Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that dating someone with kids is a bad idea?

44 replies

OneKeenOchreBear · 23/10/2024 16:09

I always hear people saying that love is love, but I think dating someone who already has kids is way too complicated and not worth the trouble. AIBU to think it’s better to avoid dating single parents?

OP posts:
something2say · 23/10/2024 16:10

I can see where you are coming from but I have voted no, as I am dating a dad but his boys are adults really now, 19 and 22. If they had been 3 and 6 it would have been different.

Maybe your argument is further proven correct in that most of a single parents tome, or the parents of younger children, probably need to devote that time to their children. It would be hard to see them very much and their priorities would need to lie elsewhere.

DaisyChain505 · 23/10/2024 16:16

It’s one of the hardest things in the world, taking on and raising a child that isn’t your own.

I say that even though I have the model step child who is well behaved, polite and pleasant.

it is not to be done lightly and if you can avoid it, do.

Billydavey · 23/10/2024 16:16

You think a woman with kids should never be able to date?

Mrsttcno1 · 23/10/2024 16:16

I disagree, but it depends on the individual and your expectations.

If you want to be the centre of someone’s universe from day 1, constant calls, texts, dates, sleepovers, holidays etc, then yes I agree dating someone with kids isn’t a good idea because you will not get that from them and nor should you.

It’s not something I think anyone should do without careful thought, because being in a relationship with someone who has kids is very different to being with someone without kids.

smallsilvercloud · 23/10/2024 16:18

I've not so far dated anyone regularly with kids as the ones I've come across have them every other weekend which isn't what I'm looking for, however it's not a definite no depending on the set up, ages etc

Mrsttcno1 · 23/10/2024 16:18

I would add that I do think this is something which disproportionately impacts mums, rather than dads.

It’s a lot easier and less complex for a dad who see’s his kids EOW to build a relationship with someone than it is for a mum who has her kids every single day and night EXCEPT EOW.

RaspberryBeretxx · 23/10/2024 16:25

You can date whoever you like and avoid whoever you like, whatever works for you and your lifestyle. Depending on your age and whether you're looking to have your own DC, you may be reducing your options a lot though. But that's entirely your choice.

I did OLD aged 35 with a young DC and never felt in the slightest bit offended or worried if someone said it wasn't for them. I felt grateful they knew that and made the right choice for them (and therefore for all of us).

Didimum · 23/10/2024 16:27

It’s up to the individual. There is no one-size-fits-all rule.

Newsenmum · 23/10/2024 16:29

It wouldn’t be my first choice but I also wouldn’t rule out an amazing partner because he had kids, especially if he was a decent dad. What if his wife had died? And he was an amazing dad?

PinkyFlamingo · 23/10/2024 16:29

So you think that a single Mum shouldn't ever have a chance of another relationship?

Newsenmum · 23/10/2024 16:30

PinkyFlamingo · 23/10/2024 16:29

So you think that a single Mum shouldn't ever have a chance of another relationship?

Exactly. It’s like LTB but you must now be single forever .

Chowtime · 23/10/2024 16:31

I think dating them is fine.

Moving them into your house, not so much.

Comedycook · 23/10/2024 16:32

If you're older....then if you rule out anyone with kids, your dating pool will be really quite small. I mean saying you won't date someone with kids is different if you're 20 compared with 50.

Kendodd · 23/10/2024 16:33

I agree.
Each to their own but I wouldn't have dated somebody with kids when I was younger.

NunyaBeeswax · 23/10/2024 16:40

It depends on the people.

I'm the worst kind to be absolutely honest.
If I met someone, I'd expect them to know that my kid is the most important thing in the world. I'd expect them to know we're a package deal etc. but, at the same, if they ever yelled at my kid or tried to discipline them in anyway, id go fucking ballistic, i know i would and id have to explain that right at the get go.

I am still furious that my mum let her boyfriends yell and tell me and my siblings off. I'm still absolutely fucking furious with my mum that she put boyfriends before her kids, even to the point of kicking my brother out when he was 15. I was there when he phoned her and told her how much he hated her boyfriend and his reaction when she told him he'd better not come back than as the boyfriend isn't going anywhere.

Can being in a relationship with a single mum work? Sure.. absolutely.. but absolute guidelines and boundaries have to be in place.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 23/10/2024 16:40

It depends on your circumstances.

I would not have dated someone with kids when I was still looking for someone to have my own kids with. I wanted the experience of becoming parents to be a first for both of us, and I didn't want to be with someone who was being pulled in different directions between children from different relationships.

If I found myself single while my children are still young, I don't know. I wouldn't want to disrupt their lives even further after divorce/bereavement, but I also wouldn't want to be single indefinitely.

If I found myself single when my children are adults then it wouldn't be an issue and if anything I would prefer to be with someone who had children of his own as well. But I probably wouldn't remarry and I'd be very careful about structuring my financial affairs in order to avoid accidentally disinheriting my children in favour of my stepchildren if I were to die first. Although I live in a country where you can't disinherit your children, so in theory they should be OK.

TwistedWonder · 23/10/2024 16:43

I’m my 50’s I wouldn’t date anyone with school age kids. Purely because my DS is now a young adult and I feel I’ve had my years of august holidays and having to jungle childcare.
Now I have that freedom, I couldn’t go back.

Anyone with adult offspring, absolutely no problem.

No interest in blending families though.

Wonderwall23 · 23/10/2024 16:56

I think it's perfectly fine to not want to date someone for this reason.

I believe that if you date someone with children you should expect to fully embrace life with them and accept that they will and should come first. I probably feel that way because I'm a parent, though. If you're not up for this, the situation isn't for you.

I would be wary of someone who had ended a relationship when they had young kids though, and equally wary of someone who only sees their children EOW.

CleanShirt · 23/10/2024 16:58

I'm childfree by choice and putting a tentative toe in the dating pool for the first time since my divorce. I don't want to date anyone with children, but most people have them at my age, so it's probably more cats for me 😂

summer3219 · 23/10/2024 16:59

Personally I agree but think it is probably down to the individual. I have had relationships with men with DC of various ages but 'step mum' is not a role I was made for so I won't do it again. Blending families is ridiculously hard, with very few benefits and involves huge compromise which sounds too similar to my previous marriage for me to be interested.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 23/10/2024 17:06

Not for me either - perhaps with both having adult children and no blending, but certainly not before.

I love my children. I don’t think I could love anyone else’s, and I would resent having to compromise my children’s needs to accommodate the needs of others in their home.

However, some people are The More The Merrier, and I wish them well with it.

5128gap · 23/10/2024 17:15

I think for a woman it's not optimum, no. All too often she finds herself doing childcare for him. It usually starts with her making an effort to be accepted by his children (and show she is suitable for the role!) and escalates to too much expected of her while he does too little. For a man, it's a purely personal choice as to whether he wants the restrictions on his partners time of having children.

Positivenancy · 23/10/2024 17:19

PinkyFlamingo · 23/10/2024 16:29

So you think that a single Mum shouldn't ever have a chance of another relationship?

The thought that someone would think this is frankly really hurtful. Like as if single mothers are banished to a life of being single!

FestiveBakewell · 23/10/2024 17:22

PinkyFlamingo · 23/10/2024 16:29

So you think that a single Mum shouldn't ever have a chance of another relationship?

many people on MN think this!

Appletreepots · 23/10/2024 17:23

Dunno. I love children and am very open to the idea, although I imagine it depends a lot on individual circumstances.

I had one great stepdad (deceased) who had no children of his own, was like a dad to us, then one awful, abusive stepdad later.

I also had a great stepmum who wasn't involved in parenting us (had her own DC), but more like a friendly adult, and we're still close.

Swipe left for the next trending thread