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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel this upset?

29 replies

Mamasharp97 · 27/10/2024 08:31

For context,

we have an 8mo little girl

DH and I met at 13 and he wanted to kiss me even though he had a gf, I said no and told his gf, they broke up, and we (DH) became friends a little after
in 2021 after years of friendship we both become single and get together, 6 months in I find out he lied about his break up and it was because he cheated on his gf all the way through. We spent months working through it, got to a great place where we understood why he cheated and he was working on those traits in himself. Told him if he ever does it to me, or lies to me about women, it’s over.
2023 got married and started a family. Life has literally been perfect

just found out DH has been planning to meet up with a female work colleague when he’s told me he’s going to the gym on his own. We already work alternating days and I do a lot of the childcare - so I’ve been asking him to stay because that extra hour and a half co-parenting makes a huge difference to my day. He’s always stayed and not gone. He also spent night after night learning how to code for a course he’s doing - and I find out he’s actually been making her a programme to help her complete her dissertation, and lying to me about it. he never mentions her in his day, but will talk about other colleagues non stop.

aibu to feel like this is a betrayal and a repeat of history? I feel completely broken. Please don’t send the ‘once a cheat always a cheat and I should’ve known’ messages. We worked really hard in therapy and things have felt perfect since :(

OP posts:

Rosybud88 · 27/10/2024 08:38

All I can say is - I would hit the roof if my husband prioritised another woman in anyway over my daughter and me. That’s a hard line and unacceptable.

SauviGone · 27/10/2024 08:40

Told him if he ever does it to me, or lies to me about women, it’s over.

He lies to you repeatedly, every single day. He either knows you’re not serious about your ultimatum, or he doesn’t care.

I know you don’t want to hear “once a cheat” (and some posters will argue that he hasn’t cheated yet) but he’s “worked really hard in therapy” according to you and he still hasn’t changed, he’s lying to you about women, so…

ItReallyWasAgathaAllAlong · 27/10/2024 08:40

Told him if he ever does it to me, or lies to me about women, it’s over.

Do you mean this? Because he’s lied to you about a woman.

whitebreadjamsandwich · 27/10/2024 08:42

You cant hold what he did as a 13 year old child over his head forever

However, his actions as a grown man now are pretty dodgy

Cappuccinowithonesugarplease · 27/10/2024 08:43

No.
He is being sneaky, dishonest and unfaithful. Yes you can still be unfaithful without being physically involved. I'm sorry this has happened to you and burst your perfect bubble.
Thing is, if he can be dishonest about this then what else is he capable of?

toomuchfaff · 27/10/2024 08:43

aibu to feel like this is a betrayal and a repeat of history?

No YANBU to think that's it's a betrayal; and I think your immediately looking to history because you believe all the cliche about leopard s and their spots that you fought so hard to get over in therapy.

He has lied; whether it was for the ultimate goal of cheating or whether it was a pet project of coding because he had the skills and wanted to be a saviour is another matter. But it's still betrayal because he lied about his whereabouts and he made you believe something that wasn't true. That could be because he thoughts you'd jump to cheating, or it could be because his goal was to ultimately gain favour with this woman. That, you don't know.

purplebeansprouts · 27/10/2024 08:47

At 13 these things are somewhat expected. It's ridiculous to hold on to that assuming you're in your 30s now? But what he's doing now after you told him you'd leave is so foolish of him. You must stick to your ultimatum.

Dragonflysparkles · 27/10/2024 08:51

I am a little surprised you’re havering on about something he did when he was 13. That’s just odd.

basically he has never cheated on you. And it’s helping a female friend, and has lied about it. The question is why, is it you’re jealous and insecure so he lied to avoid the hassle he knew was coming, or he plans to cheat.

Original poster

Mamasharp97 · 27/10/2024 09:41

what happened when we first met felt relevant because the relationship he got into after that was the same one I found out he was cheating in (together 6 ish years).

I think you’re right I can’t hold that against him and I don’t. I think I mentioned it because I feel like an idiot and was overwhelmed with that this morning.

that aside, I am trying to figure out if I’m overreacting or not. He has female friends that I know about. He has spent many nights away since little one was born to go night fishing, been out for meals, none of it has been an issue. We have had a really calm discussion about it and I’ve been left feeling like I don’t know if I trust my gut or not. I’ve just gone non-contact with my parents and I have no one to talk to about it because I don’t really want to talk to my friends about it. I guess that’s why I posted

OP posts:

Dragonflysparkles · 27/10/2024 09:42

Mamasharp97 · 27/10/2024 09:41

what happened when we first met felt relevant because the relationship he got into after that was the same one I found out he was cheating in (together 6 ish years).

I think you’re right I can’t hold that against him and I don’t. I think I mentioned it because I feel like an idiot and was overwhelmed with that this morning.

Op, he was a child, whatever are you on about.

Original poster

Mamasharp97 · 27/10/2024 09:43

Dragonflysparkles · 27/10/2024 08:51

I am a little surprised you’re havering on about something he did when he was 13. That’s just odd.

I can see that point of view of helping a friend. I just don’t get why he get the need to lie about it when he spent so many nights coding with their being no issue in the first place- i was doing the night shift with little one on my own on the premis he was completing a training course so he could up his income, I don’t know

OP posts:

Original poster

Mamasharp97 · 27/10/2024 09:56

Dragonflysparkles · 27/10/2024 09:42

Op, he was a child, whatever are you on about.

Show quote history

He wasn’t a child when he cheated on his ex

OP posts:

Dragonflysparkles · 27/10/2024 09:59

Mamasharp97 · 27/10/2024 09:56

He wasn’t a child when he cheated on his ex

Show quote history

But he’s never cheated on you.

is this how you behave in real life? I can understand why he didn’t tell you. Maybe you need to seek help for whatever you have going on.

Trinity69 · 27/10/2024 10:03

How old are you OP? If I’m guesstimating correctly you’re early 20’s?

Hankunamatata · 27/10/2024 10:04

Couples counselling. His communication needs to be much better and stop lying.

Dragonflysparkles · 27/10/2024 10:05

Trinity69 · 27/10/2024 10:03

How old are you OP? If I’m guesstimating correctly you’re early 20’s?

Ah ok if she’s late teens early twenties that would explain it,

SauviGone · 27/10/2024 10:09

The 13 year old thing is a distraction.

He cheated on his long term ex throughout their relationship and lied to you about the reasons they split.

He did “loads of work” on himself in therapy, working on the reasons why he cheated, and you told him if you caught him lying to you about other women it’s over.

He’s been arranging to meet a female colleague and telling you he’s going to the gym - lying about another woman.

He’s told you he’s been learning to code for a course, leaving you to do the night shift alone with your 8 month old baby, when in fact he’s been writing a code for this female colleague to use - lying about another woman.

He’s a liar. You’ll never ever know if what he’s telling you is the truth.

Original poster

Mamasharp97 · 27/10/2024 10:18

Dragonflysparkles · 27/10/2024 09:59

But he’s never cheated on you.

is this how you behave in real life? I can understand why he didn’t tell you. Maybe you need to seek help for whatever you have going on.

Show quote history

he was still talking to and messaging the girl he cheated on his ex with in the first 6 months of our relationship (late night calls that he ‘can’t remember what was said’) and we’ve had therapy for that which is why I trusted he was telling the truth to me- not sure why you’re being so confrontational when a simple ‘think it’s unreasonable’ would suffice :)

OP posts:

Didimum · 27/10/2024 10:22

He has almost a lifelong history of putting his needs before others. I don’t particularly care if he was 13 the first time, it clearly just reflects his nature. I wouldn’t trust him at all.

PinkBlouse · 27/10/2024 10:26

whitebreadjamsandwich · 27/10/2024 08:42

You cant hold what he did as a 13 year old child over his head forever

However, his actions as a grown man now are pretty dodgy

Exactly. That’s quite mad. But the OP is clearly very young if he got into a six-year ‘relationship’ shortly after the 13 year old ‘incident’, in which he was unfaithful with the OP. Everyone involved was still a teenager by the sound of things.

FuzzyGoblin · 27/10/2024 10:26

I couldn’t hold someone’s behaviour at the age of 13 against them in the circumstances you describe. However, his current actions are unacceptable.

Life hasn’t been perfect since you got married and had a child, so you need to stop thinking it has been and reassess your whole adult relationship.

Astrak · 27/10/2024 10:33

I think that I would do a profit and loss balance sheet. On the profit side: what are the positive benefits that OH brings to the relationship? Emotional, financial, practical, social, support for you, his relationship with your baby? The negatives, as above. What are your plans for keeping going, and his contact with you and your baby if he left?

Beware of a possible legal fight if he chooses to go to Court.

Ohnobackagain · 27/10/2024 10:38

@Mamasharp97 if he was helping this woman (not sure why as dissertation should be her work) when you thought you were taking the extra childcare load to support HIS learning then he is bang out of order not to mention this is right on the line of ‘how friendships become something else’. You need to explain to him how this comes across …

Original poster

Mamasharp97 · 27/10/2024 12:17

Sorry I was actually unclear in my original post, I was really emotional and wanted to write it down rather than react explosively in front of my daughter. He broke up with that girl when we were kids, and was in another relationship afterwards for 6-7 years and he cheated on her with a girl the whole time. Then they broke up, he lied to me about why, we got together, 6 months in I found out the truth and that he was still talking on the phone to said girl. Therapy after that made things easier and everything felt healthy and great until this event last night. Hope that makes more sense. I thought he’d changed and part of me believes him that it was innocent. I feel really confused

OP posts:

PinkBlouse · 27/10/2024 12:22

Honestly, I don’t think fourteen-year-olds can ‘cheat’ on people. They’re barely old enough to figure out simultaneous equations, and are far too young for ‘exclusive’ relationships in any case. However, his behaviour now, in adulthood, is giving cause for concern. That’s the thing to focus on, not whether he’s the same person he was at 13!

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