To feel so indifferent about my life (in many ways)

[Soootired23]

I'll start this by knowing that to many I will sound very entitled. The truth is that I really dislike big chunks of my life and there's not a lot I can do but to wait it out (for another 5 years). I don't like where I live, but because of DCi can't move.

Because I can't move I can only get fully remote jobs and I really hate it. I've been doing it for 13 years this 1st of November.

I'm the main breadwinner so we definitely need my salary (local office based ones are around 50/40% of my current salary).

Because I'm the WFH I do all the school runs and once our youngest comes home, my work gets a bit more disrupted so I end up working in the evenings.

I feel like my house is almost like a prison so I'm not necessarily the most house proud. I also don't necessarily have enough hours in the day and we don't necessarily have all the furniture we need.
That's in itself a longish story but it goes back to having to travel for 2+ hours to the closest IKEA/John Lewis .

My DH is also a bit of a procrastinator but he does do some cleaning around th house (he's definitely better at deep cleaning than me!)

Half of our weekends are for trying to entertain 4 DC and the other half are either for trying to recharge or do as much as we can around the house.

I know I shouldn't hate my life but at the same time I'm so fed up with it.

Five years ago was the start of Covid. It will fly by in a flash. You can clean the house then. On the other side of this you can feel kind of proud that you got through it. Try to enjoy as much time as you can.

Yes, when I got together with my no DH the countdown began and back then it was 12 years! But I still can't fathom living like this a lot longer.

How old are the kids?

In the olden days, pre covid, people didn't pick up their kids from school and then get on with their work. They either paid someone to pick them up and make their tea, or stopped work and shared shifts with a partner.

It is unfair that you are doing the main breadwinning and the childcare.

Can DH not do, for example, all childcare from 5.30pm onwards, and also all mornings getting ready for school? So you could work e.g 7-8.30am then just emerge and do school run. Then in the evening you get a break or every other evening you each get a break.

Or can money be found for e.g. 10 hours a week of someone to do pickups? Imagine how much you'd get done with 10 more working hours.

Weekends you clean house together.

That all sounds very ideal but the truth is that:

*DH job is a long commute with an 830 start, and he gets home around 6.
*Daily wraparound is around £20 per day (for both mornings and afternoons). Once you add it up it's substantial.
That being said, the school runs are something I kind of used to (as I've said it's been 13 years now!)

The cleaning the house over the weekend, we do try, but because I don't like being in my house anymore, we tend to st least go out one of the days. Then the other day we do something, but it's genuinely never enough.

The DC are 17, 14, 12, and 5. The mid ones won't clean at all and I'm to tired to argue with them about their rooms. The eldest one sometimes helps. We've thought he could do the afternoon school run too (the days he can) but so far he doesn't seem too keen.

This does sound like you have too much work and not enough play.

Am I right in guessing, based on you saying you need to 'entertain' fairly old children, that you live somewhere isolated with not much going on?

You definitely need some fun! Cleaning is less important, and may follow if you find a way out of your funk and back to enjoying life.

Can you think back to a time you've really enjoyed life, and identify the factors?

Just do not clean the older children’s rooms, they can do their own laundry as well.

We were a family of six children, not helping was non negotiable, my parents worked FT both were managers of organisations in charge of a lot of staff, with them both doing shift work as well. My Mother had us assisting from very young and it was a military style running of that house. It does mean we all grew up very capable, I was cooking family dinner when it was my turn at 13.

What's the distance to the school are they close to each other?

I would feel the same as you with the house being a bit of a prison, unless people are introverts or anti social then WFH really isn’t for everyone. I never had a fully WFH job and would have hated it.

I didn't live here! I moved 10 years ago.

We do live in a very isolated place when not a lot happens and the cinema is the size of a big TV. The eldest can't wait to move away (I wish I could move with him!)

The DC go to 3 different schools, the shortest drive between is 15mins, but the girls' school is a 35mins drive away.

Fully WFH, I understand the being trapped in the same 4 walls feeling. Almost impossible to clean, as the house is always, always in use.

My suggestion is decluttering. There is a Christmas cleanalong thread, I m following it for inspiration.

Maybe get deep cleaners in some Saturday, it will force you to clean and declutter. Donate old furniture to St V de Paul, they will come and collect, and buy some new. Or even get new throws to brighten up a room.

Can you take a lunch hour and force yourself out of the house? A walk or a swim might be pleasant.

Cinema at weekends. Go for dinner with your 17 year old, or DH, the older children are old enough to babysit.

Book club?

We do have a lot of stuff and not enough storage.

We've had plans of turning the garage into a storage room with an indoor door, but we never do it because we always think of other things to do (mostly holidays).

I try to walk the dogs during my working day, I don't always can, but I do try.

We also go out (as date type thing) at least once every 4/6 weeks.

It seems to be a time of life issue, I have 3 more years until my two are at uni level. I m counting down the days to freedom.

I also walk the dog during my working day, more solitude!!

I m single, so I date, that's the exciting part of my life, and my way to meet new people, experience new places.

Holidays are my escapism too.

Yes very similar! I like going out, but I only have two actual friends and both are sometimes too broke to go out.

I'm also lazy (I'll admit to that) in the sense that I don't enjoy the continuous meeting/messaging to nurture a friendship.

It's possibly perimenopause as well. I m 45, I like to fully control my time, and rest when I want. I hate being locked down to new friendship schedules (even though I want more friends!!!). Catch 22.

I actually think I'm entering it! However I've felt this way (peaks & valleys) for the past 11/10 years.

It goes away, but it's also ever present.

You say you can’t move because of the children. Why not? Children move schools all the time and if it’s going to have such a huge positive effect on your life and therefore as a knock on effect, theirs too just do it.

moving would bring more activities, socialisation, being able to attend work rather than being at home.

if you find your house and cleaning overwhelming hire a cleaner. If you say you can’t justify the money, sacrifice something elsewhere in your life to pay for it if it will bring that much less stress to your life by having someone help you out.

3 out of 4 of your children are old enough to be helping at home. No excuses. You don’t need to shout and argue about it, you simply tell them that if they don’t complete their contribution towards the running of the house they don’t get things like the WiFi password or pocket money or lifts to friends etc.

have a whiteboard or list in clear view with everubodys daily tasks. Loading/unloading dishwasher, taking out bins, hoovering, putting away washing. These things are all are appropriate for kids and teens. If these jobs aren’t completed, you aren’t given the WiFi password, games console or tv remote at the end of the day.

It sounds like you made a lot of decisions in isolation, but put them together and it's too much of a slog. Why can't you move - the kids are at three different schools, so that can't be much worse. DH has a long commute, that can't be much worse. You are isolated, that can't be much worse. Your DCs can't do normal things after school and can't wait to leave - what is keeping you where you are? If you are just overwhelmed and moving is something else to give headspace to, I would really think about it as the priority. Can you move nearer one of the schools and DH's work?

If you really are stuck, I think it would be worth going to work in the library, a cafe or shared office space you can rent. You need to have some time out the house and to compartmentalise a bit more, breaking the day up can make it go quicker.

I think you will regret wishing this time away when the DCs have left home, but you need to free up some time to actually enjoy them. Can you talk to DH about how you feel? Does he have any suggestions?

The short answer is custody arrangements. With shared custody we simply can't move. The only exception is if I become unemployed and I can't find a decent job.

My DH is a bit of a Disney dad and we really can't get the children to do much. I don't deal really well with nagging them so for the well-being of everyone I just don't bother.

I’m so sorry. I feel similar. Trapped in a life that I don’t like

It's horrible, isn't it? But I feel like I'm being ungrateful. We have a roof, food, holidays. We don't struggle.

You can order furniture from Ikea, no need to drive to one. Get some storage items and declutter your home. Think of what would make it more comfy this winter.

It sounds like a word with your husband is needed too. He is responsible for the stepkids and it is up to him to make them tidy or he can pick up the slack if he wants. You should stop making any effort for them.

Carve out a bit of time for yourself on weekends.

The occasional commute to the office - even once every few weeks if that’s all that’s possible given the distance, also makes a big difference compared to being home all the time.

Stop settling and not causing a fuss for everyone else’s well being and think of your own.

you shouldn’t be a push over and do everything for everyone for their wellbeing. You’re doing them no favours and not setting them up well for a life as independent adults.

im sure there is a compromise on moving of custody is an issue. Move further away but not as far as you had planned.

it sounds like there are options to make your life easier and more fulfilled but you’re in such a negative head space you aren’t actively choosing to make the changes.

I actually do "carve" time for myself. I get on my spinning bike at least 4/5 hours a week. It's my "me time" and possibly the only thing that keeps me sane.

I have mixed feelings about getting IKEA stuff, one delivery was wrong many years ago and they never put it right.

Last year we bought some drawers and it took us maybe two months to put them together.

In my previous, previous role we did have an office event once a month, it definitely made a difference. Current job, everybody is remote so there isn't an office to just show up.

I also don't have a dedicated office room at home, but that's not on my top of my priorities.

The DC are very blase about the whole thing and it enrages me, to the point that they get "scared". So now I tell them maybe twice? But to avoid any sort of conflict I just don't bother. Not worth it. I don't clean their rooms BTW they literally live in a mess. At least the two girls do. The eldest keeps his room nice and tidy because he likes it that way.

The closest I'd move (that would be worthwhile) is at least 2 hours away, which for a shared custody is simply too far.

Sorry but I would move purely based on that. 3 different schools, are you joking?!

The kids might enjoy a change of scenery if you move to a town or city where they can be more independent.

You don't have to put your life on hold, especially when it's a bit crap for everyone in various ways.

Apologies if I missed this, but whose children are they? Who is custody being shared with?

It basically with four children and 13 years of WFH I'm not surprised you are feeling ground down and bored. That's a lot of grind. But the older ones will be independent soon, and then hopefully you can change things up a bit.