Feeling left out of family get togethers

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Hi, will be short and sweet about this, but in a nutshell, my half-sister lives abroad in Ireland. Before Covid, we - me, mum, step dad and cousins- were all supposed to go over as a family to visit her. Since that plan, I had my DS, who is now 19 months.

A few months after having DS, I was told by cousin that my mum/step-dad had arranged to go and see my sister, but they hadn't told me about it and I hadn't been invited. I was a bit gutted about this, got upset and told my mum so. To which I was met with a lot of defensiveness about why she hadn't told me. Next thing they had booked and went off on the holiday without speaking about it again. If my mum had just come and said look we'd like you to come but logistically with DS it won't work this time, I'd have been ok about it, but it was just silence.

A few weeks ago, my mum sat down and said I'm just telling you this now before you get upset, we are going away on a Xmas city break with your sister when she is over here. You'll have DS, so you won't really want to/be able to come.

It would have been nice to have been invited so I could make that decision, or for them to have tweaked the city break to make it something I could come to with DS. Or my DP could have had DS while I went. Again, I just felt as though things were arranged without me and also without considering me. When I got upset, my mum just became quickly defensive and sarcastic saying well I'll never go anywhere again with you etc.

Being honest isn't being mean!
I live near my parents my sister lives abroad when my sister visits I don't expect my mum involve me in everything they do, because I have time with my mum without my sister so why isn't my sister allowed the same courtesy?

Honestly, I think you are being over sensitive.

Essentially they decided to take trip to see you sister. They don’t have to invite you every time. You even say that. You wouldn’t have minded if they told you.

They are allowed to see her on her own.

And they have told you, this time but you still aren’t happy. I think it’s too much to expect to automatically be involved in things because your sister is.

I assume you see your mum without your sister there?

My DP started doing this - it would come out later and if I said anything they'd get upset and defensive - it seemed worse when Dsis was there with her child or cousins with their kids.

My DC were/are well behaved but 3 and no car seemed to get us automatically excluded and not invited to wider family events. It did at times upset me - then life moved us much further away and everyone seemed happier - nice excuse. The downside my kids don't really know my family at all and aren't really bothered about changing that and that seems to upset them now.

The one that takes me back now in in phone calls where Dmum says I'll discus that with my daughter - meaning Dsis - and I think well what am I then chopped liver - mostly try and view it as a quirk.

You won't be able to change how they behave - just how you deal with it so focus on your little family or people who do include you and take an emotional step back.

Very normal to feel like you’re being excluded, because you are. Have you spoken to your half sister about this? Are you 2 close?

OP this sounds so hurtful. Of course you're upset at being left out, even if the reason is that you have your DS. Please ignore those looking to be spiteful.

It's possible that it's simply easier and cheaper to make child-free plans. You can't know their reasons. But it's hurtful, and I wonder if there is some way that to explain that to your mum.

How do you feel about it op? Your mother’s behaviour is not okay.

I too would pull right back and focus on your own family and friends. Your family are supposed to have your back - and sadly yours definitely do not. Invest your time in others.

Oh I’m sorry that you’re hurting and feeling left out.
Im going to make a point that might be insensitive but might not… Sometimes I prefer to not invite certain people along to things because they dominate the situation and I’d like to focus on the other person. Also these are the personalities that often react the worst to not being invited along.
In the kindest possible way, could this be you?

I have lots of siblings and one in particular is very difficult/dominating, buts hates when we do things without her. So sometimes we don’t tell her. I know that sounds bad, but people are allowed to spend time alone.

I might be projecting, so apologies if I’m way off the mark xx

First day on the internet?

Sounds very strange of them but listen - you have your own little boy now and learn from this to be happy with your own little family

pull back from your mum

I think maybe as they don't see each other all that often, perhaps your mom wants to spend some time one on one with your sister or maybe your sister wants some undivided mom time. Frankly I think expecting them to 'tweak' their plans to include a toddler is a bit bonkers.
Most people except their parents maybe find holidaying with toddlers hell on earth.

My DC were/are well behaved but 3 and no car seemed to get us automatically excluded and not invited to wider family events.
Not invited at all @SmileyHappyPeopleInTheSun ? Quite rude, but without a car could you have gone? Would they not consider somewhere you could get to on public transport?

or for them to have tweaked the city break to make it something I could come to with DS

I‘m not sure you can ’tweak’ a city break so that it’s toddler friendly though, it would be a completely different holiday. It’s fine for them to want a city break and fine for your mum do some things with one of her kids sometimes. Do you invite your mum to do stuff when your sister isn’t there?

What’s your relationship with them like generally-when you’re all together, do you get on? If you suggested a city break/weekend away next year with your mum and your sister, and your DH had the baby-do you think that would be fun? Would you all want to do similar things? Do you have a similar amount of spending money?

I'd agree with that. Maybe they did what they wanted to do and didn't want to tweak it to be a toddler environment. That's not a wrong thing to do.

I remember a few years ago, arranging to meet a friend that we don't meet very often in a small restaurant. We both had families and we found one that would the relative ages of our children, and were really looking forward to it.
A mutual friend found out about it and wanted to join, complaining that we were leaving her out. I have to be quite honest, I felt a bit put out because they meet up loads due to living close. If she'd asked me if I wanted to meet up that evening while I was in the area, I'd have been delighted, because I'd have had a good time catching up with both.
So then she announced that a restaurant didn't suit her because she'd just got a new puppy, and it couldn't be left for longer than 90 minutes, so could we go for a walk instead.
I was not impressed. I (and my family) do not enjoy walks, which she is totally aware of - it's been a bit of a joke between us for years. I knew if I told my family it was a walk, they'd probably opt out too. It was also January, so potentially not particular nice weather.
I also think a large group (would have been about 15 of us) walking means that people tend to pair off, that my friend who had toddlers would have been distracted keeping an eye on them. I felt it would change a nice catch up time totally.
I pushed back and said I'd rather keep to the same arrangement. In the end she came, and left promptly at the end, which was fine. But it still changed the situation, because it was a bigger table, less time, felt far more fraught.
It's meant that I feel less inclined to meet up with the second friend now because I realised things have to be round them unless I stand firm. And we tend to keep out meeting up with our first friend very quiet.

So Op, what I'd suggest is asking your sister for a separate meet up. You can catch up together as a pair much better and you can arrange something that suits you both. Asking them to change what they want to do is not fair.