My stbxh and I have been together 13.5 yrs. We recently decided to separate almost 3 weeks ago.
Exdh is abusive (psychologically, emotionally and physically, but physically was rare) anger issues, punching walls, throwing things, very self absorbed, little empathy and neglectful.. very high in narc and ASPD traits. I have struggled to leave in the past - asked to separate 2 yrs ago but abuse ramped up and I agreed to go to couples counselling with him, and individual counselling for us both as i also had my own issues.. I had an affair due to being so unhappy and tried to leave that way but it was wrong and I hated myself for that. He got v abusive during the time of separation and assaulted me, i called police and he was kicked out the house for 1 night. We carried on with counselling anyway as I still wanted things to work.
Since then the couples counselling stopped, and he stopped his own counselling but I have been in therapy for 2.5 years working on my boundaries and self esteem, my career and focusing on being the best mother for our children I can be. His behaviour and habits have not changed (still self focused, puts himself and friends b4 kids and me) but the physical abuse and outward aggression stopped for a good while.
Then there was an incident 5 weeks or so ago in the car where he was driving at 60mph or so, put the whole family in danger with reckless driving and threw multiple things at me which hit me, shouted and revved the car, with our small kids in the car. I was shocked and scared and ended up telling him to pull over and i will drive, and he cant drive kids anymore due to his behaviour. I stuck to this and he hated it, kept pretending it didnt happen and when i confronted him about his behaviour he just said "cool" or "ok". I had reported it to the police the day after who gave advice but i didnt make a statement, as i was afraid of what might happen if he didnt want to split. 2 or 3 weeks later we both agreed to separate and move forward with divorce.
The police called again and asked if i wanted to make a statmement so i agreed - he still wasnt being accountable and only looked up therapy 3 weeks later cuz i told him he needs to. I gave evidence to them about the past abuse as well and they said they will interview him. Which takes us to now, 5-6 weeks after the incident. We have been fairly amicable but he has still been verbally aggressive towards me during the separation. They arrested him for common assault and if he admitted it, he would have to do a domestic violence course but be allowed back to the house, his bail conditions if he didnt admit it were 3 months away from the house. He decided no comment and is now out of the house.
I feel really guilty...I didnt expect him to not admit it. Did i go too far speaking to police and arresting him? this feels like such a mess now! I dont think he will admit it but i also want him to be accountable for his behaviour especially with the kids involved and putting them in danger. Should I drop the charges? Im worried what would happen if he comes back to the house but also the kids are away from him and all communicatjon between us has to stop for 3 months so we cant discuss things and i feel awful.
Any advice welcome