To be annoyed at my friend for cancelling plans?

[anonymousc]

This isn't the first time she's cancelled plans, some of them for legit reasons and some of them for more like 'I'm super tired after work and want to nap instead'. Anyway, this particular time I'm quite annoyed, don't know if it's because the cancellation have accumulated or because it's a "something better came up" type thing.

I have a baby (under 1) and my best friend suggested we go to a Halloween light show type thing. It was her suggestion, not mine, and the light show is a good 40 minutes drive from my house (similar from hers, but we live about 1hr15 from each others house). I agreed and bought tickets, I wouldn't have gone without her as it's easier with our baby to go to local parks, and it's not like the baby understands Halloween anyway. This was about a month before the event. Now it's less than a week to go and she's casually called me to say she'd rather go and visit her sister at uni, because if she doesn't go now she won't be able to in the following few weekends. Wasn't particularly apologetic, just "I'm not going, hope you have fun anyway".

Is that not the most pathetic excuse?

Just to add, the date was chosen as follows: I said "I'm free any weekend, which one works for you?" and she specifically said "last weekend of October"

Has she given you the money for the tickets? Under the circumstances I'd drop her as this isn't how friends behave.

Yeah that’s annoying. This isn’t a once off emergency which I could overlook. She seems to have a pattern of binning you off when something better comes up. You deserve more than that. I certainly wouldn’t be making any more plans with her.

I think I would have told her how annoyed I was. She chose the date and time. You then bought the tickets and she's copped out. Really not acceptable behaviour from a supposed friend. I'd be giving her a swerve in future and telling her why.

I would reply saying I’m really disappointed you have cancelled as I was only going to the light show to see you and spend time together, I have paid for tickets but there’s no way I want to travel for 40 mins to go to it alone with a baby in tow so I’m also now out of pocket as well.

Yes she's given me money for her ticket and her boyfriend but not me, my husband or baby. We don't want to drive that far if it's not to see her??

Relegate to a lower rung of friendship. Sounds annoying.

Let her know how you feel.

"Thanks for letting me know. Think we will and cancel and lose the money though as the reason we chose the location was to catch up with you X. Its not worth the time and effort of driving now when we can just do something closer to home. Have fun with your sister."

Next time she wants to make plans be unavailable. Or tell her flat out "no chance, you've cancelled once too often."

I had done and the response was literally "oh sorry I think it'll still be fun for baby to see all the lights? And there's cool food and drinks stalls for you and hubby?"

In effect she's suggesting she's not sure why I can't go without her or wasn't clear that I was only going to meet with her (even though she'd suggested the date and place) rather than for mine or baby's enjoyment

I guess the lesson learnt here is not to agree to doing anything in the future unless you would happily do it without her.
Light shows are often very popular - can you resell your tickets?

I probably could, or I can give them away to family.
The issue here isn't recovering the money, it's the "something better came up" attitude

Could you offer the tickets (that she has paid for) to grandparents, friends etc. I assume you paid the same as her given under 2 or 3’s are often free - not that it makes her any less of a dick.

@OatFlatWhiteForMePlease no one else to really go with - most friends are either away for half term (if have school age children) or have plans as the weekend is days away. And parents or grandparents would rather visit us locally than do a long drive too.

She is a selfish person who is using u as an option.
If u don't want to fall out with her then I would do the exact same back to her next few times, show her how it feels. Maybe then she will learn to respect you and will see
What it's like to not have u at her bec and call x

I agree!

If it’s plans that don’t need booking in advance I don’t think it’s so bad to cancel, if it only happens occasionally, but something like this, you don’t flake out except for if you’re genuinely ill or it’s an emergency.

You need to tell her OP. You need to explain that you had no interest in this event except to spend time together, at her suggestion. You have spent money and then she’s decided not to go for no reason but her own choice. I wouldn’t make plans with her again.

Why on earth does she think you need her to make plans for you?

You could send something really simple like:
'oh that's a shame, had only booked as we were going together and it's halfway'

But honestly I just couldn't be bothered having an argument or even a discussion about it. If she cancels often then that's the real problem and probably best to reduce contact and expectations.

I don’t know why anyone bothers making plans these days. Nobody sticks to them.

Go and enjoy it. It’s not her responsibility to cover your tickets as much as you feel let down.

Having a friend live over an hour away is always going to be hard to maintain seeing each other.

Just no response and wait for her to message about making plans and be "busy" for the next few times.

Just for kicks, I think I'd arrange something free and bail the day before, saying something like "im so sorry, I'm sure this comes across like I'm deliberately cancelling on you after the halloween thing to be a dick but I'm really not! Terrible time to get [the runs/headache/kids running a fever] Lets catch up soon XO"

Then give her a fresh chance and draw a line under it. Dump her if she shows signs of doing it again.

You are right to be annoyed at her and I would be very unimpressed with her reply. I wouldn't reply to that last message and allow things to cool off. Don't put yourself out to see her again.

But still go to the Halloween thing. You paid for it and you might really enjoy it. Turn it into a date night. 40 minutes isn't that long a journey.

I don’t get why you’d not go? Why don’t you go just the 3 of you? Might be a nice event for you all. I do understand the annoyance of her bailing because something better came along especially if she does that often but I wouldn’t let that stop you going and having a nice time

I think you have to be honest as say you know Becky this is the fourth time you’ve cancelled on me and I’m feeling quite upset about it as I thought our friendship was important.

Just so she is aware that she is being a not nice friend rather than just stepping away - as you probably won’t want to make plans in the future if she is constantly cancelling on you