Inlaws upset that I visited my family and not them

[Whatamess23]

I live overseas (less than 2 hr flight) with my DH and kids. DH recently had a work trip away for a week during school holidays so I came back to the UK with the kids to stay with my family.
This triggered a slew of passive aggressive comments from DH's family - "when are we seeing kids then? When are you coming up here?". It really wound me up because in the 7 years we've been overseas all of my family have made the effort to come and visit us multiple times, and only DH mum has come out (maybe 3 times totally). DH sibling did come out when there was a free holiday paid for by us on the table but won't visit if he has to pay out of his pocket.
So I responded to the comments with "when are you coming to see us" to which they said "never been invited". I made it clear everyone is welcome to come but I know they won't. They are a 6 hour train journey from my family in the UK which is too long with small kids. Am I being unreasonable to prioritise my family over DH's family? He is very welcome to take kids over to see them and facilitate them spending time together. He just doesn't do it because he doesn't want to.
I find the majority of his family really difficult to get along with and decided to take a step back a year ago after falling out with DH mum. She refused to apologise and I haven't visited since.

They are openly racist and filled with hatred for foreigners. I am a woman of colour so I find it really upsetting. I also think it's partly why they don't like me, as I'm different to them. When we have visited in the past they are negative, rude, unhelpful with the kids, treat DH like an ATM machine, criticise our life choices and I always feel a bit like we are attacked. It's draining. DH feels the same too but never says anything. They say they don't know the kids because we live overseas and defer blame to us but they don't make any effort - don't ring or video call, always forget kids birthdays (card always lost in post). My family feel like they do know the kids really well partly because they they see them more frequently but also because they make the effort and want to be a part of our lives.
Been with DH for 16 years and always felt his family were difficult. I just feel I've reached a stage in my life where I don't want half arsed people in it and I'm also not willing to take any shit. __

They sound awful. I would have dropped contact the second I realised they were racist. They don’t deserve you and your DC visiting them if they are that filled with hatred. I would ignore their messages and pretend you haven’t seen them because you were so busy. Maybe say ‘another time’ and just not mean it in reality if you don’t want to poke the bear.

Think it’s too early in the morning as this comment doesn’t make sense to me, what do you mean?

Fucking hell no wonder you're sick of their shit!

No, you do not have to put yourself not your children out to visit racist and rude family.

I don't think your H should take his mixed race children to see his openly racist family, (as some people are suggesting) either. That sort of toxicity oozes of of those people's pores, and I'd liken my children being around racists, even racists who are on their best behaviour, as akin to exposure to lead paint or aesbestos. Too obviously toxic with no real benefit, and easily avoided.

Absolutely delete and block their means of contacting you directly. How your H manages his relationship with them is up to him, but his solution cannot be to expose you or your children to them in any form, including by text messages or emails. Nope, not happening. BLOCK. No need to explain or justify yourself to them.

The ils are racist. Dc's are half op's... Op says she is a woman of colour....

"So I responded to the comments with "when are you coming to see us" to which they said "never been invited". I made it clear everyone is welcome to come"

I just wanted to respond to this bit. They are racist, hate foreigners, and are horrible to you (all of you) - you absolutely do not need to make them welcome to visit you in your home in a place where they will be surrounded by "foreign people" (for want of a better term that makes the problem obvious). You can (and IMO should) rescind this offer at any point, including silently and just decline them if they decide to take you up on it.

You do not need to pander to people who are openly hostile to you and would hate everybody they came across if they visited you in a foreign country.

*They are openly racist and filled with hatred for foreigners. I am a woman of colour so I find it really upsetting. *This is more than enough to not see them over.

Yanbu if you block them
All completely if they're racist. Just ignore any comments don't justify argue defend or explain (JADE) at all - let your DH deal with them.

Nb they also could have got the train down to see the kids. They didn't.

YANBU.
I would not reply to any passive aggressive comments.

Let your DH deal with them and you enjoy your time with your family!

Nope, it’s not your job to facilitate a relationship with his family, especially when they’re so hostile towards you. Direct them to their son.

Racists should not know your whereabouts or business. Block these people in every possible way.

I generally think if you move overseas or otherwise far away the onus is on you to lead the efforts with video calls and the like, and you can't expect people to travel to see you though it's nice if they do.

However, for their behaviour and attitude towards you when you do visit them I really wouldn't bother. I wouldn't want to have children around openly racist people and presumably if you're a woman of colour your children are also mixed race?

I wouldn’t even invite them or ever want to see them again. If they are racists, that would mean they do not respect me and my mixed race kids. No way.

He is very welcome to take kids over to see them and facilitate them spending time together. He just doesn't do it because he doesn't want to.
There we have it. Let them talk to their son if they want to whinge about visits. I wouldn't be answering calls from them if I were you.

They sounded like twats before I even got to the part where you're a woman of colour and they are racists.

I would cut off contact with them completely and let your DH facilitate any contact. If DH does do this, he should be vigilant that your kids aren't present when they go off on one of their racist rants. If that happens, I would also stop the kids from seeing them.

Fuck that. Block them all. Block every single point of contact that they might have with you. Phone, social media, email, everything.

Let your DH handle his racist bigot family members (or not).

Treat them as you would if scraping dog shit off your shoe.

@PermanentTemporary it's a family WhatsApp group. It's existed for years and was primarily set up to share pictures of all the kids, keep in touch. Today they are back on the anti Muslim agenda. I've muted the group, not posting, reading or commenting anymore.

You probably should have started with the reasons why you don't like them tbh.

It's not really your responsibility to facilitate a relationship between your children and your in laws. That's your husband's job. I would do it anyway if it were my in laws because I love them (but I can't imagine a scenario where my husband wouldn't be organising it himself).

Hopefully the reason your husband doesn't want to go is because he agrees that they are racist bigots, and not just because he can't be bothered.

@Lemonadeand I had actually told them a few weeks ago that I would be staying with my family. Mainly because I wanted to organise sending their kids Christmas presents and wanted to do that whilst I was in the UK. So it was not a surprise to them.

@Whyherewego I should have said that! Saving it for next time. I know they won't make the effort but at least they can't say I'm not trying.

I would have cut the rope when I found out they were racists OP. Your children deserve to be protected from that, and so do you. I think you should ignore their messages (block them, even) and if there's fallout, that's for your DH to deal with.

Great line.
I may steal it in the future (I won't pretend it's mine)

I agree!

Also, 100% not saying this to be a grammar dick (I promise) but I found out recently that it’s bury the ‘lede’ vs lead - as a lede is the beginning paragraph of an article that summarises what’s to come. I thought it was kind of interesting!

You're not obliged to put yourself and your children in the same space as people with openly malicious opinions. Not ever and not in the name of anything, including family. It's good that you've dropped the rope ie, muted the family chat. It's for your DH to deal with any repercussions, all you have to do is step back and let the chips fall as they may. Actions and behaviour have consequences and it sounds as if it's well past time this charmless bunch realised it.