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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friends since 16 and can't seem to salvage it

27 replies

Manchesteruser · 26/10/2024 21:51

I've been friends with C since we were 16. She's had some very hard times, been very into drugs in past years. She now has 4 adult children and her life still isn't easy. In the past I've helped her quite a bit financially.

I've been very supportive over the years because mostly our friendship was lovely and we had laughs, supported each other etc.

But gradually it began to change. She started getting irritated with me, wouldn't go anywhere I suggested, was negative about my friends and often downright rude to me.

Around about lockdowns I felt I didn't need that in my life and withdrew from the friendship. I felt she wasn't nice to me. Then my husband got cancer, he's OK now but it was an awful time. We had to self isolate a lot because of his health vulnerablability during treatment and she wouldn't accept it. Was actually really horrible to me.

Since then we've seen each other occasionally. She's become quite reculsive. When we see each other she's very critical of me and it's just not enjoyable. I don't feel I've done anything wrong apart from tell her bluntly why I withdrew when I did but I'm scared. She's critical of me so much anyway and I feel she'd be really nasty.

Point is I still love her but I want a more distant, casual friendship where she's not picking fault with me. Just a casual coffee or drink now and then. It's so intense.

Any suggestions? Maybe I haven't been clear, so much more but I'd go on forever...

OP posts:

Original poster

Manchesteruser · 26/10/2024 21:52

I have 2 adult children around same age as hers by the way

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Original poster

Manchesteruser · 26/10/2024 21:54

I mean I haven't told her bluntly (or at all) why I backed away from the friendship

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Original poster

Manchesteruser · 26/10/2024 21:57

I've been too cowardly to because she's so critical as it is.

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Original poster

Manchesteruser · 26/10/2024 22:20

No one?

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PerpetualPeppa · 26/10/2024 22:28

i think because you've been friends so long she may have taken you for granted over the years. friends are there to make life easier, to lean on for support and to provide support when they need it, but if its a constant drag, it doesnt sound like a great friendship. it doesnt matter in my opinion that youve been friends since 16.

Noseybookworm · 26/10/2024 22:31

Why perpetuate a friendship with someone who treats you badly? She was a good friend once upon a time. She's not now. Life's too short to spend time with people who are nasty to you. I wouldn't be seeing her any more. You can message her and tell her why if you're worried about a face to face conversation.

catsnore · 26/10/2024 22:32

Back off and stop communicating? Just say you're busy and can't meet up for a bit. Repeat until the intensity starts to fade. Then only meet for casual coffee and if she starts being nasty, leave. You need to put up your own boundaries - but only you know what those will be and you will have to police them yourself. I think it's probably pointless explaining to to her as she has firm for being nasty.

Do you really want to carry on being friends?

Merryoldgoat · 26/10/2024 22:36

I don’t really understand - you are already more distant friends. What more do you want to withdraw from?

Personally I just steer clear of people who I don’t like and who clearly don’t like me and your ‘friend’ fits this category.

IamnotwhouthinkIam · 26/10/2024 22:45

I’m guessing few people have responded because of course YANBU to back away from someone who drags you down but is only a friend - so you don’t owe in any way (ie. not your own child or your elderly parent who was good to you when young etc).

Everyone has bad days or even months but it sounds like she’s been nasty to you for several years now- so why would you come back for more? It’s not being a fair weather friend to back away from continual criticism. You say you have helped her in the past and presumably she’s helped you too, but it sounds like it’s time to move on. Peoples lives change.

Up to you whether you tell it her straight or not - “Do you realise that whenever we talk, you criticise me? I find it very upsetting, which is why I’ve been distant”. But from what you have said, it doesn’t sound like she’d take it very well, so it’s up to you whether doing “the right thing” is more important than the potential upset to you. Or whether you’d at least feel you got “closure” over a long friendship by telling the truth, so any more verbal abuse/denials etc would be worth it.

Original poster

Manchesteruser · 26/10/2024 23:04

We only see each other very rarely nowadays but today was the first time in 6 months and again she was critical of me. Saying I was behaving oddly, being really fussy about where we went etc. I suppose I don't want the friendship to 100% end because I miss what we had for years. But one day (around the time my husband had cancer) I put up boundaries and rather than improve things they got worse

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Original poster

Manchesteruser · 26/10/2024 23:07

I'm normally an honest person and say what I think but it always feels so exhausting and upsetting

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TheFlakyPoster · 26/10/2024 23:15

It's okay to step away from friendships that aren't healthy and overall leave you feeling bad after you've spent time together. I recently had to do this with a friend I've known for 15 years. I just felt crappy and criticised by them every time we met up. It doesn't matter how long you've known them, it doesn't matter if you've previously had some nice memories. Why don't you take a break from it for a bit, you'll probably find you don't miss her in your life.

Original poster

Manchesteruser · 26/10/2024 23:23

I mean she was really fussy about where we went, not me.

I have stepped back, we hardly see each other but when we do she's still gripping at me and I just want it to be friendly and nice.

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BMW6 · 26/10/2024 23:26

You can't turn back time to how your friendship used to be.

Original poster

Manchesteruser · 26/10/2024 23:43

I think we could turn back time, we were friends forever but she seems confrontational always. Just so painful

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AgileGreenSeal · 26/10/2024 23:50

You can’t ‘fix’ her, OP.
You can’t turn her into who she was back in the day.

Let go.
sorry xx

Original poster

Manchesteruser · 26/10/2024 23:53

I know I can't fix her but she seems to think it's me. I genuinely don't want a row or stress, just a friendly cup of coffee and no difficulties over where we go or what I've done wrong.

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Original poster

Manchesteruser · 26/10/2024 23:57

And though this shouldn't make a difference I gave her quite a bit of money a short while before I pulled back from our friendship. I wanted to help her as she'd always had so many difficulties. If anything that seemed to make things worse. I didn't want massive thanks or anything but seemed to have compounded things. I think she thinks it's always been easy for me but it hasn't. I don't regret the money though but it didn't help.

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LettuceSpray · 27/10/2024 00:02

OP you aren’t really responding to the helpful comments on here. Instead you just keep in repeating about the horrible way she treats you and then saying you want her to be nicer.

We all hear loud and clear that she is no longer nice to be around because of the unpleasant way she behaves. And, her nastiness has been going on for a while now. It’s really sad as you have known each other for a long time, however there is nothing you can do to change an adult. It might feel irrational to you but she obviously believes her behaviour is ok. The only thing you can do is to detach yourself from her. It’s really sad, but that’s the way it is.

Her behaviour is unacceptable and you can’t force an adult to be a different person. Gradually detach and put up boundaries. There is no other way around it.

Attelina · 27/10/2024 02:05

Manchesteruser · 26/10/2024 23:53

I know I can't fix her but she seems to think it's me. I genuinely don't want a row or stress, just a friendly cup of coffee and no difficulties over where we go or what I've done wrong.

If you can't say that to her then there is no point I continuing the friendship.

toomuchfaff · 27/10/2024 10:06

Just because time has passed, doesn't mean that something has value.

She was a good friend, people change, she has shown you who she is. Question is - forgetting the history, if you met this woman today at a coffee shop, and you were chatting, and she treated you like she does, acted like she does, would you want to be her friend? I think that's a No.

Don't put up with someone treating you badly just because you happened to meet them a long time ago. Time isn't a reason to lower your standards.

Original poster

Manchesteruser · 27/10/2024 14:15

Thank you all. I think I'll send her a message saying I've cared about her for so long and still do but feel criticised every time we meet and that things seem weird/different now because I've stepped back because of this. That all I want/wanted was a friendly catch up now and then over a coffee not a critique of what I've done wrong etc. I don't expect it'll be well received and it'll be the end of the 'friendship' but I can't think of another way other than ghosting her if and when she wants to get together next and that seems crueler.

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CoffeeCantata · 27/10/2024 15:36

I don't think there's a future for this friendship.

I'm sorry - she doesn't sound very nice to start with, and frankly, once people start being so nasty on meet-ups it's unlikely that things will improve. I'd guess (on very little information) that she's resentful of you for some reason. You'll never be able to do anything right in her eyes.

Walk away with dignity.

CoffeeCantata · 27/10/2024 15:38

To add...

Make it clear the ball's entirely in her court. I'd say that I felt she didn't enjoy my company and didn't like me any more, but I'd been mistaken about that and she did actually want to re-kindle the friendship, I'd be open to it, but she would have to make the effort, not me. And then I 'd just sit tight and if she didn't make contact, forget her.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 27/10/2024 15:46

Has she repaid the loan?

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