why is being a grandparent so hard?

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I've posted before about the issues seeing/having contact with my step grandchild. I want to get as much information in as i can, so as not to be accused of drip feeding anything.

Grandchild is my DH's son and his partners child, so technically my step grandchild (GC1) I also have a grandchild of a similar age from my DD and her DH (GC2). We try very hard to treat both GC equally. both are less than a year old and very close in ages. The main differences are that GC1 lives an hours drive away, whereas GC2 lives pretty much round the corner and mum of GC1 has gone back to work whereas GC2's mum is in a very fortunate position of not having to return to work at all if they do not chose to do so.

I posted recently that GC1's parents were expecting us to have an overnight once a week where we were responsible for pick up and drop off etc, and GC2's parents had never asked us outright to have the baby but it was something we wanted to do. I will not lie, we were exhausted, as both myself and DH are still working, and having GC1 on our days off, we had not time for us let alone anyone else.

I admit, i do see GC2 probably every other day, they live round the corner, they pop in for chats and catch ups and sometimes invite us for walks and a coffee etc. GC1 lives so much further away so contact is less.

Parents of GC1, now that we have knocked the sleep over every week on the head are demanding to know how much time we actually spend with GC2?

So the point of my post is AIBU in not actually telling them? or should i be honest?

Why is it such a juggling act? why do i always feel so guilty seeing one GC over the other? I can't seem to be allowed to spend time with my own DD and her child without making the (we shall call her DIL but they are not married) envious? I'm not allowed to comment on how much time she spends with her own mother, and i never would.. its her mum? why is it so complicated

It shouldn't be that hard at all. GC1s parents are acting like entitled brats.

Or perhaps the kinder explanation could be that they are really struggling with parenthood?

You’re grandparents, not parents of these DC..

Sleepovers should be for when it’s convenient and fun for everyone (you included) not expected and forced.

I think if you say you won't tell them how much time you spend with GC2 it will be seen as antagonistic. I'm not saying that they have a right to question you like this but I just think saying you won't discuss it will be interpreted as defensive. I'd just say something like 'We love spending time with both of our grandchildren but find having a baby overnight really difficult now that we're getting older but still working. We do see GC2 more often but he/she doesn't stay over and usually has a parent there to do the real child-care. You're welcome to pop over with GC1 whenever you like.'

However, if I've read this correctly GC1 is less than a year old and is not biologically your son's child. So either the relationship is still fairly new or there have been complications. All of which I'm sure makes parenting tougher and it sounds like they're deflecting some of the blame for that stress on to you. It sounds like the evening where you had GC1 was probably the only time they got together without a baby. If they just need a bit of time off, could you perhaps offer to have them all stay over so they do the driving and wake in the night/do the morning routine etc but could go out together for a few hours?

Tell DC1's parents that you'd be happy to have them over if they want to drop by to see you. This is the big difference between your DD and step DS. DD comes around often because she lives close and she wants to see you. StepDS only wants free babysitting. Huge difference. Being a grand-parent is not hard when you are retired AND not be obliged to babysit all the time. Since you are working you can propose to DGC 1's parents that they come to see you so they don't feel left out. But I'm pretty sure they are just inconvenienced because you're not doing the babysitting they want...

the 'son' is my step son.. and the child IS his, and him and his partner are not married.

It’s none of their business how much time you spend with your DD and GC2. They have no right to your time and just sound like they’re after free childcare.

I would expect you to want to spend more time with your grandchild, over the child of your son’s relatively new girlfriend. It would be batshit for you to continue humoring them.

Ah, misread it as well.

Either way, don’t allow yourself to be hectored by them. What time you spend with your grandchild isn’t anything to do with him.

i think i explained it wrong.. the child is my step son's and his partners!

I think the difference here is that you are spending time with GC2 as a family, joining in activities.

With GC1 it sounds like they actively want childcare, in which case the time spent is not comparable.

We provide 0 childcare for GC2, and we'd be happy to do that for you too! 😂

This. I have a 9 week old and am desperate for some help but even I can see how GC1's parents are totally unreasonable. Your stepson is totally out of line.

This exactly !

Were the parents brought up as step siblings or have you and DH got together later in life?

My son and DH's son (adults) have never even met and I certainly wouldn't let one of them compare notes about the other.

If they were effectively brought up as step siblings though i can understand them wanting equal treatment.

Answer honestly, but calmly and without drama or defensiveness.

GC2 pops in quite often for little visits as she lives two doors down. We don’t get so tired, as we aren’t actually looking after her.

The other difference is there’s no commitment- if we’re too tired for visitors we can just say so.

We’d love to see you and GC1 more often! You are always welcome to come and stay/have dinner/whatever welcome you are prepared to offer!

I'd just say "The time we spend with the grandchildren does not make them more or less special to us. Which you seem to be confusing. Dd lives round the corner and she pops in and invites us to things and this facilitates us seeing gc1 as Im sure you do with your mum. You are more than welcome to do the same, which we would love for you to do. Unfortunately, whilst we both work full time, it is just too tiring to have gc2 for a sleepover every weekend - which I hope you appreciate. We do however adore her and would love for you to come visit and to do things together."

There's a huge difference between popping in with the baby or all going out for a walk to caring for a baby overnight. Anyone (reasonable) can see that!

I think you should tell them how much unpaid childcare you do for GC2, and offer to do a comparable amount of unpaid childcare for GC1. It doesn't sound like you're doing much of this for either of them at the moment, and that's fine - you are not the parents, so you don't have to.

I would add that DSS and his wife are welcome to bring their dc to visit you at other times, like your dd does, but that they will need to be responsible for looking after the dc during those visits, as dd currently looks after gc2.

There is no way in which I would feel the same about my stepson's child as I would about a child who was my grandchild. My husband's step parents were warm and welcoming to my children but I think it's only natural they spent more time with their actual grandchildren.

I don't think grandparents should be pressganged into a regular once a week "sleepover" either. I wouldn't have asked that of my own mother let alone my husband's stepmother. I mean I'm sure they would have stepped up in an emergency but not as a regular thing. I wouldn't dream of asking my husband's stepmother how much time she spends with her own grandchildren.

Your stepson and his partner sound selfish and entitled. I wouldn't have countenanced a regular sleepover when you are both still working. Of course you were exhausted by it. Even if you were retired, I still wouldnt expect it. My mother used to stay with the children when they were little when we used to go away on holiday but there was a live-in nanny so my mother got to do the fun things with the children without the day to day slog of looking after them.

I think you need to be honest but also careful about how you word it.

‘DD popped in on Monday and then we met briefly on Thursday afternoon for coffee’

then follow that immediately with how delighted you’d be to see them: ‘we’d love to see you too. Are you around on Saturday to come for lunch?’

they would like to see you more - it’s nice that they do- hard work though!

I would answer them by telling them that your daughter popped over, your daughter invited you out to lunch, your daughter asked you to join her for a walk, therefore you have been lucky enough to see plenty of her and her child. Tell them you would love it if they wanted to go out for lunch etc too so that you could all see each other.

I understand that new mothers feelings over their babies aren’t always supposed to be rational so it’s not unreasonable that your dil feels jealous about grandparent time on behalf of her child. But it does sound like a big part of it is wanting childcare, not family time.

I think there is a huge difference here. Sounds like when you have DGC1 they are solely your responsibility. Where as when you see DGC2 their mother is there and therefore although you're seeing GC2 more your actually babysitting them less. Personally I think your DIL sounds bonkers and very entitled and it's more to do with the babysitting hours than the actual contact time.

I see my parents and MIL very regularly. They do babysit when we work weekly and for us to go out sometimes but we haven't asked them to do overnights and oldest DC is 4 x

I'm the parent of a GC1 in this situation. We live an hour away from grandparents. Our kids are very close in ages to GC2.
GC2 live in the same town.

We see in-laws once every few months. They will help with childcare if we are super desperate in the school holidays. There is no regular arrangement.

They seem GC2 probably 3-4 times a week.

It IS upsetting that our kids are often left out of stuff but that's on us. We moved away. We do back and visit but it's hard. In-laws work part time, we work full time and the kids have clubs. We go back when we can and try and facilitate a relationship.

What I will say IS avoidable is treating the kids the same just because they are the same age. My kids are SO different to their cousins and it really used to wind me up they used to get the same presents as GC2 rather than ask me what they were into etc.

Sounds like GC1 are entitled. But I'd not make this about step kids or not step kids. It's practically because one set of GC live round the corner.

I can’t believe they asked you to do the pick up and drop off, as well as do a regular overnight. And then they have the cheek to be confrontational to you afterwards? I would be tempted not to reply to such a ridiculous question. What is your husband saying?

You either reply and say that its not their business, or you say that you pip in briefly a couple of times a week, so no way near as much time you spend with their DC, so thanks for making you realise you ought perhaps to spend more time with DGC2 to balance things out.