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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Group Chat

43 replies

BuenosAiresTango · 26/10/2024 21:59

I am not sure if I am over analysing or not so grateful for views! Whilst on mat leave, I met a lovely group of local mums. There’s 5 of us and out of the 5, 4 of us keep in touch and the group is active nearly everyday. We share things about our lives and I view them as my close friends! But one of the ladies clearly just wanted to be friends whilst on mat leave, and for the last few months reads all the messages daily, but ignores them all. Recently I’ve been reluctant to share as much in the group given she just reads and ignores, even though the other 4 reply. I guess from a privacy perspective and sending pics of my little one etc. None of the others seem to be bothered…but AIBU to go a bit distant as I don’t feel comfortable? people post normal things about their lives but also more serious ones eg someone’s DC was in hospital and read and ignored.

She is still friends outside of the group with one of the ladies and they meet up etc, but anything discussed in the group chat or meet ups or anything else is completely read and ignored and it makes me uncomfortable she’s reading it! Or am I just being a drama queen! (I have raised it with the others who say they don’t mind…) I just don’t feel comfortable.

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 26/10/2024 22:02

Could you perhaps start a new group chat ostensibly to arrange a specific meet up for the four of you, and then slowly just start using that one more?

Original poster
BuenosAiresTango · 26/10/2024 22:03

takealettermsjones · 26/10/2024 22:02

Could you perhaps start a new group chat ostensibly to arrange a specific meet up for the four of you, and then slowly just start using that one more?

The issue is that there’s rarely one meet up that all of us can attend! It’s usually just 3 of us. Otherwise a fab idea!

OP posts:
NewName24 · 26/10/2024 22:06

How do you know she has read it, in a group chat ?
In a 1:1 chat, I know the ticks turn blue, but in a group chat I can't see who has read anything ?

But either way, that is fairly normal in a group formed of people who happened to have a baby at the same time. It is great to have adults to chat to who are going through what you are at the time. It doesn't mean everyone is going to become lifelong friends.
It is more than feasible that she doesn't have headspace for daily chats.
That doesn't make her wrong, just has a different level of need from you.

Original poster
BuenosAiresTango · 26/10/2024 22:08

NewName24 · 26/10/2024 22:06

How do you know she has read it, in a group chat ?
In a 1:1 chat, I know the ticks turn blue, but in a group chat I can't see who has read anything ?

But either way, that is fairly normal in a group formed of people who happened to have a baby at the same time. It is great to have adults to chat to who are going through what you are at the time. It doesn't mean everyone is going to become lifelong friends.
It is more than feasible that she doesn't have headspace for daily chats.
That doesn't make her wrong, just has a different level of need from you.

In group chats I also get a blue tick. I totally understand that but then surely she could leave the group if she’s not interested?

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 26/10/2024 22:08

NewName24 · 26/10/2024 22:06

How do you know she has read it, in a group chat ?
In a 1:1 chat, I know the ticks turn blue, but in a group chat I can't see who has read anything ?

But either way, that is fairly normal in a group formed of people who happened to have a baby at the same time. It is great to have adults to chat to who are going through what you are at the time. It doesn't mean everyone is going to become lifelong friends.
It is more than feasible that she doesn't have headspace for daily chats.
That doesn't make her wrong, just has a different level of need from you.

If you long press on your last message so that it's highlighted, then press the 'i' at the top, it tells you who's read it!

ManchesterLu · 26/10/2024 22:14

She probably just doesn't have the time! She has to fit in everything she did before, plus work. It'll take her time to get used to it. It's probably a seriously difficult time for her. Just keep using the group as you usually do, plan meet ups, chat etc, and let her include herself as much as she wants to.

Original poster
BuenosAiresTango · 26/10/2024 22:15

ManchesterLu · 26/10/2024 22:14

She probably just doesn't have the time! She has to fit in everything she did before, plus work. It'll take her time to get used to it. It's probably a seriously difficult time for her. Just keep using the group as you usually do, plan meet ups, chat etc, and let her include herself as much as she wants to.

But for 3 months she’s read and ignored everything…and I don’t feel comfortable sharing photos etc. peoples children have been unwell and she just ignores? It’s rude.

OP posts:
NewName24 · 26/10/2024 22:15

Thanks @takealettermsjones . It doesn't on mine. Maybe it's an i-Phone thing ?

But either way, in a group chat, it doesn't really matter who has read it, IMO. If you don't want someone to know something, then message the person it is intended for privately.

OhMyGollyGoshGosh · 26/10/2024 22:16

It does sound a tad dramatic really.

You're parting with the same information whether she can be bothered to reply or not.

NewName24 · 26/10/2024 22:17

I totally understand that but then surely she could leave the group if she’s not interested?

Doesn't mean she isn't interested though. It just means, at the moment, she doesn't have the energy / headspace to contribute.

Original poster
BuenosAiresTango · 26/10/2024 22:17

I’ve deliberately stopped giving much information in the group tbh.

OP posts:
NewName24 · 26/10/2024 22:17

ManchesterLu · 26/10/2024 22:14

She probably just doesn't have the time! She has to fit in everything she did before, plus work. It'll take her time to get used to it. It's probably a seriously difficult time for her. Just keep using the group as you usually do, plan meet ups, chat etc, and let her include herself as much as she wants to.

This

OhMyGollyGoshGosh · 26/10/2024 22:20

BuenosAiresTango · 26/10/2024 22:17

I’ve deliberately stopped giving much information in the group tbh.

Why? What do you think she's going to do with it that she wouldn't do with it if she bothered replying?

takealettermsjones · 26/10/2024 22:21

NewName24 · 26/10/2024 22:15

Thanks @takealettermsjones . It doesn't on mine. Maybe it's an i-Phone thing ?

But either way, in a group chat, it doesn't really matter who has read it, IMO. If you don't want someone to know something, then message the person it is intended for privately.

Oh I don't have an iPhone either... I don't know 😂 I'm going to Google it!

Sorry for derail OP. 😅

TheKitchenSink34 · 26/10/2024 22:37

Either create a new group or accept she's not replying at the moment and carry on. I don't know why you don't want to share as much in the group anymore? It's not like she's a complete stranger who's getting all your info and pictures, she probably just doesn't want or have the time to share that much anymore. She could also be going through a really difficult time and finding the group updates overwhelming or guilt-inducing but doesn't want to leave the group and look rude. Unless you have reason to think she's a shady/sinister person, I don't really get why you don't want to share things anymore just because she doesn't reply?

Marmalady75 · 26/10/2024 22:42

It does sound like drama queen behaviour tbh and you are cutting off your nose to spite your face. If you pull back and don’t post much, aren’t you just as bad as her???

Barezvizar · 26/10/2024 22:43

Bit odd for you to pull back from the group.

Maybe she enjoys seeing the messages but hasn't got time to reply, or she replies to people individually?

Original poster
BuenosAiresTango · 26/10/2024 22:44

Marmalady75 · 26/10/2024 22:42

It does sound like drama queen behaviour tbh and you are cutting off your nose to spite your face. If you pull back and don’t post much, aren’t you just as bad as her???

Edited

Maybe it’s just the pictures I feel uncomfortable with. I don’t post my children online etc to people I don’t know/am not close
to so perhaps I’ll keep posting but no pics.

OP posts:
2024onwardsandup · 26/10/2024 22:44

What do you think she’s going to do with the information?

mrsm43s · 26/10/2024 22:49

Do you know what? If one of my friends was reading and not replying to group messages, my first thought would be "I hope she's OK", not "how can I push her out of the group".

Original poster
BuenosAiresTango · 26/10/2024 22:50

mrsm43s · 26/10/2024 22:49

Do you know what? If one of my friends was reading and not replying to group messages, my first thought would be "I hope she's OK", not "how can I push her out of the group".

Of course I have privately messaged her and she didn’t reply. But she is often out and about with another from the group! Maybe it’s a problem with me!

OP posts:
FuzzyGoblin · 26/10/2024 22:50

She’s not a stranger though and I think you are being quite unfair to want to place a rule on what is an acceptable amount of interaction and what isn’t. If she’s recently gone back to work, perhaps she is struggling? Have you actually tried contacting her to see how she is getting on?

If you distance yourself then you need to accept you are doing the same thing that she is, and the others might be as judgemental as you and you’ll end up without any of them as friends.

Original poster
BuenosAiresTango · 26/10/2024 22:51

FuzzyGoblin · 26/10/2024 22:50

She’s not a stranger though and I think you are being quite unfair to want to place a rule on what is an acceptable amount of interaction and what isn’t. If she’s recently gone back to work, perhaps she is struggling? Have you actually tried contacting her to see how she is getting on?

If you distance yourself then you need to accept you are doing the same thing that she is, and the others might be as judgemental as you and you’ll end up without any of them as friends.

Yes I have and have been ignored multiple times. But we hear from another in the group that she is doing fine!

OP posts:
2024onwardsandup · 26/10/2024 22:57

She’s either doesnt have capacity for and/or doesn’t want to be part of the group in a big way. She’s not obliged to. She probably doesn’t want to leave the group because that is a bit of a nuclear option or she hasn’t even given it a seconds thought.

Im on loads of WhatsApp groups. Wouldn’t cross my mind to be bothered about this except to be worried if something was amiss with her - which you know is not the case.

mrsm43s · 26/10/2024 23:03

BuenosAiresTango · 26/10/2024 22:50

Of course I have privately messaged her and she didn’t reply. But she is often out and about with another from the group! Maybe it’s a problem with me!

Show quote history

How odd you didn't mention that exceptionally important fact in your opening post. Indeed, also odd is that you're more bothered by her not participating in a group chat than not replying to your personal messages of concern. Almost unbelievable...