Feeling left out of family get togethers

[Namechangeddddd14393039576998689]

Hi, will be short and sweet about this, but in a nutshell, my half-sister lives abroad in Ireland. Before Covid, we - me, mum, step dad and cousins- were all supposed to go over as a family to visit her. Since that plan, I had my DS, who is now 19 months.

A few months after having DS, I was told by cousin that my mum/step-dad had arranged to go and see my sister, but they hadn't told me about it and I hadn't been invited. I was a bit gutted about this, got upset and told my mum so. To which I was met with a lot of defensiveness about why she hadn't told me. Next thing they had booked and went off on the holiday without speaking about it again. If my mum had just come and said look we'd like you to come but logistically with DS it won't work this time, I'd have been ok about it, but it was just silence.

A few weeks ago, my mum sat down and said I'm just telling you this now before you get upset, we are going away on a Xmas city break with your sister when she is over here. You'll have DS, so you won't really want to/be able to come.

It would have been nice to have been invited so I could make that decision, or for them to have tweaked the city break to make it something I could come to with DS. Or my DP could have had DS while I went. Again, I just felt as though things were arranged without me and also without considering me. When I got upset, my mum just became quickly defensive and sarcastic saying well I'll never go anywhere again with you etc.

I can't vote without more info

If this is part of an ongoing trend of your DM choosing to spend more time with your DSis than you then I can understand why you are upset

I don't think that on its own it is unreasonable for them to plan a city break which is not toddler friendly and not invite you

Do you otherwise have a good relationship with them all?
Do you often make your own plans and instigate meet ups with your family or do you always expect others to make plans but expect to be invited?

When she said 'I'll never go anywhere with you again' I hope you said 'fine, I doubt I'll notice'.

You told your mum you'd be fine with it if you were told, but then she told you and you weren't fine, your family are trying their best, but the dynamic of your relationship with your parents is now different than your sisters. Not better or worse, just child centred and different.

If your DSis doesn't have DCs yet, and lives further from your parents, you can't really expect their relationship to be on your terms or always revolving around being child friendly.

It sounds like your DMum sees you without your sister there, so I can't see why she can't see your DSis without you.

What indicates that they’re trying their best?

When I got upset, my mum just became quickly defensive and sarcastic saying well I'll never go anywhere again with you etc.

Well, doesn’t she sound lovely

I wouldn't be wasting money on Christmas presents then

I wouldn't buy even bother sending them a Christmas card this year let alone a present.

They sound horrible, go low contact. Thats their grand child they are excluding.

If you're honest, is this a regular pattern of behaviour.

This all sounds unpleasantly familiar to me. I won't band around my favourite descriptive word of certain personality types just yet.....😬 So far, this doesn't feel pleasant.

Do you see your mum much normally?

Agree with this, maybe if she doesn't see them a lot, she wants some time with them?

My mother & younger sister were always closer to each other than me. When I moved out they frequently had days or evenings out, and I only found out when it slipped out in conversation later. I'd get "oh you wouldn't have wanted to come". I said more than once that the invite would have been nice so I could decide. They continued excluding me. No kids at that point. No real excuse. They just didn't want my company.

@Namechangeddddd14393039576998689 I'm sorry, it hurts. It probably won't change.

Is the Christmas city break over Christmas? If it is, that's really mean and I'd be upset too. If it isn't, then that's fine, your mum is allowed to do things with your sister that don't involve you.

Do they do anything with you? You are able to see them way more so it’s not unfair that they want to put some time into seeing her too. You don’t have to be there for everything.

Presumably you live close to your mum and see her a lot.
Your half sister doesn't.

Your mum may want to see your half sister without you and especially without a toddler who naturally will have to have a lot of revolving round because of his age. That's not being unfair.

I'm in the opposite position. We moved away from my family. My siblings and parents live close and do things together that I wouldn't expect them to invite me to because it wouldn't be practical. I'd never begrudge them that.

But I do find it irritating on a few occasions when I have arranged to meet one of my family and one of my siblings has been very vocal about feeling they're being left out because actually it's me who is the one left out most of the time, and meeting up with one is much easier and much better for catching up. If I meet up with them all, they'll start talking about the next time they're meeting up (without me) or something they've got a common ground on, so I don't feel I've spent good time with them.

Did you want their company?

@MintCrab At first yes. I left home at 18 and (rightly or wrongly) thought I was still part of the family. But the theme unfortunately continued over the years and I am now very low contact with mother and no contact with sister.

Do you see your mother without your sister at all?

well do they live near you ? Maybe your half sister wants to spend time with her parents without it necessarily being catered to toddler friendly activities. I don't think it's a slight against you, they just want to do more adult things.

Clearly there is an issue. Let's not pretend there isn't. It could be they don't want to do child friendly things, it could be they want to spend time together alone... but they definitely don't want you there as if they would they would say "let's meet up, I'll just give x a call and see if she can get a sitter and come along too. Be lovely to see Dsis after a long while"

Iv been on both sides of this - being excluded by certain family members and actually vocalising I didn't want x to come along as it changed the vibe and dynamic. I'm upfront "I'm seeing x for a spa day on weds, are you available on Thurs? We could do soft play or glass of vino if you have a sitter?"

That way I'm not excluding just setting out my stall so to speak.

@Namechangeddddd14393039576998689 Why don’t you invite your half sister to stay with you or go for a holiday in Ireland and drop in to see her? Why don’t you take any initiate? You cannot wait around for your mum all the time. I’m also wondering why Dsis doesn’t want to meet your baby? It’s not like she lives in Australia! I’m not sure how close you are. Do you phone, text etc? Or do you just wait to be invited along? I’d get a bit more proactive. Organise a second birthday party for DC and invite everyone!

Honestly you sound like a spoilt brat! And your mum's response was correct. If she's not allowed to spend time with your sister without you being involved then she isn't allowed to spend time with you without your sister being involved!

Do you like coming on here to be mean to people?

But you have your own family now? Why do you still want to be treated like a child without your own child. And they can see each other without you there, or want to plan a holiday that's not centred around a child? A bit bizarre that you have your own child and family, but expect your parents to include you in their own plans as if you're a little child still living at home?!

I don't think having a child means that I will never do anything with my family again. I think it is the communication between me and my mum that hurts me more than anything, as I am met with a lot of defensiveness and sarcasm.

I also think it is resting on a lot of things from childhood where I was a child from a previous relationship that had to integrate into a new family unit with my step dad and have felt left out quite a lot, or not part of that new unit if that makes sense. Maybe doesn't to some people.

That makes more sense if you felt being left out is a pattern. You would have been valid if this was dealt with when you were all in the same house but I guess you were a child then.

Right now, it doesn't make them unreasonable to want to do things together without you and family in tow.