AIBU to be totally f'd off with my friends family

[Pickledhen]

AIBU to be absolutely fooked off with my friend Louise's family. (Not real names)

This isn't putting Louise's life to rights as such, more the repercussions on me.

I have known Louise since we were young teenagers. We are now late 50s. Her 5 siblings and she were always fighting and falling out with each other when younger. As they were quite comfortably off they also had jealousies over possessions and money.

There were 3 girls and 3 boys. The eldest sister (Jill) is a really unpleasant person. I was friendly with the 2 younger sisters,Thelma and Louise. As we lived close by we were always in and out of each other houses so I knew them all fairly well.

Thelma fell out with her family over a perceived slight in her late 20s and went on to not speak to anyone for about 20 years. She stopped speaking to me at that time because , I assume, of my continuing closeness to Louise, I just had to accept her decision.

My friend Louise, got married and had children, now adults. As time went on she, being the one closest geographically to her parents, did 95% of everything for them, especially as they aged and became ill. Even her 3 brothers who lived nearby did very little.

When her parents died a few years ago there was a huge family fall out over wills and how Louise and her brother Jack were treated. Louise was ostracised by all her siblings, bar this one brother Jack, both of them had been 'shortchanged' in the will proceedings and Louise fought for him in relation to the will and some other family issues( he is generally more passive than her)

Thelma came back into the fold to reconnect with some of her siblings (but not Louise) when her parents were dying, but she soon fell out again with them after they died. She lives quite a distance away.

Jill the not too nice eldest sister, who lives and works abroad, and 2 of the other brothers stopped speaking to me at this time, again probably, because of my closeness to Louise.

So Louise remained close to her brother Jack through all this and they supported each other through the trials and tribulations of the wrangling with the other siblings over the will and how Louise and Jack were treated.

BUT ...recently Louise's relationship with Jack has also deteriorated. She doesn't really get on that well with Jack's wife Diane. From my perspective it is likely not helped or because she has been outspoken on some of his choices, eg over how he allows his children to behave and indulging them 'too much' ( theyre teenagers). I have tried to tell her to butt out, and how this would not make her relationship with his wife any better, but she seems to have come out the other side of this sorry mess very outspoken.Jack has also reconnected with his elder sister Jill and one of his other brothers, so now Louise is essentially isolated from all of her siblings.

I live closer to Jack and his wife Diane than I do to Louise, and would often meet them out, either individually or together, walking our respective dogs. Just a polite hello and the odd chat but never anything about their private family issues.

So guess what, Jack will barely say hello to me and recently grunted and marched past me. If he could, he would not have spoken at all, but I had initiated the hello. His wife will speak but is hesitant to chat as before, there is definitely a cool vibe, even from her and i always just carried on as normal no matter what was going on between them.

So as selfish as this sounds, i am so utterly pissed off with this shit. I have had years of this bs.

For most of her siblings stopping speaking to me for no reason, it isn't a big loss, as such, in my life day to day, but this last brother has really just peed me off enormously. Its not that I was more friendly with him or anything but it's the total disrespect to me that is maybe now really getting to me. I actually feel angry about it.

Don't think I'm not sympathetic to Louises loss of her siblings in her life, I am. I have lived and breathed the peaks troughs,trials tribulations, being friends, not being friends, fall in, fall out, good, bad, ups, downs and everything in-between, often to my own detriment at times, for many years. I wont tell her how pissed off I am about this latest slight, its out of her hands and they aren't communicating now anyway. She has had a really shitty time for years and her family including her parents BTW didn't really appreciate what she did for all of them for so long.

My issue is why do i feel so bloody mad about this now....AIBU ? ...selfish? I know I shouldn't care probably, and I should just let it go, its just now after all of this i just want to tell him and them to just Foxtrot Oscar!!! I don't really understand why now I feel this annoyed and angry with them...maybe it's my hormones, age ....I dont know, or u derstand it, all i know is that i am spitting mad!

They all sound like a bunch of drama queens. Maintain your friendship with Louise and who cares if the rest don't speak to you. They're not your family.

I'm sorry, that's very long and complicated and I suspect that a lot of people will be like me and not really be able to understand what you're looking for from this post.

If you're asking why are you annoyed about this all now - I don't think we can answer that for you. If it perhaps a case of the straw that broke the camel's back?

On second read through, I think Jack and his wife are wary of disclosing anything at all to his sister's friend, in case it sets her off again. That's understandable really. Louise hadn't done herself any favours being outspoken with him, and it makes me doubt how innocent Louise was in all of the other family dynamic stuff. Honestly, I'd keep the friendship at arm's length for while to reflect and see if you get fresh perspective on the events of the past and Louise's role in them.

Thank you both. Logically it shouldn't matter. Yes the whole family have been drama queen's and definitely had toxic relationships. I have had a front row seat to it all. Louise is a bit of a drama queen but incredibly kind too, and this was taken advantage of by her siblings. I think this whole experience has made her less passive and that isn't necessarily a good thing. She hasn't grasped the fine art of turning it up or down appropriately and is shooting from the hip.

I on the other hand am mainly passive so my anger at this has taken me by surprise. I don't do well with anger...not in an unhinged way, it is an unproductive thing for me and I can't cope with it. I'm not losing anything by not having them in my life but maybe the injustice of how I've been ostracized is what is bothering me. An ex cheated and behaved very badly toward me but still managed to be the pillar of society while I was the one who was sidelined. This made me very angry for a long time...so maybe its just revisiting that well established path of injustice that has reignited this feeling and not having an outlet for that anger, like now. Sorry if this is too self analytical.

Is there a chance Louise has bad mouthed you to her brother and his wife? Made up something.

Why would they just blatantly given you the cold shoulder for not doing anything?

Just be glad it's not your circus and they ain't your monkeys...

Very unlikely, she hasn't spoken to him in a couple of months and this coolness has crept in over that time.
I think it is more likely the der sister Jill who he has now refriended is sticking the knife in to me. I have never liked her nor her me and it was always an unspoken dislike of each other. We kept up appearances, but she weilds alot of 'power' in the family. I think he is possibly strategically re establishing a relationship there for his own reasons. It wouldnt be favourable for him to be seen to be friends with Louise ( or anyone associated with her). Honestly though Jill was vicious toward him, so he is playing with fire and will always have to conform to stay on the right side of her.

You're right of course. My own siblings and I are lucky we aren't anywhere near this level of circus and madness.

Honestly, why do you care? All this drama has bugger all to do with you. So her brother doesn't say hello to you when you see him on a dog walk? So what? Just ignore him from now on. Can't understand why you care enough to feel angry 🤷‍♀️

This.

When one person is at the centre, the issue is often them.

You are far too embroiled in someone else's family drama, even for a close friend.

Bluntly, OP, you’ve been waaay too invested for years in this quarrelsome family. It was Louise’s choice to do 95% of her parents’ care, and presumably their choice to write wills leaving their estate as they did, however unjust it may seem. I assume you got something from your investment down the years, but now you aren’t. Step away in your head.

Thanks for the comments. Given that it has taken me 40 odd years to feel mad about how I'm treated I don't think it's a case of me being too 'invested'. As a good friend to Louise I have seen how it affected her mental and physical health. She has tried to harm herself and has been to A&e with chest and jaw pain over it all when things were particularly bad. Her oldest sister is a narcissistic bully and I could see this but didn't say much because Louise still.saw her as a dloved sister, until the wheels really came off.

Not sure what you mean by 'getting something from my investment' Bullaun. I did lose a friend in the middle of it all, a friend of nearly 15 years, admittedly she didnt value me too much.

As to the time of my post, I didn't have time until late in the day. Not sure why that matters, it was something that was bothering me so i posted about it. As I said, I don't understand why I feel so mad about this on this occasion. It doesn't really make sense to me either. I wanted a dispassionate viewpoint that might explain it to me. Maybe was hoping for a witty soundbite to put him in his box.

No matter what your viewpoint it has helped me get it out of my system. So thanks for that at least.

I have had a front row seat to it all.

I don’t know about a front row seat - you seem to have cast yourself as a major player in this drama. Whereas in reality, you’re barely a bit part.

I'm struggling to understand what any of this has to do with you.

You care too much which is why you 'feel' the anger.... Indifference is the opposite... Practice indifference and the anger will dissolve away. Boundaries and distance is what you need from this toxicity. Good luck

Apart from a few details that you may have changed to prevent powerlevelling, I can’t help feeling like this might be my actual extended family. If that’s the case then yes, they’re a bunch of absolute shithouses and there’s no point in dwelling on it, just ignore them

They sound like a bunch of horrible people. Maybe you’ve reached an age where you’re fed up of being dragged into their drama by proximity.

I mean what I said. You wouldn’t have got this mentally involved with these soap opera dynamics in someone else’s dysfunctional family unless you were at some level enjoying the endless drama at one remove. It was like having your own private soap opera. If you didn’t enjoy it, why did you put up with hearing about it? There have never been any ‘repercussions’ for you, because you had no stake in any of it.

There are no ‘repercussions’ now, for heaven’s sake! Someone who used to say hello and chat briefly on dog walks now no longer does so. Someone with no importance whatsoever in your life is less polite because he associates you with a sister he’s fallen out with, because he (quite correctly) thinks his sister has kept you up to date on the minutiae of family gossip.

You seem intent on feeling like the victim here, but your anger is completely disproportionate to a slight social acquaintance being terse when you pass on the street. That should be telling you something about yourself.

No advice op. I sense my family will go through this same shite when the day comes for us. But just wanted to say - off topic I know - thank you for reminding me of that banger of a song ‘Jack and Diane’.