lives. Costs seem to also go up as they grow, and more complex social lives. Lots to think about.

Sounds like we're in a very similar situation! Albeit you being a little ahead. Gosh, I hope my also easy 1yo doesn't turn into a Tasmanian devil in a few months 🫣 But I strongly believe it's the fact he's been a relative breeze that I'm contemplating adding two others. If that changes, that might change... But as you say, it's a phase, hopefully your DS will be over it once baby is here.

Interesting, I didn't know that. I've always wondered what people feel is the hardest change: 0-1, 1-2 or 2-3...

My middle one was super chill and got harder at 3.5 and has been so ever since. But by then it was too late. His being so relaxed convinced us that we could totally manage a third. Fortunately our third was relaxed and continues to be so a good while in.

And for me, 0-1 was by far the hardest transition.

I have three and no family help. It's been fine for us. I imagine it would have been a whole load easier if we had family tripping over to help but you just play the cards you have. 0-1 is definitely the hardest.

We have 1, he’s now 4 years. No family in country and no support.

The advantage so far is that now he’s nursery age, or old enough to play a bit alone, I can actually get things done as I’m not watching a second. It’s only recently that’s happened as he was a super clingy, non sleeper for 3 years.

Also cost and time is a big factor. I can work part time around one child, but would probably need to put 2 or more into longer childcare each day. Things costs more every year now days, not just child age wise but in general. So if we had more the spare money to do nicer trips or save or house maintenance would be eaten up by day to day stuff

If dh or I take child out, the other actually gets an hour child free, instead of tag teaming a child each.

If we ever had a second it would be at least 5+ year gap now, so the cost and time still an issue, but we wouldn’t have multiple under 5s who generally need help with everything

He's also the reason I want 3 and that hasn't changed yet... just my thoughts around the timing of them haha. Lots of changes - nursery, potty trained, saying bye to his dummy have all fed in to it so as well as it being an age thing I do believe he'll settle when everything else does and unless baby no.2 is on another level we'll go for a third and enjoy it!

I think if you know you want 3 and can make it work then that's the right thing for you!

It’s doable but aside from finances and everything else, it also depends how much you value child free time. We have no family help so we do nothing on our own as a couple.

Yeah, this is the biggest downside, tbf. DH and I went on a weekend away for our 20th anniversary...and took the kids 😁 What can you do?

I have three with small age gaps. I wanted that and am very happy with it.

Plenty of the cons listed on here are true but the three of them get on brilliantly and we have a happy dynamic. However, all three are neurodivergent and whilst they are fine at primary school, I’m aware it could all fall apart at secondary.

The only thing I would say to this is when you're in the thick of it having young kids it's easy to get into the mentality of "what's one more"? You're barely sleeping anyway, or always making food, or doing laundry etc so crack on, but the thing is they grow up, and your life gets easier and suddenly having 2 kids is actually quite a breeze (and dare I say it, fun) but for those with 3, their lives are harder (not saying hard, that's subjective, but it's harder than 2). Financially it costs a lot more, in terms of time you're splitting yourself further and that reduces time with your other children, your partner or doing something for you.

I seriously considered a 3rd, I was really, really on the fence. But now I look back (mine are teens) and I think god I'm so glad we stopped. I really under estimated the value of time with the children as individuals, and look at those with 3+ more kids and their lives just look so much more difficult, I swear I'd just be a taxi!

To add to that I say that as someone who has a good amount of support, not on a daily basis as family still work full time, but they take the kids on holiday and have them for sleepovers and weekends occasionally which I credit the strength of our marriage on. Having even 2 without support sounds really isolating,never mind 3.

Life with babies is hard, it's not the most rational time to make that decision (though unavoidable!) but worth trying to really understand parenthood at the different stages, not just babies and toddlers.