Inlaws upset that I visited my family and not them

[Whatamess23]

I live overseas (less than 2 hr flight) with my DH and kids. DH recently had a work trip away for a week during school holidays so I came back to the UK with the kids to stay with my family.
This triggered a slew of passive aggressive comments from DH's family - "when are we seeing kids then? When are you coming up here?". It really wound me up because in the 7 years we've been overseas all of my family have made the effort to come and visit us multiple times, and only DH mum has come out (maybe 3 times totally). DH sibling did come out when there was a free holiday paid for by us on the table but won't visit if he has to pay out of his pocket.
So I responded to the comments with "when are you coming to see us" to which they said "never been invited". I made it clear everyone is welcome to come but I know they won't. They are a 6 hour train journey from my family in the UK which is too long with small kids. Am I being unreasonable to prioritise my family over DH's family? He is very welcome to take kids over to see them and facilitate them spending time together. He just doesn't do it because he doesn't want to.
I find the majority of his family really difficult to get along with and decided to take a step back a year ago after falling out with DH mum. She refused to apologise and I haven't visited since.

They are openly racist and filled with hatred for foreigners. I am a woman of colour so I find it really upsetting. I also think it's partly why they don't like me, as I'm different to them. When we have visited in the past they are negative, rude, unhelpful with the kids, treat DH like an ATM machine, criticise our life choices and I always feel a bit like we are attacked. It's draining. DH feels the same too but never says anything. They say they don't know the kids because we live overseas and defer blame to us but they don't make any effort - don't ring or video call, always forget kids birthdays (card always lost in post). My family feel like they do know the kids really well partly because they they see them more frequently but also because they make the effort and want to be a part of our lives.
Been with DH for 16 years and always felt his family were difficult. I just feel I've reached a stage in my life where I don't want half arsed people in it and I'm also not willing to take any shit. __

YANBU , as you said if your husband wanted to take the children to see them he could do so and it is not your problem . If the situation arises again just tell them that it’s up to their son to facilitate not you .

No way on earth would I have my children around racist arseholes.

I'd never let any of them past my front door.

Eh, they're racist arseholes, I wouldn't give them the steam off my piss.

They are openly racist and filled with hatred for foreigners. I am a woman of colour so I find it really upsetting.

You buried the lead there. No thanks, don't visit the racists with your beautiful children.

This.

How are these comments reaching you - WhatsApp family chat? Texts? Calls? Via dh?

I think deal with the supply issue - reduce the number of routes by which they can get into your head. Certainly leave any family chats that are upsetting you.

I'm just dwelling this morning on a nasty comment about my body someone made to me in 1997. I can't imagine how painful it would be to be dealing with actual racists in your family.

If you need to respond, refer them to your dh. I dont seek out family rows if they can be avoided but I suppose I'm low contact with large chunks of my own (enormous) family, never mind dh's. It is completely normal to visit your own family without flogging around to the inlaws every time anyway.

Yanbu but block them all from your phone and sm. Then they can't ask you any questions.

I think it's fine for them to be sad there are no plans for them to see the children while you are in the UK, it would be fine for them to offer to travel to see them. The rest of it is not ok and you don't need to have offensive and racist people around your children.

Leave the family WhatsApp group. Block individuals. Let your husband deal with his family in every respect. Just stop caring! You are achieving nothing but stress for yourself by keeping a relationship going with this bunch of racist losers.

These people are known shit-stirrers and critics, they're racist and therefore out to find fault deliberately. They probably don't even want you to visit, they are being arseholes simply because they can. That is all there is to it. If they wanted a relationship with the kids, they'd make an effort and they would have been making an effort all along. They aren't making an effort because they don't care. They only want to find fault at this point. There is nothing you can do except leave them to it.

Protect yourself by leaving the group chat. The likely situation is that you can't do anything right anyway. You are set up to fail here, you are not dealing with reasonable people. Leave them to it and don't feel guilty for one second for prioritising your own family on your trip back.Your DH is capable of taking the kids to visit his family if he chooses, they're capable of making an effort to visit you, this is not on you. As I said above, they are out to find fault. Don't play their stupid game.

I was going to say, you could have told them you were going to be at your parents’ and left it up to them to make the journey down to see you and the kids if they could be bothered. But then I read about the racism and yeah no, I can see why you don’t want to see them.

The only thing I'd do differently next time you come back is let them know you will be in "Manchester" on these dates, and if they want to come up for the day, that will be fine, but unfortunately you won't be able to travel to "Southampton".
You know they won't take you up on it, but you've offered.
This is what we did - although we did visit if all 4 of us came home, if it was just me and the kids, the inlaws were bypassed.

Also, just to affirm what you said at the end as well. My in laws live abroad in a completely different time zone and they make so much effort. Video call multiple times per week, send little cards etc. It is possible to cultivate a relationship with grandkids long distance if you are willing to put the effort in.

When are we seeing the kids?

Sorry this trip is my trip to see my family. I'm sure DH will be booking one soon.

I'm going to London (somewhere near you) for the day on Saturday if you want to meet us there then you can spend the day with the kids whilst I do some shopping. Pick them up at 10 and drop back at 4.

Ah my situation is a bit similar although I wouldn't necessarily say my in-laws are racist (not that I've encountered but it's never really come up) but we live abroad.

Since having children it did get more apparent that they were obsessed with what was fair and claiming time over the children when like you I went to visit my own family. Same as you my husband wouldn't dream of taking them back himself too much work.

I was able to make it clear quite early on that all organising of visits with them or to them had to be organised with my husband who of course has to check it all with me first. I did it for a while but it got too much and slowly my husband understood that it was down to him. It means that sadly they don't have as much contact as I think would be nice (in-laws don't bother with video calls much has to be arranged) but it could be worse.

I would just talk to your husband and make it clear that you aren't being horrible or childish but if they want a relationship with the kids it isn't up to you to facilitate it.

How did they find out you had visited? If it was Facebook or something then it sounds like it might be time to block them. Sounds harsh but it sounds like you did the right thing stepping back.

Good job your DH isn't bothered, means you can keep your DC away from toxic racists.

You are not responsible for facilitating contact with them, your DH is.

You invited them and how lovely it would have been to visit your family as well but they refused and are being nasty. There’s nothing more you can do apart from keep reminding that they were invited. Their racism is unacceptable and a reason in itself to not contact them. Let your dh deal with his parents etc

YANBU at all. It's up to your DH to facilitate a visit to his family if he so wishes. To be honest though, I can't see why he would want to when they are so offensive.

I agree with this.

I wouldn’t allow my children around racists. They are lucky you haven’t cut them off.

Just say you assumed with the dc being half yours thats why they don't visit.. And dh has put his dc first so doesn't take them. What utter cunts they sound op.

I thought “fuck that” as soon as you mentioned the 6 hour train journey.

i doubled down when you said they were racist.

I wouldn't acknowledge or respond.
These are your husbands family and 100% his responsibility.
In fact delete his familys phone number.
I wouldn't facilitate any contact with racists and I wouldn't entertain them in my home.
Be clear with your family on this.
Then forget about them completely.