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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I leave?

28 replies

Lonely13479 · 27/10/2024 08:48

Been with partner 10 years. I have a 14 year old son. Partner is not DS father.
I moved into partners home 8 years ago. He has no mortgage. In this time I worked out i have paid around £28,000 towards bills. I do my own supermarket shopping. He doesn't want to join me in this and instead chooses to use food banks. (I know 🫠). He is rolling in money. He is happy to eat out of date food or things that have gone off. I won't do this and instead buy my own food for myself and DS. We cook and eat separately most of the time although I do offer to make his meals, he declines and cooks his own things and eats them without us. I find this one of the most hurtful aspects of our dynamic for some reason. Anyway.
I have no say as to what happens within the home. There has been a problem with the toilet for a long time. It's about £700 to fix. I would pay this, but my issue is that it's his house and his job to do. He has the money, he just doesn't want to fork out for it. I have offered to pay half. But he still wont sort it out. Meanwhile we put up with a broken toilet. I feel resentful at this because I know it's about money and he doesn't care that the toilet is broken.
This is just one example. I paid for a new sofa as the one he had was so uncomfortable. He then flogged the old one for around £800 and pocketed that.
My son the other day said he wanted to live with just me. Just to add that DP is kind to DS although pretty disengaged. Its DS birthday soon and DP is going away for the entire weekend of his bday celebrations. This leaves me feeling like DP just doesn't give a f6ck. It's a horrible, lonely feeling. I am frequently on my own as DP likes to go out for long drinking binges with his mates. An example of this was when he went out at 2pm on a Thursday having finished work for the week and he returned at around midnight. He does call and text when he's out etc. I do not mind that he goes out, its not that, but it does not take away from the fact that I feel really lonely. I have tried to talk about this and all he does is make out that I should be able to get on and manage and be fine with his absences and that it's good to do our own things separately. I work incredibly hard at my job and I have put in a lot to get where I am and secure a good wage so i can support DS.

My question is, I am in a position where I could buy my own property and just leave and take DS and have our own home. I have been feeling unhappy for about 2 years. I have had counselling for this as I thought it was a 'me' problem. I have tried to talk about it several times. I get shut down. Please can you advise, mumsnetters? DP is a kind person but I don't think he's the right person for me. Shall I keep trying or buy my own home and leave?

You are being unreasonable- stay
You are not being unreasonable- leave

OP posts:
TwinklyAmberOrca · 27/10/2024 08:52

Why would you stay?!??

Listen to your DS. LEAVE! Get a home for just the two of you!

FleetwoodCam · 27/10/2024 08:53

He's choosing drinking over fixing the property that he owns and you contribute to?
And the food bank thing is abhorrent in my opinion. People donate to food banks believing it goes to those in very difficult circumstances, not working men who would rather spend money on beer. I'm not even sure how he can get food bank vouchers?

DrunkTinkerbell40s · 27/10/2024 08:55

I'm sorry but I couldn't be with someone who handled the household money in that way. He's happy for you to pay towards household expenses but you don't own anything at the end of it, you don't own a share in the house. Your relationship does not sound strong enough to put yourself in this financial position.
I would absolutely leave and set up a new home for you and DS xx

DrunkTinkerbell40s · 27/10/2024 08:56

And.... I would be totally put off him due to the use of food banks.

BMW6 · 27/10/2024 08:56

Well, obviously LEAVE!

There's no real relationship is there. You're just a lodger. There's no talk of affection between you, no feelings whatsoever.

Go get your own place with your son and start LIVING

BabyCloud · 27/10/2024 08:56

Listen to your child and go. For me saying that would be enough without the extreme cheapskate behaviour.

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/10/2024 08:57

What in God’s name is there to stay for? How does this man enhance your or your son’s life? Go already.

HesusCuckingFrist · 27/10/2024 08:58

Lonely13479 · 27/10/2024 08:48

Been with partner 10 years. I have a 14 year old son. Partner is not DS father.
I moved into partners home 8 years ago. He has no mortgage. In this time I worked out i have paid around £28,000 towards bills. I do my own supermarket shopping. He doesn't want to join me in this and instead chooses to use food banks. (I know 🫠). He is rolling in money. He is happy to eat out of date food or things that have gone off. I won't do this and instead buy my own food for myself and DS. We cook and eat separately most of the time although I do offer to make his meals, he declines and cooks his own things and eats them without us. I find this one of the most hurtful aspects of our dynamic for some reason. Anyway.
I have no say as to what happens within the home. There has been a problem with the toilet for a long time. It's about £700 to fix. I would pay this, but my issue is that it's his house and his job to do. He has the money, he just doesn't want to fork out for it. I have offered to pay half. But he still wont sort it out. Meanwhile we put up with a broken toilet. I feel resentful at this because I know it's about money and he doesn't care that the toilet is broken.
This is just one example. I paid for a new sofa as the one he had was so uncomfortable. He then flogged the old one for around £800 and pocketed that.
My son the other day said he wanted to live with just me. Just to add that DP is kind to DS although pretty disengaged. Its DS birthday soon and DP is going away for the entire weekend of his bday celebrations. This leaves me feeling like DP just doesn't give a f6ck. It's a horrible, lonely feeling. I am frequently on my own as DP likes to go out for long drinking binges with his mates. An example of this was when he went out at 2pm on a Thursday having finished work for the week and he returned at around midnight. He does call and text when he's out etc. I do not mind that he goes out, its not that, but it does not take away from the fact that I feel really lonely. I have tried to talk about this and all he does is make out that I should be able to get on and manage and be fine with his absences and that it's good to do our own things separately. I work incredibly hard at my job and I have put in a lot to get where I am and secure a good wage so i can support DS.

My question is, I am in a position where I could buy my own property and just leave and take DS and have our own home. I have been feeling unhappy for about 2 years. I have had counselling for this as I thought it was a 'me' problem. I have tried to talk about it several times. I get shut down. Please can you advise, mumsnetters? DP is a kind person but I don't think he's the right person for me. Shall I keep trying or buy my own home and leave?

You are being unreasonable- stay
You are not being unreasonable- leave

I cant believe this post because no one is able to sell a second hand sofa for £800. Load of nonsense.

If it is real then yes of course leave him.

MindenReload · 27/10/2024 09:01

I’m pretty sure that the actual food banks need proof of low income/vouchers and they can’t give out expired food, it sounds more like picking up supermarket food waste, but I know that’s not the point.
Obviously neither you or your son are happy. You’re very lucky tobe able to buy your own place, just leave and be happy. It doesn’t sound like he’s adding much to your life.
If you’re lonely in a relationship, you can as well be lonely on your own without having to clean someone else’s mess. 😁

Mindymomo · 27/10/2024 09:03

Look at how your life will be in a few years if you stay and I think you’ve already made your mind up. The food bank is definitely a no from me, how is he getting vouchers. I think I would rather be single and happy in my own home with DS.

AyrshireTryer · 27/10/2024 09:05

Go.

toomuchfaff · 27/10/2024 09:06

My son the other day said he wanted to live with just me.

There's the main reason to support and answer your question.

AgileGreenSeal · 27/10/2024 09:09

The most important sentence in your op.

“My son the other day said he wanted to live with just me.”

what are you waiting for?

blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 27/10/2024 09:09

The food bank thing hit me first. Surely those are for desperate people and are given to by the generous. Get your own place and leave!

BlastedPimples · 27/10/2024 09:11

Leave. Be happy. Be free.

MissUltraViolet · 27/10/2024 09:12

Ignoring everything else, the day your DS told you he is unhappy and wants to leave is the day you should have gone.

Go.

MyNewNewlife · 27/10/2024 09:18

Leave. Doesn't mean you have to end the relationship, you can still be friends or whatever. But have your own home and invest in yours and DS future and present happiness

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/10/2024 09:25

MyNewNewlife · 27/10/2024 09:18

Leave. Doesn't mean you have to end the relationship, you can still be friends or whatever. But have your own home and invest in yours and DS future and present happiness

Why would anyone want to maintain a relationship with a man who helps himself to food from food banks when he doesn’t need to, who treats their child badly, who won’t maintain a home to a basic standard and who drinks himself into a stupor all the time?

Spirallingdownwards · 27/10/2024 09:28

HesusCuckingFrist · 27/10/2024 08:58

I cant believe this post because no one is able to sell a second hand sofa for £800. Load of nonsense.

If it is real then yes of course leave him.

Show quote history

My friend just sold her leather one for the same amount. It was an expensive well known brand. So I am going to beg to differ.

Justsayit123 · 27/10/2024 09:30

Leave, take your sofa, all food and other stuff

purplebeansprouts · 27/10/2024 09:32

He's using you as a source of income.. nice

Chasingsquirrels · 27/10/2024 09:34

Leave

Hekett · 27/10/2024 09:36

How exactly does a rich bloke use food banks when they require a referral?

ThinWomansBrain · 27/10/2024 09:47

ignoring the financial side - an average of £3.5k annually to house you and your son does not sound that unreasonable - your life sounds miserable, he sounds like a miserly twat, your DS is unhappy and it doesn't seem much of a partnership.

What do you gain by staying? You state that you are lonely and unhappy, and you are in the fortunate position that you can afford to buy your own home.

Are the Estate Agents in your area open today?

Moveoverdarlin · 27/10/2024 09:47

Fucking hell. This is a no brainer OP. Sorry, but how can women be so…I dunno…in denial. Your son saying he’d rather live alone with you would be enough for me, even if you were living with the world’s nicest man. You sound like you are living with a fucking loser. Can mortgage free adults really get food from a food bank? It seems like a really odd setup, not a family. I feel for your 14 year lad who has to live with a disengaged bloke who eats gone off food and goes drinking for 10 hours.

Buy your own place, take your sofa and tell him to buy a new one with the £800. Or if he’s too tight, tell him there’s a half decent one in a lay-by off the local ring road. I would also contact the food bank and tell them that Mr Steve Collins of 14 Church Road, XXXX , XXXX earns £XX per annum, has no mortgage and £X savings in the bank.