To ask: Does being “Mr Nice Guy” really get you anywhere in life?

[QuirkyKhakiExpert]

I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of the “Nice Guy” - you know, the person who is always agreeable, goes out of their way to help others, and tries to avoid conflict. While it seems like being nice would naturally lead to positive outcomes in relationships and life, I can’t help but wonder if it actually works that way.

Do people often take advantage of kindness? Does being overly nice sometimes lead to being overlooked or taken for granted? I’ve seen discussions suggesting that this approach might not always yield the best results, and I’m curious to hear your thoughts.

Have you found that being the “Nice Guy” pays off, or does it come with more downsides?

Nice guys make for good husbands and fathers but pretty dull boyfriends.

They often struggle to get dates and are overlooked in favour of more exciting men but have better marriages when they eventually find someone.

Nice people get shat on.

I used to be a nice person.

Not any more.

Nice guys are popular, have good friends make great bosses, fathers, partners, sons

I think that nice guys have to play the long game, so to speak. Far too often women (myself included) are fooled by the twats who seem to be offering everything but are actually real shits. They’re just loud, whereas their quiet and lovely mate gets overlooked because Mr Gobby is too busy flirting and offering the world.

Once you snap up a Nice Guy you’re sorted. Just need to sort the wheat from the chaff.

Shitty people get shat on too. Some are just horrors. But its very hard to be shitty to a nice person. You have to really want to !

F**k knows. I didn't get where I am today by being nice.

I’ve heard this too and my husband said he was always the nice guy and friend but felt he was always just the nice guy when he was growing up / dating. He didn’t have much confidence when I first met him but I remember thinking when I met him is he really this nice?! He was and he still is years later :-) He’s a lovely husband and brilliant dad, we are very lucky to have him, nice guys do win :-)

I assume you’re using nice guy as a generic term, rather than specifically just asking asking men?

I think when we know someone is a shit and it seems like everything comes easily to them, it’s a confirmation bias that nice guys finish last. I think we also know overly nice people who have been a push over and never got anywhere. Personally I don’t want to get what I want by being shit to everyone else but I’m going to be a pushover either. I aim for nice but with firm boundaries.

I’d pay good money right now to switch my, what I thought was a nice guy, husband for a genuinely nice guy.

How are you defining nice? You can be warm, caring, a decent person but you must be assertive as well.

You can be the nice guy and be strong, confident, outgoing, fair but firm and decisive, and be highly successful. You can also be the nice guy who is always saying yes, a pushover, projects low confidence and weakness. And you will lose at life. Being “nice” isn’t the issue, it’s just often associated with weakness, when it doesn’t have to be.

DH is a 'nice' person who tries to help out and seldom speaks ill off anyone. His friends are much the same. He does get put upon and others seem to use him for their own advantage. On occasion others have taken credit for his work. On the other hand he's happy in himself.

You can be a kind, warm, likeable person who endeavours to get along with most people and still have boundaries.

I think "nice people" often never learned that it is okay to have boundaries, and how to enforce them in a healthy way.

I think "nice guys" are men who think that being nice is the way to get what they want but unfortunately deep down they're not actually very kind/warm/generous/likeable and the mask slips. They're constantly looking for others to blame for their own poor choices or misfortune.

There’s “nice” and then there’s “kind”. I’d have far more respect for kindness. I don’t think it’s necessarily a good thing to always be agreeable - then you’re eroding your sense of who you are and it sounds like people pleasing to me. Why not just be disagreeable from time to time when you’re upset, standing up to someone, or in conflict?
and going out of your way to help others - this can obviously be a good thing but you have to be discerning about it, and show some wisdom. You can’t help everyone.
Avoiding conflict is a bad idea. Leads to less authenticity and just having to pretend things are ok instead of thrashing them out. I think it leads to shallower relationships.
so yeah I think the “nice guy” thing can make a person appear people pleasing and like they don’t have a backbone or a strong sense of self. Whereas you can be kind and strong, you can be kind and refuse to people please. You can be kind and be assertive when the situation calls for it. So to my mind kindness is better and it goes deeper.

Yes, I meant it as a general term rather than specifically referring to men. I see what you mean about confirmation bias and how it can shape our perceptions of success.

It’s a tricky balance, isn’t it? I also believe in being kind but agree that setting firm boundaries is crucial. I think it’s about finding that middle ground where you can be nice without being taken advantage of.

Depends.

Being 'nice' without boundaries and assertiveness is stupid.

And many #NiceGuy types actually think women should be vending machines where they pay in 'nice' and get sex out. Which isn't very nice, when you think about it.

I define ‘nice’ as someone who often prioritises others’ feelings or needs over their own, sometimes to the point of being overly agreeable or passive. I completely agree that being warm and caring is important, but I also think assertiveness plays a key role in maintaining healthy relationships.

I mean...when I look around and see the number of complete and utter fucking bastards who don't have a problem with the who they are or the way they show up in the world, and place no value at all on being nice, kind, considerate etc human beings and are rewarded for it (Donald Trump, Andrew Tate, Boris Johnson, your every day run of the mill wankers of any gender, etc) it makes me despair a little and believe that being a "nice guy" benefits nobody except yourself, if it makes you feel good. Arseholery seems to be a celebrated personal trait for many people these days.

Wow, I am cyncical today.

I define ‘nice’ as someone who often prioritises others’ feelings or needs over their own, sometimes to the point of being overly agreeable or passive.

That's not nice. And there's a very real reason it's not.

Because healthy people don't do that. And someone who IS healthy in a friendship with a person like this won't like it. Which means you either have only unhealthy friends, or friends who don't know you. Which isn't nice, it's unhealthy.

Yes! People like good and nice people. I have no idea where these neg comments are coming from. I don’t find bad guys interesting in the slightest.

"Nice guys finish last" is a reductive myth. I know plenty of genuinely nice, kind stand-up people, men and women, and they're basically all loved for it by a wide circle of friends and have fulfilling relationships.

Getting taken advantage of is about naivety, not niceness. They're not the same thing.

Not getting anywhere in the corporate world doesn't mean nice people are fools, either. That's because capitalism is specifically set up to reward nastiness. Maybe a nice person failed to climb the corporate ladder but maybe that's not where they wanted to get to after all.

Oh and no truly nice person ever thinks of themselves as nice. It's just how they are.

Not sure about boundaries or assertiveness, DH was OK about that sort of thing with the girls but I think his downfall had been thinking most people are nice and expecting them to behave in similar manner. Most people aren't.

I have a Mr Nice Guy. I am
happier than I ever thought possible!

Had Mr Charisma for 22 years previously and was controlled and manipulated.

I didn’t know life could feel this nice 😌😌

Same here.

It was an accident - shit happened, I got bitter and literally didn’t give a shit. People reacted much more positively to me than they did to my smiley, happy, helpful previous self. I felt respected and it clicked that all that “niceness” had been a massive waste of time, plus it was basically advertising that you could treat me any way you wanted and I wouldn’t bite.