Doubting my decision and want advice

[Evecob]

My stbxh and I have been together 13.5 yrs. We recently decided to separate almost 3 weeks ago.

Exdh is abusive (psychologically, emotionally and physically, but physically was rare) anger issues, punching walls, throwing things, very self absorbed, little empathy and neglectful.. very high in narc and ASPD traits. I have struggled to leave in the past - asked to separate 2 yrs ago but abuse ramped up and I agreed to go to couples counselling with him, and individual counselling for us both as i also had my own issues.. I had an affair due to being so unhappy and tried to leave that way but it was wrong and I hated myself for that. He got v abusive during the time of separation and assaulted me, i called police and he was kicked out the house for 1 night. We carried on with counselling anyway as I still wanted things to work.

Since then the couples counselling stopped, and he stopped his own counselling but I have been in therapy for 2.5 years working on my boundaries and self esteem, my career and focusing on being the best mother for our children I can be. His behaviour and habits have not changed (still self focused, puts himself and friends b4 kids and me) but the physical abuse and outward aggression stopped for a good while.
Then there was an incident 5 weeks or so ago in the car where he was driving at 60mph or so, put the whole family in danger with reckless driving and threw multiple things at me which hit me, shouted and revved the car, with our small kids in the car. I was shocked and scared and ended up telling him to pull over and i will drive, and he cant drive kids anymore due to his behaviour. I stuck to this and he hated it, kept pretending it didnt happen and when i confronted him about his behaviour he just said "cool" or "ok". I had reported it to the police the day after who gave advice but i didnt make a statement, as i was afraid of what might happen if he didnt want to split. 2 or 3 weeks later we both agreed to separate and move forward with divorce.

The police called again and asked if i wanted to make a statmement so i agreed - he still wasnt being accountable and only looked up therapy 3 weeks later cuz i told him he needs to. I gave evidence to them about the past abuse as well and they said they will interview him. Which takes us to now, 5-6 weeks after the incident. We have been fairly amicable but he has still been verbally aggressive towards me during the separation. They arrested him for common assault and if he admitted it, he would have to do a domestic violence course but be allowed back to the house, his bail conditions if he didnt admit it were 3 months away from the house. He decided no comment and is now out of the house.

I feel really guilty...I didnt expect him to not admit it. Did i go too far speaking to police and arresting him? this feels like such a mess now! I dont think he will admit it but i also want him to be accountable for his behaviour especially with the kids involved and putting them in danger. Should I drop the charges? Im worried what would happen if he comes back to the house but also the kids are away from him and all communicatjon between us has to stop for 3 months so we cant discuss things and i feel awful.

Any advice welcome

dropping charges just gonna make it bad, he will think exactly that, that u feel bad for him so you won't report him again, and believe me he will have enough anger to leave prison and find you to get some sort of revenge unfortunately that never ends well... all my prayers are with you, surely u will do the best!

You have 3 months to figure out how to leave the house and how your life will look without him in it.

Don't waste the opportunity, don't drop the charges.

Please don't drop the charges. You are worth so much more as are your children OP. None of you deserve to be on the receiving end of so much anger from the one person who should be cherishing and protecting you all. You know what you need to do so believe in yourself and well done for taking a stand at last and being so brave. I hope you have real life support. Good luck!

Are you in UK? Even if you didn't want to proceed, the police will/can prosecute regardless. I'm in the similar situation and it's the courts prosecuting him, not me.

I am in the UK yes, the police called me after and said the CPS will make a decision to move forward or dismiss it but it could take months to decide... he used a solicitor and no commented all questions in the interview.

Its just so awkward we have to go through his father who he will be living with to communicate and he isnt someone we wanted the kids to be in contact with either..

Thank you for the support so far.. it makes me feel a little better about staying strong on this..

Don’t drop the charges.

Stop thinking that, as you do, he will try hard to behave well. He never has and will never want to so never will.

Do always plan out the worst reactions you are likely to get with each decision you make so that you are never surprised by what he does and if the worst doesn’t happen, be thankful and keep going.

I dont want to leave the house, my 2 children and I are autistic/adhd and they are very young under 7, and need consistency and structure. Im hoping to eventually get dh name off mortgage so i can take over after proving i can cover all bills with underwriters after 3 months. He would need to agree of course... but he is about to get a huge amount of money from inheritance so he will be fine in future and could potentially go mortgage free.
Im hoping in divorce i can negotiate not touching his final salary pension or 250k inheritance for leaving me the house, which only has 80 to 90k equity in total... but will only work if he agrees to come off mortgage.. before he got arrested he was keen on getting equity from house as well. our salaries are basically the same just for info.

Listen, I've been where you are and I remember the guilt and second guessing myself constantly. You are in the thick of it at the minute and it's hard to see the bigger picture. This man has tormented and abused you for years, he deserves way more than whatever he might get for common assault. He will most likely try every trick in the book to manipulate you, don't let him!

I agree with everyone else. Do not drop the charges.

Please get legal advice about what you are entitled to before you surrender anything, for your DC's sake. You may have all kinds of unexpected expenses on their behalf and he may not agree to help in future. See what your legal advisor says about what would encourage him to agree to you staying in the house. Where else does he think his children should go.

At least see if you can get a savings fund for them for future emergencies or to help support future further education.

It is never wrong to report someone who has committed a criminal offence against you. And please don't settle for anything less than you are entitled to in the divorce proceedings. Get a solicitor. It's the best investment you can make for your future and your children's.

OP don't drop the charges because it may come back to bite you regarding child contact.

You need support from a domestic abuse organisation who can advise you. You may also be able to get an occupation order to keep him away from the house but get advice on that.

Please stay away from him. Don't block his number but don't communicate with him. Get a doorbell that records and keep a diary of his behaviour.

Report him for everything he has done against you. File for divorce and don't look back.. My exh nearly killed me and 4 dc driving like a dick head... I filed for divorce the next day. There are services available to help you. Use them. Or it really is pointless keep calling the police in the first place..

Please don't drop the charges.

Abusive men tend to get more abusive once they feel like they're losing control of their victims.

You only have to look at the news to see 2 women are killed each week, normally by ex-partners they are trying to leave.

For you safety and your kids safety you need to ensure he's on the police radar as an abuser, so if the time comes when you need to call 999, the police will respond much quicker.

If he didn't want to be charged, he shouldn't have done the crime, the CPS only pursue cases they think they have a chance of winning, so you must have a decent amount of evidence that he's a bad man.

Don't drop the charges. You will need to use those to ensure the CAO is the right contact levels for the DC when you divorce.

You are now playing a long game and about to enter the negotiation of your life. I would not be walking away from the inheritance either, it's a negotiation point you can use and his pension in terms of the trade of capital in the house. I know you have no intention of going after those but you don't need to tell him that now.

You are entitled to live your life in peace and protection, right now dropping charges would jeopardise that.

Thank you all for your support and advice

You've got this far, which is a long way. Don't backtrack now. You or your children might have been killed by his dangerous driving if he continued to go on the roads in this uncontrolled state and can't even see that it is a problem. You have three months to sort out a life without him. Good luck.

@Evecob it's not up to you whether the charges are dropped.

Decision Authority: In the UK, once a domestic violence case is reported to the police and charges are filed, the decision to proceed with or drop the case lies with the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS), not the complainant.

Make sure you see a solicitor about the finances. Don't feel guilty about reporting him , he's assaulted you.

Have you got any real life support from Women's Aid or similar OP? It sounds such an awful situation for you, you have absolutely done the right thing but I can understand the guilt and second guessing yourself that comes with trying to end things with someone like this. It sounds like you have clear goals of where you would like to be in terms of the divorce, asset split etc, but it sounds like having someone you can talk things through with and who can give practical advice at a really difficult and risky time for you might help.

Has the person from whom he is inheriting already died ie he has inherited it but hasn't been PAID it, or is someone about to die?
If the former, then you are entitled, as still married, to a share of the inherited money.
I would hold that fact as a bargaining tool. One to discuss with solicitor.

I’m not clued up but is there an app that you can use to communicate? I’m sure I’ve read on here that there is something available and you only contact via that and everything is recorded so if he becomes abusive on there it will be evidence. (I’ve just googled and there is Amicable and Our Family Wizard).

Obviously check it’s ok with whoever is advising you first.

Definitely don’t drop the charges. This is time for you and your kids to have the lives you deserve. Good luck with everything.x

The person died just after the incident, but about a week or 2 before our actual separation and decision to divorce.. i dont think it technically is a marital asset but i was advised by my free legal advice call that as its a such a large amount if it went to court its likely i would get more of a share of marital assets...

In that case @Evecob I would call the shots, and hold it as a bargaining tool.

This is a truly awful man.
Your poor child seeing this.
Get good legal advice and get as much money as you can for your children.
Remind yourself of what those poor children must have been thinking when he was driving like a lunatic, throwing things and putting all your lives at risk.

How in gods name could you feel any guilt when he did that?
He is utter scum.
Take care of yourself.