To feel disappointed/ deflated that in-laws showed themselves to be such horrid people

[Pixiedust22]

I am past the stage of anger towards my in-laws atm, I'm just so so disappointed that they have turned out to be such horrible people. Long story short, my DH and his sister (my SIL) had a massive argument back in the summer. SIL has always been a horrid person, rude, passive aggressive comments and controlling. During this argument she physically assaulted my DH. He was understandably upset for days, so I stupidly took it upon myself to visit my SIL and MIL to try to see what happened and make things right. Oh the regret! I was met with a verbal attack of abuse from the both of them? I politlry asked them to calm down otherwise I would walk away and nothing would be resolved. They did calm down, but the things my SIL told me I can not get over, that I am basically nothing to them, who the hell did I think I was to inform them of my DH’s feelings?, amongst a host of other cruel things that have come from nowhere. (I say from nowhere, but i have sensed that SIL has not liked me for years). Anyway, as a result of this I have been keeping well enough away, myself and my DC because i dont want such disrespectful people near to them and my instinct to protect them has gone crazy! Of course I am now judged as “spiteful” and “keeping the children away out of spite!” I have tried to explain that their actions have frightened us and we dont want our children to feel such bad and negative energy. But no, it is of course all my fault and im an extremely bad person and they have blocked me on Social media ( no biggie but they are missing out on seeing pictures of my children and catching up on things) im just so disappointed that things have gone this way.

To add DH is very supportive as I am of him, some of the messages of abuse he received from his own mother after this fall out from his sister were awful. I could never imagine speaking to one of my children like that. She has very much taken sides with DH sister.

I wouldn’t want people like that around my kids either so it seems like no loss. At least you and your DH are on the same page about it. Enjoy your family without these toxic people and don’t imagine any of you are missing out.

Are you the lady whose mother in law came and booted her door one night when her husband was on a night shift?

I’d honestly enjoy the peace and no I wouldn’t want my children around them either

No thankfully 😳😳

It sounds like they are toxic & DH is better off focusing on his own family unit. Just support him & if you have to avoid them then it's their loss.

They do sound awful. What was the initial argument between your husband and his sister over?

It was something about that DH had not “informed” her of something that was well and truly our business and that this had “upset them”. Rather than calmly addressing this she attacked him.

Why do in laws have to be like this though? 🤯🤯

I think the general sensible consensus is that if the relatives are too toxic for the adults to deal with, they are too toxic for their children as well.

My mother was forever bad mouthing her family in front of myself and my two brothers, but then expecting us to spend time with them...basically she was trying to have the best of both worlds (she comes from a very wealthy family). Ultimately all it meant was that as soon as we were old enough to have a say, we wanted nothing to do with them.

Your MIL and SIL have only their own behaviour to blame for losing access to your children.

Let them think what they like. Keep them cut off, you and your DH know the truth. They will miss out in the long run. I have similar in-laws, they are horrible to be around, we cut them off a few years ago. We don’t regret it one bit, but I’m also blamed just like you, even though it’s their fault. I don’t want them influencing my DC with their nastiness. My worst nightmare would be my child turning into a mini-me of some of DHs family. That can’t happen if they aren’t around them to influence them. Protect your DC.

There's definitely more to this than is being shared here. 100%.

Why would you visit people that are so vicious and assault your husband?
Why would you have anything further to do with them.
Why would you want them seeing your childrens photos at all?
There is nothing healthy or normal in any of this behaviour including you seeking them out after your husband was assaulted.

They sound like utter scum.

Step away.

I do think it’s weird that you got involved. I wouldn’t appreciate my DH inserting himself into an issue with my family. (And there has been ample opportunity over the years).

Bluntly, that’s not your place.

That being said fuck them… live your life and don’t give a thought to what they think about you.

Stop trying to explain things to these people and hoping to persuade them to be reasonable.

They're nasty, and now that you know who they are and what they think of you, you should keep well away from them for your own protection. If they've blocked you, block them too. Enjoy the peace.

I see that now, Bauat i just could not stand to see him so so uoaet. He wasnt prepared to speak to any of them, my DC were asking why their DF was so upset and not seeing his DM, so I tried. I am usually the peace keeper and the main point of contact.

I disagree with the previous poster. You were trying to mediate to get to a place where the family could come together. Unfortunately it is on them that they turned on you too. I would simply go no contact with them and put them out of your mind. Concentrate on DH and your own family and leave them to get on with being bitter and miserable .

Thank you, sorry about all the typos, sausage fingers first thing in the morning! 😅

Actually I would take the 'blame'.. Tell them obviously you are keeping your dc away deliberately due to their abusive actions. And block the lot of them.

It was not your place to interfere

But I would like to hear their version of this and your husbands

This isn't about in laws it sounds like your husbands family are completely unhinged and toxic. I would be focusing on him because he has grown up in this household which must have been very traumatic. I would be no contact they are bullies and abusers. They lost their right to be in touch with their grandchildren, nieces/ nephews when they assaulted your dh and verbally abused you

It was not so much interfering more so trying to not let it simmer and stew and to see both sides of the story to be able to move forward.

I am 100% focusing on him atm, the things his mother has said to him have blown my mind. And he is still so upset about everything.

From what you've said keeping away from them is all you can do. What would their perspective be?

@Pixiedust22 the best thing for your partners mental health is to go no contact at all. any contact that you are attempting is being disloyal to your partner. please think of this. your family are a complete unit without their interference.