To feel disappointed/ deflated that in-laws showed themselves to be such horrid people

[Pixiedust22]

I am past the stage of anger towards my in-laws atm, I'm just so so disappointed that they have turned out to be such horrible people. Long story short, my DH and his sister (my SIL) had a massive argument back in the summer. SIL has always been a horrid person, rude, passive aggressive comments and controlling. During this argument she physically assaulted my DH. He was understandably upset for days, so I stupidly took it upon myself to visit my SIL and MIL to try to see what happened and make things right. Oh the regret! I was met with a verbal attack of abuse from the both of them? I politlry asked them to calm down otherwise I would walk away and nothing would be resolved. They did calm down, but the things my SIL told me I can not get over, that I am basically nothing to them, who the hell did I think I was to inform them of my DH’s feelings?, amongst a host of other cruel things that have come from nowhere. (I say from nowhere, but i have sensed that SIL has not liked me for years). Anyway, as a result of this I have been keeping well enough away, myself and my DC because i dont want such disrespectful people near to them and my instinct to protect them has gone crazy! Of course I am now judged as “spiteful” and “keeping the children away out of spite!” I have tried to explain that their actions have frightened us and we dont want our children to feel such bad and negative energy. But no, it is of course all my fault and im an extremely bad person and they have blocked me on Social media ( no biggie but they are missing out on seeing pictures of my children and catching up on things) im just so disappointed that things have gone this way.

I think so, which is a shame but I just cant. The argument was that husband had not informed them of something which was very much mine and my husbands buisness. Husband said fine fair enough and apologized if they felt left out in anyway but he really did not feel the need to inform them. But their reaction to this has been completely blow out of proportion, the way SIL ‘attacked’ husband and the way they verbally ‘attacked me’ just was not necessary. Back story MIL is very reactive, she has fallen out with mist of her own family members and her own SIL’s, she has 7 in total and is very reactive.

It's well and truly time to stop being the peacekeeper and main point of contact. Block em all without a seconds hesitation.

An argument with things said in the heat of the moment is one thing that can usually be recovered from if the relationship is otherwise healthy, but when you tried to resolve the conflict they doubled down and extended it - that's them proving beyond doubt that they aren't interested in resolving conflict, only in coming out on top, at whatever cost.

Remove yourself from the drama.

Well, they're finding out the hard way that the wife/mother is very often the gate-keeper to the grandchildren, aren't they? You're fortunate in that at least your DH agrees with you.

What do you mean you “just can’t” stay away from them? You can move forward by blocking them, not because they blocked you (who cares?) but so they can’t drag you back in again. Anything else is unfair to your DC and DH and smacks of seeking out drama, or at least having piss-poor boundaries.

I mean “I just cant with them anymore” is what I mean. I can stay away, i feel much healthier mentally and had not realized how much they were pulling us all down!

You're wasting your time trying to keep the peace with people that thrive on drama, just stop feeding them they've clearly not got anything to offer but nastiness.

Keep the text messages in your phone and if you're that concerned about what other people have to say just show them what's been written, explain to your DC that not everyone in life gets on, including family and go no contact with your DH family.

You can't be peace maker when the other side don't want peace all you're doing is winding yourself up, concentrate on your own little family unit, show them you're not going to let them get to you I'm sure that'll piss them off more but that's for them to deal with.

From now on keep your distance and allow your DH to choose whether he wants to contact them or not

Oh Pixiedust, I really feel for you.
It's quite shocking what they have done and continue to do.
What stood out to me in your message was that your MIL had fallen out with most of her own family and SIL's.
That says it all to me, she enjoys it by the sound of it.
Let her be, things can't always be sorted.
Look after your little family.Try to be happy.
Block them all.
I know it's easier said than done though.
Good luck.

Why bother trying to move forward? Just cut them off. Block them all. You'll all end up happier and more relaxed in the end.

I just wouldn't bother with them and think you are wasting your time trying to understand both sides and mediate.

Thank you, its the shock of it and i just cant help think theres no need for them to be like this. I lost my own mother years ago and feel really sad that they have one grandmother who has passed and one horrid grandmother 🙈

Well i would have liked to of heard their version as well, but got alot of abuse instead.

There's no point trying to get their side. You know your husband. They sound unhinged . You can't have mediation with people who are unhinged.

Me and my DH have been told to get others involved to try and mediate between in-laws and us. Nope. No mediation is possible with people who are unhinged/ lie and make false accusations/ threaten violence. They won't ever change. They are out of our lives and will remain that way. Dipping in and out of an abusive relationship will confuse and upset the DC and cause everyone unnecessary pain.

It may be hard for a while but fill your families time up with whatever you can and you will start to realise how much better off you are.

When someone hits someone in anything other than self-defence there’s nothing to ‘see both sides of’. If one of his sisters hit DH for some reason, the last thing I’d be considering is rocking up at her place to ‘not let it simmer’.

It's not compulsory to be in touch with family members when you don't get on and there's so many problems.
You aren't the first or last to experience this.

Move on and be around people who bring joy into your life.
Life's too short to put up with crap.

I have inserted myself into an issue with DH's family before and helped resolve it before it turned into something that could have just got worse and worse over time. It was a horrible time, but I'm glad I did get involved as, in all likelihood, we'd have lost contact with them and there are children involved that are loved all round. THAT wouldn't have been fair on me, as I wasn't involved in the original argument in the first place.

Everyone is right though - it sounds like you're well rid of them. Let them say what they want behind your back - everyone around them will realise who's really being unreasonable!

Focus on your DH and your family. He must be so upset being both verbally and physically attacked himself by his own family, then seeing what they're doing to his closest (new?) family.

I suspect you'll find life a lot happier and calmer without them having around the fringes.

Exactly this! My DH is not the best communicator by far and would happily have let the situation get worse and worse which would have not been good for anyone, especially not my DC at the beginning of their school holidays. However they showed that resolving the conflict was not on their agenda, sadly. Im kind of glad that I’ve seen their true colours but also sad that things have to be this way. It is a shame

How strange that they think they have any right or say over your children. The fantastic news is, they’ve blocked you 😁 I would literally go about your life as if they aren’t there. They sound abusive, malicious and as you said bloody horrid. Don’t give it another thought, you will be much happier with nothing to do with them, and your husband won’t have to be attacked.

I say leave them to it and leave them blocked on SM. Support DH in any action he wants to take but otherwise ignore them, their loss!