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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cleaning around guests

45 replies

elderflowerspritzer · 23/10/2024 07:08

AIBU to think it's a bit rude to clean up straight away when you have guests round? e.g. You've just had dinner, and you jump up to clear the plates, do the washing up and clean the whole kitchen whilst guests are sat there?

(For context my DH did this last night when we had a friend over - took him about 20 mins to clean the whole kitchen whilst I chatted to our guest - is this normal? - it's all open plan so we were watching him clean and he was occasionally joining in the conversation).

OP posts:
sesquipedalian · 23/10/2024 07:10

I’d just be thankful to have a husband who does all the clearing up! He probably thought the pair of you were happy to talk, and if it was all done and dusted in twenty minutes, good on him!

FlakeyLurker · 23/10/2024 07:10

Isn't that the beauty of open plan? Or maybe he wanted a bit of respite from conversation

Tbskejue · 23/10/2024 07:13

For me that’d be rude as it’d be signalling that he’s done with dinner and wants the friend to go. But I say that because the norm when we have guests is to sit and chat for a while before clearing up.

Teaortea · 23/10/2024 07:18

Was the friend more your friend than your dh's friend?
Was your DH trying to end the night?
I think it depends a lot on his actual intentions.
If I was a guest of both equally I might feel a bit uncomfortable and wonder if it's a hint but if I was more your friend I would see it as your DH giving us some space to chat whilst he gets on and does the kitchen.

LittleRedRidingBoots · 23/10/2024 07:18

I think it depends how well you know the guests too. If it was family or very close friends I would clear up, especially if the layout was open plan and I could carry on being involved while I did so. I probably wouldn't if it was someone I didn't know as well though.

Original poster
elderflowerspritzer · 23/10/2024 07:18

sesquipedalian · 23/10/2024 07:10

I’d just be thankful to have a husband who does all the clearing up! He probably thought the pair of you were happy to talk, and if it was all done and dusted in twenty minutes, good on him!

Well we share cleaning/ housework equally but he can be a bit OCD about it. It's actually a bit problematic at times!

It would never really occur to me to clean up before people leave as I was enjoying the company and chatting.

I wasn't sure if our friend might have thought we were being rude/ indicating we wanted him to leave (when it's really just because my DH can't stand a dirty kitchen!)

OP posts:
Original poster
elderflowerspritzer · 23/10/2024 07:19

Teaortea · 23/10/2024 07:18

Was the friend more your friend than your dh's friend?
Was your DH trying to end the night?
I think it depends a lot on his actual intentions.
If I was a guest of both equally I might feel a bit uncomfortable and wonder if it's a hint but if I was more your friend I would see it as your DH giving us some space to chat whilst he gets on and does the kitchen.

A very good friend of both of us who we don't see all that often these days.

He wasn't trying to end the night but I was worried it might look that way. I think it's just that he can't stand mess and has a bit of a compulsion to sort it out!

OP posts:
CommanderHaysPaperKnife · 23/10/2024 07:21

I do this every time I have guests for dinner. I don't think they think I want them to go because I top up their drinks... or I clean up before I offer pudding.

I'd actually prefer it if a host did this, and would offer to help clear up. I hate staring at dirty dishes.

WhatNoRaisins · 23/10/2024 07:22

I think this is what comes with open plan or eating in the kitchen. It's harder to ignore mess for later if you're that way inclined.

RedHelenB · 23/10/2024 07:22

Since it's open plan it's a bit yucky to sit looking at dirty plates so if he was still joining in the conversation yabu. I can close my kitchen do it though, so I'd have left it until after the guests were gone.

DinosaurMunch · 23/10/2024 07:22

I think it depends on the degree of formality but generally fine Mostly my friends would be helping with the clear up so it wouldn't bother them!

Floranan · 23/10/2024 07:28

There’s so many factors

friends who I don’t see often, extra nice meal no commitments next day = leave it

if I had commitments next day I would clean up whilst chatting then “retire” to other room with coffee.

good friends I see all the time extra nice meal no commitments = leave again commitments I would clean up and they would probably help

it really does therefore depend on the next day, if I had no reason to need an early night and a clean kitchen the next day, then no I wouldn’t clean up. But then I would factor that in to when I invited people.

a casual mid week meal with friends when most of us have commitments next day, yes I would casually clear up, definitely as you say it’s all open plan. Any guest would understand that. It also depends on when to start clearing up, I wouldn’t jump up straight away, but while the last of the wine is being drunk and people are sat back relaxing, I would probably suggest I’m going todo a quick clear round while making coffee. I would then finish the last clear later

DinosaurMunch · 23/10/2024 07:30

I find it a drag to have a load of washing up to do late at night after guests have gone.. . It stresses me out knowing it's all waiting to be done later. I probably wouldn't have guests as often if I was faced with the washing up at 11 pm every time

Hobbesmanc · 23/10/2024 07:33

I don't enjoy sitting at a table with dirty plates etc so as long as we've all finished eating then yeah, I'd be loading dishwasher etc.

gingercat02 · 23/10/2024 07:38

FlakeyLurker · 23/10/2024 07:10

Isn't that the beauty of open plan? Or maybe he wanted a bit of respite from conversation

That's the whole problem with open plan imo!
We have a separate dining room, so you can clear away dishes and food and continue to sit and chat, or someone can get on with the dishwasher/washing up, etc, without disturbing anyone else.
We had friends on Friday and cleared away to the kitchen, and DH tidied up after we all went to bed.

In answer to the OP, I like the table cleared if we are continuing to sit there, but I probably wouldn't wash up while guests were in the same room.

Wendysfriend · 23/10/2024 07:38

I always clean up after a meal when we've visitors, anyone I know does this too and always offer to help when visiting.

There's nothing worse than sitting there smelling the remains on the plates and looking at a dirty table, it takes no time to clear away, throw the dishes into the dishwasher and have a clean table for drinks, instead of trying to move everything out off your way. I stay talking while doing this.

TheHorneSection · 23/10/2024 07:45

It’s fine to do, but I’d probably make a lighthearted comment about it not being a sign that I wasn’t doing it to end the night, I just wanted to get it out the way.

Caspianberg · 23/10/2024 07:47

I think it’s fine. We always do that. Have kitchen diner so we generally clear away and load dishwasher. Then it’s easier to make guests more drinks, coffee. Sometimes we stay in dining room, otherwise we then move to living room.

Otherwise it’s late when guests leave and we have work first thing or small
child so I don’t want to have to clean at midnight or at 6am the next day before we can prep breakfast/ packed lunch.

Our kitchen is pretty small, so stuff needs cleaning to be able to carry on using

TinyTeachr · 23/10/2024 07:48

Depends on both the friend and the occasion.

Formal occasion, or friends you rarely see, then I wouldn't. Family or close friend I we often, yes I would. I have a friend who comes maybe 8 times a year (and we reciprocate). Between us we have 7 children, with the oldest being 8. When they visit I absolutely load the dishwasher with cooking stuff and give the kitchen a quick wioe/sweep while DH gets everyone settled and served at the table, then I usually empty it and clear the table straight into it after dinner so it runs while we take the kids for a walk/to the playground. It would be mayhem otherwise and I'd never be prepared to host on on Sunday as the washing up would run into th4 next day.

MuggleMe · 23/10/2024 08:03

I think as you were there to carry the conversation that was ok. Presumably if they're good friends they know what he's like.

Christstollen · 23/10/2024 08:23

It's a sign they have to leave.

It's weird to stay seated in front of the remains of the meal, most people just... go to another room, or at least part of the open-plan space. Even in an open plan, most people have other sitting arrangement than the dining table, and move to the sofa.

It's his house, but it's very unfriendly.

Polkad · 23/10/2024 08:31

In this incident I would reference it, "he won't be able to sit and relax until it's done"

TossedSaladandSE · 23/10/2024 08:33

Yes it's rude OP and not normal at all

I think people that do this are either not used to dinners parties or just hate making conversation

Lemonadeand · 23/10/2024 08:33

I think it depends how formal the dinner is.

TossedSaladandSE · 23/10/2024 08:34

Obviously you clear the table

But you don't wash up till your guests have gone

I absolutely loathe when a guest offers to clear the table or wash up

Don't do that it's weird