To never let child see friend again

[GentleWasp]

Child saw friend regularly for play dates and all seemed fine when 1 on 1. In school the friend was belittling, name calling and putting down child in front of others resulting in child crying most days. Culminated in friend hitting child. Called friends mother and she had a word with her child - told them that isn’t how you treat your friends etc and friend hasn’t been mean to child since then (2 months give or take). However it turned out this wasn’t the first time friend had hit child.

DH is furious and has banned friend from home forever and not allowing child to see friend. I disagree but there’s nothing I can do about it. Have tried to talk to DH to see if child and friend could perhaps see each other on a very limited basis and keep an eye on their interactions but he says no flat out and it’s not up for discussion. He wants to protect child, which I understand. But also maybe friend will behave now their mum has told them off. Both are final year of primary school.

I’m in a really awkward situation because I really like the friend’s mum. She’s so nice and keeps asking for the kids to spend time together and I just have to keep saying we are busy. What can I say to the mum without blaming it all on DH?

How old are these kids?

banning outright seems harsh if they are young and still learning…

15 year old hitting another very different to a 5 year old…

Your problem here is your DH. He is entitled to an opinion. You are too, who made him the boss?

So the kids are 10/11? Is the school involved?

Team DH here - far too old to be hitting another child (any age is dreadful, but even more at this age!!) keep away

Well you can't stop them ever seeing each other unless you plan on changing schools in the last year of primary? I agree with you. As long as your DC is comfortable with seeing the other child then you need to step back now. More than likely it is sorted, but make an extra effort to try and engage in conversation with your DC and make sure they are able to tell you if anything else happens, so you can take further steps if necessary. I wouldn't arrange time together outside of school unless it was at the request of your DC though.

If DH wants to lay down the law about this OP, then I don't understand why you don't just tell the friend's mother the truth, and let him take responsibility for his decision if she reacts badly. Just tell her that as far as you're concerned you'd like the kids to still play together, but DH is adamant that it's not to happen. Also, how can your DH be so firm about it, when presumably the kids still see each other and play together at school?

DH gets 'a day' he does not get to 'rule'. Why are you letting him?

Does your own child really want to see this "friend" who has been so nasty?

During junior school DD1 had a close friend who she told me was mean on occasion and hit her a few times, but would always apologise after and make it up to her. DD said she wanted them to be friends and although I had my reservations I did not prevent it. DD was popular and had other friends too. I thought that was a protective factor. Many years later DD confided in me that the friend had been really awful in a sustained and bullying way, far more than we knew, and that DD had felt unable to speak about it at the time. I deeply regret not taking a stronger line about the friendship. I have done lots of good things as a parent but I made a big mistake over this one. I’m with your DH. Though his attitude of being unwilling to discuss it is unattractive.

I feel your DH is being very unreasonable here.

They are children, children naturally make mistakes and poor judgements at times as the friend has done. If since he has been told by his mother his behaviour has changed for the better then he has clearly had that behaviour pointed out, and he has had to reflect and make a decision to not do it again.

Sounds like you don’t have a partner who is able to come to a fair or reasonable compromise, and is instead laying the law down with a decision which as a parent comes down to both of you. Is this something he often does? Completely disregards your feelings and opinions and refuses to discuss it further? If so please consider if this is healthy for you to live with, because it appears to be very toxic and controlling behaviour from the outside.

If your child still wants a friendship this could end up causing a lot of anger and resentment down the line.

This kid is putting your child down, making them cry and getting physical. Why on earth do you want them to keep seeing each other. Team DH

Bad behaviour doesn’t make for nice guests and it works both ways. My children know to be nice and polite so they are invited for play dates. If their “friends” have been rude arseholes, they aren’t invited around. You’re doing your child no favours encouraging a friendship with an aggressive child.

It is a bit unusual for children this age to hit their friends. It sounds like you are prioritising your friendship with the mother because you don’t want it to be awkward whereas your DH is teaching your child that people hitting them is not something they should have to put up with.

I’m in a really awkward situation because I really like the friend’s mum. She’s so nice and keeps asking for the kids to spend time together and I just have to keep saying we are busy.

Stop being such a wet blanket and advocate for your child!! Tell the truth!!

I'm torn on this one. Your DH is out of line IMO for making a unilateral decision. Why does he get the final say if you disagree? That's not how things work in a partnership.

On the other hand, this kid sounds pretty awful. So I don't necessarily disagree with his viewpoint but just with the way he expects to get his way without discussion.

So a 10 or 11 year old girl is hitting your daughter? And you want them to be friends?

Your DH is on a hiding to nothing banning them from seeing each other. They're at the same school, FFS. But why are you actively wanting then to spend time together? The other child's mother isn't your problem.

If friend is belittling your child and hitting her, I would be trying to teach your daughter about friendships/ relationships and what unacceptable.

Hopefully she will realise for herself that this behaviour is not on & find other friends.

I wouldn’t be encouraging this friendship & dont think Id want her hanging around my house.

Just tell her the truth. To be clear is to be kind. Otherwise she'll never know why and fret. It's also ok for her to tell her child why, and they may learn not to hit their friends.

My child is also hitting sometimes butnisnmuch younger, and if he's hitting other kids I'd rather know.

It’s pretty unusual for this to happen between year 6 friends, repeatedly, in the absence of developmental, family or SEND concerns.

but also, who do you feel you have to do what your DH says? You don’t. You know that, right?

is your DH a bit of a bully? If so, that makes your kid a likely target for bullying or being a bully.

In school the friend was belittling, name calling and putting down child in front of others resulting in child crying most days. Culminated in friend hitting child.

This is serious. You need to be there for your child. I agree with your husband.

This is a toxic friendship.

Also where is the kid learning about the hitting? She's 10-11yrs old.

Don't normalise abuse for your child by saying 'ahhh it's OK, she said sorry, and hasn't hit you for a few months, I really like this child's mother, so please continue this friendship'.

You understand the message this sends to your kid, right?

If they were ages 2-4yrs old - different story altogether but 10-11yrs old? Along with belittling.....sounds like the other child needs help but not at the expense of your daughter.

Teach her how to walk away and cut ties with violent abusive people.

Why do you say 'child' as if it's a random object or thing? Is this child your child? Because you sound so detached if so, like you're referencing an object or a child from another street. You don't even say my child, or DC.

Just.... 'child'.

Very strange and cold.

Is he also dictating that you aren't allowed to be friends with the Mum at all?

I am.witj your husband o thos, you need to have your child's back.

This.
Stand up for your child for goodness sake, no-one needs 'friends' like this.

I really like the friend’s mum. She’s so nice and keeps asking for the kids to spend time together

Surely at 10/11 it's not up to the mum? At that age children choose for themselves who they want to spend time with.