DH being selfish or am I?

[strugglingalong1]

I'm currently at home and Mum to a 1 year old, DH has his own business.

He leaves the house by 6am and is home around 6pm Mon-Fri and probably works 1 Saturday a month. By the time he gets home, 1 year old is ready for bath time and bed.

I do every meal time, every bath time, every bed time.

DH has a hobby that he goes to 2 nights a week, he then does this hobby every other weekend too, writing a Sunday off completely.

I'm solely in charge or all house work, laundry, grocery shopping, life admin, keeping a 1 year old happy/healthy/safe and I feel like I'm going to explode.

I feel so down tonight, I told him I feel this way and asked if he can skip his hobby tonight to spend time together, he said it's his way to "de stress". I said that he puts it before me, before us. So now he hasn't gone, but he's just sat on the sofa on his phone so I feel like what's the point? He might as well have gone.

I've tried to explain that when I'm struggling with tiredness/feeling down (I do have depression) I want him to WANT to be with me, to give me a cuddle and take it upon himself to say "I'm not going, I know you need me right now".

I'm seriously beginning to think what is the point?! It's even crossed my mind that if I left him, at least I'd get every other weekend to myself (he is a great Dad).

I don't even know why I'm writing this I'm just so fed up and feel so alone.

You both must be knackered, is he working 12 hr days 6 days a week?

If he's a great dad then say "right, two of the weeks you aren't at work on a Saturday then you're in charge, I'll take myself away for my destress time. The other Saturday we can spend as a family"

Presumably you wouldn't be able to afford living if he didn't work 12 hour days, which is a long time. He deserves time to destress but so do you. So make time for it.

This is an unsustainable situation. I would suggest a serious chat about how you arrange your lives. Can he take on more help in his business? Can your DC do a couple of shifts in nursery?

This. You need some time to yourself on a Saturday, otherwise when is your ‘de-stress’ time? He should also be doing bath and bed a couple of times a week when he gets home from work.

OK, to start with, if he's out at a hobby two Sundays in every four, then you get the other two Sundays to yourself in return. Even if it's booking a Travelodge and just peacefully watching tv by yourself.

I dint think either of you are being selfish.
You are both working very hard and both deserve some down time.
Do you get time to yourself the same as him?

This! When is your de-stress time for yourself OP? He’s getting more than his fair share.

He gets 2 evenings a week and every other Sunday to do whatever he likes with his hobby.

OP doesn't seem to get any time off to herself at all.

Ask him how he sees life in 5 /10 years down the line. He might possibly if he is lucky be still married.. He will most certainly have a dc he barely knows....
Put it to h of you end up divorced at least you will get chance to catch your breath and get a hobby of your own when he has dc 50 /50

I work for myself op, what does your DH do? Because I bet it's not as hard work as looking after your DC. If he needs to work 12 hour days then something needs to be fixed in his business. Sure there are periods in growing any business where you do need to put these hours in but that should not be the norm!

When's your down time OP?

DH has his own business.

Hmm. Does he NEED to be working all these hours? Or like many men posted about on here, is he using his business as an excuse to check out of home/family life? There have been a couple of threads about men like this lately.

If he does, then he needs to look at how he can reduce that and have a better work/home balance (such as hiring more help). Or the hobby needs to go for now. But yes, it’s selfish of him to arrange both of your lives exactly how he likes and not give you any say in it.

I don’t think it’s particularly reasonable for him to skip his hobby because as you say you’re tired and a bit down. He’s in 5 evenings, you can surely just spend time with him the next night?

Why are you doing every bathtime and bedtime? Why are solely responsible for absolutely everything in the house? You need to sit down with DH and have a grown up conversation about him stepping up and doing his fair share of childcare. You are both tired in the evenings but if he's got enough energy to do his hobbies, he's got enough energy to bath the baby and put them to bed, stick some laundry on and do the washing up! You need to be more assertive about what you want him to do. Don't hint, don't be a martyr, just tell him - you're on baby duty tonight, I'm going for a lie down/walk/glass of wine in the garden!

@WhichEllie If he does, then he needs to look at how he can reduce that and have a better work/home balance (such as hiring more help). Or the hobby needs to go for now.

Presumably the biggest thing contributing to his working hours is being a single income household. Generally when there is only one earner it’s not going to be a cushty 9-5 that pays enough finically.

When is your time for your hobby (even if that hobby is having a cuppa and scrolling mumsnet)

Surely he works 6-6 at work and you do the same at home and then when baby is in bed you both have the same down time. So the time he has for himself is 2 days a month. So you should get the equivalent.

I don't think he needs to sacrifice his hobby, 2 eveinging and every other weekend isnt that much, but he needs to do bed and bathtime when he's home. Dh used to.enjoynthisnas the only time during the week he saw DC.

This gives you a chance to clear up so you're both ready to have an evening when DC isn't bed.

Then you need to find a hobby or an escape 1-2 evenings and occasional weekends too.

Your DH is being selfish.
2 nights a week? Plus Sundays to himself?

When do you get time to yourself?

he is a great Dad He is a role model for your children, and what he is modelling for your children is that the woman works all the time looking after the house and family, whereas the man's top priority is his leisure time. Is this the model you wish your children to see? And is a man modelling this a great Dad?

He might be a great dad (though I'm struggling to see when...) but he's not being a great partner.

Yes, you both deserve time to destress but he's getting 3 times a week while you're seemingly getting none!

Does he encourage you to go out too or is the expectation that he's working so needs free time while you're "just" at home??

You need some adult conversations to iron this out to something you both agree with.

This is a good plan.
Plus, as soon as he comes home in the evenings he can sort your DC's bath and bedtime. He then has the rest of the evening to relax and/or do any other stuff that needs doing.
Discuss all this with DH and carve some time out for you.

I think working people (men) genuinely think that them going to work is enough contribution to home life. Of course its tiring but when i had a 1yr old I worked full time and did 90% of the childcare / house work. So the fact he goes out to work doesn’t mean he’s off the hook for helping out. Hobbies are great, but his seems excessive when you’ve got a young child. Unfortunately most men would never see that they are needed at home so not go to hobbies. I think your own option is for you to get a hobby or book plenty of days in with your friends so you can get some downtime away from family life. Do you have family who can babysit and help out? So you can go on some date nights etc? Life is tough when you’re in the trenches with young kids. Mine have grown up now, youngest 16 and it for once in my adult life (had eldest when I was 16) I can go on night outs and get a hobby without having to think about baby sitter.

I don't think he is selfish for having a hobby, if he works 12 hours a day that's a whole lot and he deserves his own time, but you deserve a break as well! I know some Mums find it easier to find a weekly class or something that's scheduled in so that its booked in. If he's a great Dad like you've said, I'm sure he can manage bedtime while you get a break.

Thanks everyone for all of your advice.

He is a great dad in the sense that when he is here, he is hands on, loving, engaged etc. I really don't wish to paint him as a bad dad or even a bad husband.

I just don't know how to sort this out and feel stuck. He works in a trade and has recently hired somebody to work with him as business is coming in thick and fast which we are grateful for, obviously in this cost of living crisis I realise how lucky we are to be in this position but I'm human and can only do so much too.

He's currently working in the city which is an hour drive so that's why he's leaving at 6 and getting home at 6 and it'll be like this for at least the next 3 months as the big job he's currently on has offered him more work.

I used to go to a fitness class 2 nights a week but in all honesty I quit because I'm on the floor exhausted. My mental health is suffering massively, I don't eat meals anymore, I binge/comfort eat in the evening and have gained a stone.

Also if I go to those fitness classes, that's another 2 nights that we don't see each other. I'm desperate to feel like I have a marriage, I miss him. I feel constantly lonely.

Yesterday I felt at breaking point, I honestly thought if I had to stand by the sink and wash up again I'd scream out loud.

I love being a Mum, I absolutely adore our LO but I never imagined I'd be doing so much of it alone.

@strugglingalong1 no advice but wanted to send massive massive squishes. x