To never let child see friend again

[GentleWasp]

Child saw friend regularly for play dates and all seemed fine when 1 on 1. In school the friend was belittling, name calling and putting down child in front of others resulting in child crying most days. Culminated in friend hitting child. Called friends mother and she had a word with her child - told them that isn’t how you treat your friends etc and friend hasn’t been mean to child since then (2 months give or take). However it turned out this wasn’t the first time friend had hit child.

DH is furious and has banned friend from home forever and not allowing child to see friend. I disagree but there’s nothing I can do about it. Have tried to talk to DH to see if child and friend could perhaps see each other on a very limited basis and keep an eye on their interactions but he says no flat out and it’s not up for discussion. He wants to protect child, which I understand. But also maybe friend will behave now their mum has told them off. Both are final year of primary school.

I’m in a really awkward situation because I really like the friend’s mum. She’s so nice and keeps asking for the kids to spend time together and I just have to keep saying we are busy. What can I say to the mum without blaming it all on DH?

My DD was your DD at end of primary and like you I tried to smooth it over because the mum was nice. Years on, I regret it so much. I did my DD a massive disservice in not withdrawing her sooner from the friendship, which actually wasn’t a genuine friendship at all. Listen to your DH, he has the right approach.

It isn't up to DH solely, he doesn't get to lay down the law. You can have an input too.

I'm with your husband on this. What message is it giving your child to encourage a friendship where name calling and being physical is ever ok? Fuck that!

A good lesson for your child, and the perpetrator, that unkind and mean behaviour simply isn't accepted and won't be tolerated.

Why do you want to teach your 10/11 year old that they should shrug and accept a lame apology (if there was one?) from someone who belittled them, bullied them and has been physically violent to them? Is that really a lesson you want “child” to be taught?? Accept abusive toxic relationship because you don’t matter as much as my friendships with the bully’s mummy? Yeah I don’t want my preteen getting that message and thankfully your DH doesn’t want “child” to either.

If the mum is nice form your friendship with her outside of your children. Don’t make your “child” be friends with someone who picks on them and hits them just so you can have a mum friend - Christ does this stuff really need explaining to an adult 🙄

I'm quite a relaxed parent usually, and I agree with your DH on this.

In school the friend was belittling, name calling and putting down child in front of others resulting in child crying most days. Culminated in friend hitting child.

As an adult, would you want to spend any time with someone who was doing that to you? Why are you expecting your child to do the same? I would be advising my child to stay far far away. They're 10 or 11, not 5. I'm with your husband on this one.

I think it depends. Has the other child's behaviour genuinely changed and has she apologised to your daughter? I don't have children but I am a teacher and know that, even in Year 6, children can make pretty big mistakes and behave really badly. But they can be taught to reflect and change on their actions and grow into very nice young people who others want to be friends with. Definitely not always but sometimes. So, I wouldn't write the child off as a friend without talking to your daughter honestly about whether the relationship has changed and finding out if there is still unkind or bullying behaviour going on. If the child hasn't changed, then I am definitely with your husband. Your friendship with another adult can't be prioritised over your daughter's happiness and well being.

One of the nastiest girls I have ever met had a very nice mother. The child was very planned and wanted in an affluent familly. This child was awful from toddlerhood - she whacked my child in front of us both and then tried to say it was my child who had done the hitting. The mother told me once she tried to have a lot of outings so she didn't have to spend much time with her one to one. The play date was rounded out by the child knowing her mother had just had surgery trying to hit her on the surgery site to hurt her. It was totally deliberate.

My son refused to have anything more to do with this girl and he was right. I felt very sorry for her mother but my child wasn't going to be a punching bag for her daughter. I was just grateful my son didn't hit her back because although younger he was about twice her size.

I'm with your husband on this one. So what if she's reformed. Never too early to learn that actions have consequences.

Thank you all for your replies.

I’m asking here because I don’t have anyone else I can talk to about it in real life and collectively you all have a lot more experience of children and relationships than I do.

I had only seen DD or DS before so used child instead.

To clarify the context when I talked about not letting them see each other, I meant at each others houses out of school. DC and friend will be at the same secondary school and currently see each other at school every day as well as at paid for activities. It’s a small community where everyone knows each other.

I talked to school about the friendship as soon as I realised there were problems. Mistakenly thought that if they enjoyed each others company outside of school the behaviour in school would get better. Evidently it didn’t have an effect and things only seem to have changed since I directly approached the mum who was horrified by friend hitting.

I worry about DC and future relationships and that this could be a model to become the abused or an abuser as an adult. If this was an adult relationship it would be clear and I wouldn’t be asking on MN. On the other hand part of me things IABU because they are children and friend might have learned it was wrong?

Have talked to DC at length about how this isn’t how friends treat each other - compare to another friend ‘have they ever hit you, called you names or made you feel sad?’ ‘No’ ‘that’s a good friend’. Since then DC has been more open with telling us about bad things happening at school (other kids) and assertive in saying that they don’t want someone else they previously considered a friend to play with because of something they did, which is great.

I just want DC to be happy and confident. If DC never wanted to see friend again I wouldn’t be posting here, then I could just say to the mum that he doesn’t want to play anymore.

The thing is DC wants to invite friend to his birthday party and has been asking if they can play and has been very stressed about not being able to invite friend.

I’ve been checking in with DC every day to see if there’s been anything unpleasant going on with friend and there hasn’t. At the moment DC is accepting the line that friend isn’t a real friend and you can’t play with him but I worry as others have pointed out he will resent this later. Hoping to counterbalance this by promoting healthier friendships with other children.

I am a ‘wet blanket’ and I know I’m part of the problem. Consensus seems to be that I need to grow a pair and keep DC away from friend.