Group Chat

[BuenosAiresTango]

I am not sure if I am over analysing or not so grateful for views! Whilst on mat leave, I met a lovely group of local mums. There’s 5 of us and out of the 5, 4 of us keep in touch and the group is active nearly everyday. We share things about our lives and I view them as my close friends! But one of the ladies clearly just wanted to be friends whilst on mat leave, and for the last few months reads all the messages daily, but ignores them all. Recently I’ve been reluctant to share as much in the group given she just reads and ignores, even though the other 4 reply. I guess from a privacy perspective and sending pics of my little one etc. None of the others seem to be bothered…but AIBU to go a bit distant as I don’t feel comfortable? people post normal things about their lives but also more serious ones eg someone’s DC was in hospital and read and ignored.

She is still friends outside of the group with one of the ladies and they meet up etc, but anything discussed in the group chat or meet ups or anything else is completely read and ignored and it makes me uncomfortable she’s reading it! Or am I just being a drama queen! (I have raised it with the others who say they don’t mind…) I just don’t feel comfortable.

In all honesty I did send them a while back and didn’t hear anything back. So I should’ve mentioned in my first post but it slipped my mind. Sorry.

So if she fawns over the pics with "Gawgus hun" etc, you'll be fine?

It makes no sense.

They're the same pics whether she comments or not.

If you stop communicating on the group you will also look like you are pulling away?

Just cause its got a blue tick doesn't mean she's actually read it, just clicked on it.

If it bothers you but not the others, you have two choices.

1. Don't let it bother you

1. Leave the group

YES! This.

What you are saying doesn't make sense. If she posted an occasional brief reply you'd be fine with her seeing pics of your kids but because she doesn't, you're uncomfortable with it? Were you uncomfortable with her when she was participating in the group? If you were happy to share photos with her before I'm not sure why you aren't now. It sounds like you just don't like her TBH.

She doesn’t need to ‘earn’ your trust by responding — she’s back at work and has a baby. It’s busy! It’s deeply illogical that you would feel you ‘trusted’ her if she periodically responded with some platitude and a few emojis.

Anyway, you either find a way of minding less about this or leave the WhatsApp group.

You don't know she didn't private message thr person with the unwell child

Do you think she's been used as a pawn by a pervert now? It's such a weird response. "You haven't met my arbitrary requirements for activeness so you cannot see my baby anymore"

She probably hates pointless drama and realises it would cause more if she abruptly left this chat that she has no interest in (r you OK hun??? Y did u leave the chat?? Have I done something 2 offend u???) than if she simply stayed there and ignored it all.

She's busy. I promise you she is expending zero fucks over this Internet chat, when she is probably thinking about HR problems at work, the leaking toilet in the ensuite, the teething baby, what to get her in-laws for their anniversary, what to have for tea...

Maybe she's like me and isn't bothered by seeing pictures of other peoples kids

How much interaction from her would be acceptable for her to be allowed to see pictures of your child.

A thumbs up reaction
A heart reaction
A comment saying "nice picture "
A comment saying "wow that's amazing, you are an awesome mother "

Maybe she’s waiting for something interesting to happen….

I'm sure she's just busy. Why not ask her a question.

"Hey @notreplying, how's the return to work been? How is your little one getting on? Hope it's all going well"

If she doesn't reply to that I think you'll have grounds to set up a new group or kick her out.

You seem quite intense/ overthinking things.

Shes busy, she maybe has other things going on that you have no idea about.

if it bothers you that much plan an event- then once everyone else bar her is going to that event set up a new chat for the event. That way you have both chats- it’s nit unusual for groups of my friends to do this so those not going to the event don’t get spammed.

I am wondering though does everyone else post an equal amount? Or do you post more? Does everyone post pics? Roughly how many messages a day? If she’s back at work she wouldn’t have time to look at 45 messages a day of pictures at the pumpkin patch and would miss information that was important in the chat- like the sick kid. And yes most people would mute the chat and pop it in their archive then click every so often to clear the notification. On the other hand it’s a couple of messages a week it’s a bit more pointed perhaps, but don’t overthink it.

@BuenosAiresTango I completely understand you. She's gone from participant to observer and that would make me uncomfortable too. If I were her I would feel uncomfortable as well. I recently left a group because my child changed activities so only keep in touch with 1 mum. I felt like a peeping Tom looking but not participating so I left. Maybe she feels obliged to stay though? Like she thinks she will hurt someones feelings if she leaves the group? And mayve she has cancelled the notifications and she's not reading. Maybe she is mad at one mum in the group and doesn't feel confortable sharing? So many possibilites but I agree it's slightly unsettling..

It's not rude. The group isn't her priority - simple.

You have absolutely no idea what is going on in her life, You mention she works, she is also a new mum, she could have dreadful time zapper relatives, she could have dreadful PILs, she could have literally anything going on. She could have 0.001% of time to dedicate to reading and answering messages in the group. Someone can be "fine" that doesn't mean they have prioritised what you consider a priority.

Frankly it's rude of you to expect anything from her. By all means restrict what you share, that's your perogative, do that because its right for you. But don't restrict because she isn't interacting to your satisfaction. To the level that you think they should. How very entitled of you to think that you have any say in how much someone else interacts with a group.

maybe she is taking time to adjust to being back at work or has other issues, but likes to feel she's in touch even if she's not replying.
As long as she's not posting images/gossip all over social media, I don't really see the issue.
If you're the WhatsApp admin, why not message her (or god forbid, have a conversation) ask if she's OK, you've seen she's not been active in the group recently, would she like you to remove her.