DH being selfish or am I?

[strugglingalong1]

I'm currently at home and Mum to a 1 year old, DH has his own business.

He leaves the house by 6am and is home around 6pm Mon-Fri and probably works 1 Saturday a month. By the time he gets home, 1 year old is ready for bath time and bed.

I do every meal time, every bath time, every bed time.

DH has a hobby that he goes to 2 nights a week, he then does this hobby every other weekend too, writing a Sunday off completely.

I'm solely in charge or all house work, laundry, grocery shopping, life admin, keeping a 1 year old happy/healthy/safe and I feel like I'm going to explode.

I feel so down tonight, I told him I feel this way and asked if he can skip his hobby tonight to spend time together, he said it's his way to "de stress". I said that he puts it before me, before us. So now he hasn't gone, but he's just sat on the sofa on his phone so I feel like what's the point? He might as well have gone.

I've tried to explain that when I'm struggling with tiredness/feeling down (I do have depression) I want him to WANT to be with me, to give me a cuddle and take it upon himself to say "I'm not going, I know you need me right now".

I'm seriously beginning to think what is the point?! It's even crossed my mind that if I left him, at least I'd get every other weekend to myself (he is a great Dad).

I don't even know why I'm writing this I'm just so fed up and feel so alone.

No, he ISN’T a great dad. Or husband.

It’s EASY to be ‘hands on, loving and engaged’ when you just play at it. When you only do it for a couple of hours here and there and when you actively want to, after you’ve done your hobbies and your ‘de-stressing’ of course! - oooh it would be horrible to have to do that, to have to play and focus and be ok and there for them again and again and again when you’re desperate for time out but you know they need xyz… oh hang on you mean parenting, not playing Fun Uncle… ooh hang on…

If he were a good husband you wouldn’t be posting this, if he were a good partner he would also be being a better, ie a real dad, not a part time Jolly Playing Uncle

I can't believe people are saying two evenings a week and every other Sunday is ok.

All I know is that I'm scared I'm heading for a breakdown.

I spent 2 months in a psychiatric hospital because my depression got so bad (6 years ago) and had intense therapy (childhood trauma, SA, drug addict parents) and I've worked so so hard from when I admitted myself into that hospital to never go back to that place. I promised myself I would get a hold of my depression and heal and I have.

It scares me that I feel like I'm slipping again, I get up and carry on because I have to, for my child, they deserve the best childhood and I am determined to give them that but I'd be lying if I said I'm not scared that I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water right now. I'm very good at masking, I have endless amounts of cuddles, playing and trips out to the park, soft play, reading books, making sure that my child is happy and healthy and feels secure as I never ever want them to worry about me like I did my parents but when they go to bed, I cry, a lot through sheer exhaustion. Dr has put my anti depressants up.

We were in such a good place when trying for our much wanted child, my pregnancy and our life felt like a dream. We were so in love and excited and suddenly the bubble has burst and I feel like a single parent. Hats off to all of you that do this alone 24/7.

OP you need to tell him all of what you have written here.

I think you need to tell him what you’ve written here. Because if you stop coping he’s going to have an awful lot more stress on his plate than missing some hobbies now. He needs to be doing more to support you.

At the same time, do you have other friends? Your comment about being lonely hit me - being a SAHM to a toddler is really lonely and the only way I stayed sane was my friends- my SAHM “colleagues” if you like. My DH was working 11 hours a day and he did his best, but he couldn’t be my sole adult support and company. I needed people to meet up with at the park, chat with at toddler group, commiserate with about how quite honestly life with a toddler can be a pretty thankless and tedious thing…

Maybe that’s not your issue, or maybe it feels too hard to address right now, but it felt worth suggesting.

Definitely sounds like you need to have a good conversation with him so he can understand how you are feeling. I think the hard part of being a SAHM is that it's literally neverending, and that can feel so hard. I understand about the exhaustion- maybe an exercise class isn't what you need at the moment but more relaxing? For me, if I'm feeling exhausted,.when my husband comes home and all of the children are so happy to see Daddy and they all want to play with him, I can go and have some peace and quiet and take a bath or read a book (getting a bit of a break before I need to get the youngest 2 into bed) Also I saw that you said you don't eat proper meals and I know it feels hard to prepare them when you feel exhausted but it definitely helps when you try and prioritize taking care of yourself as well, making sure that you eat good food and get some fresh air as well can really help. Both you and your husband must be tired and both deserve a bit of your own time, as well as time as a couple (there really doesn't seem to be enough time in the day sometimes!)

Why would it not be? The child is young and will be in bed most of his he evening anyway!
Mothers are allowed to have friends and hobbies too. Two evenings and two one activity at the weekend every other weekend sounds like a totally normal balance!

It honestly sounds like having a life outside of your child would be incredibly beneficial. It’s good you’ve started on the anti depressants but you also need to make some lifestyle changes.
Do you have friends locally?
Start with one evening a week and one afternoon every other weekend. If a club or the gym feels too overwhelming to begin with then go to the pub for a glass of wine and sit with a book! Go for a mooch about the shops on a Saturday afternoon leaving DC with dad.
Raising children can be wonderful but it’s also relentless and exhausting, you need other downtime.
Plan one evening a week for yourself and one evening in with DH doing something a bit more special than sitting watching tv while scrolling. This is also down to personality and communication, you might think it’s giving you more quality time if your DH skips his hobby but he might be thinking why would I need to cancel when we’re just watching tv.

I was referring to people saying OP's husband shouldn't have to give up his hobbies.