Mum and sister bitching about me

[Jeansontoast]

I really need some perspective. As I feel hurt by the words of my mum and sister but I don't know how to act on what I've been told.

So I've always thought my mum and sister discuss me behind my back, on occasion, being a bit bitchy. Well long story short I have seen some messages on my mums phone from their WhatsApp conversations. Basically slagging me off, saying things like how I post cringey stuff on Instagram (I really don't think I do, but that is subjective, I suppose), how I have too much time on my hands, and conversations between them where my mum is playing the victim to my sister in arguements I've had with her.

A bit of history, as alone, this might not seem too much of a big deal. But the past year, especially while I've been pregnant my mum has become very bitchy about my partner and my choices to my face. When I was having doubts in pregnancy she made me feel terrible for contemplating an abortion and walked out on me in a cafe, despite me being pretty vulnerable and crying on the phone to her the day before.

She has recently had an arguement with my 12 year old daughter... where she called her a bitch and a little shit. Saying she hates how she turned out. This was triggered by my daughter asking her to tidy up, when my mum created an awful mess.

So hearing of these messages between her and my sister, is just another thing that is really making question my relationship with the both of them. And what I should do next. Any advice?

BTW, I didn't go looking for these messages. Someone else went through her phone and then thought to tell me about what was said on WhatsApp.

I can empathise. The best thing is to give yourself a bit of space from them.

I found text messages between my mum and sister basically saying that they didn't think I could cope with my daughter and that was why I was always asking my sister for play dates - my daughter and niece are the same age and nothing to do with not being able to cope. They are very much peas in a pod and I have always felt that my mum is much closer to my sister. Both my sister and I work for the NHS, I am in a non-clinical role and my sister is in a clinical role. I got up and left the room when they started talking about NHS pay and both saying they couldn't udnerstand why I got paid the same as my sister etc, etc. Anyway it left me feeling pretty low and rubbish.

I haven't gone no contact, but I have distanced myself and I have also told my mum how things make me feel, but nothing changes. My sister's kids seem to be the favourites too. It's hard, but you either have it out with them or put a bt of distance between you and see if they notice.

this. Your mum sounds nasty.

Do you rely on your mum and sister for anything? Childcare etc? If not, and you're only in contact because they're family I'd suggest distancing yourself from both of them.

You can always remove them from your social media, or suggest if they don't like/agree with what you post for them to remove themselves.

Regardless of them being family toxic is toxic and nobody needs that. I did it to my parents, cut one off completely. It took a lot to do it, but it helped me to grow as an adult.

And you wouldn't feel guilty about creating or allowing situations where your daughter is getting verbally abused by someone who should love her unconditionally? You wouldn't feel guilty about your daughter feeling sad when she sees how different her friends' grandparents are with them and wondering why hers is so horrible to her and if she's done something wrong or is unlovable?

Oh OP, your mother is a horror.
Please protect your child from her.
Stop allowing some FOG towards anwful person make you sacrifice your child.
That would be a really selfish thing to do and you don't want to be a selfish mum too.
Put your child and yourself first.
Do as advised, slow fade,
Be busy and unavailable.

You should start your own thread to get responses, otherwise everyone will be talking across each other

I suggest you create a thread in Relationships topic, good luck!

Well having found out about similar situations between my DM and DSers. I decided that less contact was a good idea. DM has now passed and I no longer have contact with my DSters and am less stressed. Anything I post on SM I ensure they do not have access to it. You have to do what is right for you. What does Your DH think?

Depends if she has assets, maybe your sister is driving a wedge between you, thinking she'll get more, or the whole lot. If your mum doesn't have anything, then your sister just sounds like she has resentment towards you, maybe something historical that you may have forgotten about, or seemed trivial at the time. Have you always had a difficult relationship with them both, or is this a new thing? It would possibly be worth trying to find a solution. If you have already tried this then certainly for you own sanity, limit contact. I'll be honest if my mum said those things about my daughter I'd have nothing to do with her!

I agree

Drains and radiators. Some people suck the life and soul out of the party. radiators give warmth and add to your life.
Sounds like they are both drains. If you can be at peace with really limited contact with them both I would do that. They have hurt you and your daughter and it doesn't sound like their intentions come from a Place of love.

Have to add that you were really brave to approach the subject of termination with her and she was bang out of order for judging that really difficult heartwrenching turning point in your life. If you can't seek support at a time like that then she is not going to be missed.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Toxic people and a need to bitch or be negative have nothing positive to add to a relationship apart from ill feeling.

If anyone called my daughter a bitch there would be repercussions. I wouldn't dream of speaking to my children like that and nobody else better dare.

What an awful thing to say to your daughter. And I'm so sorry that she didn't have your back when you had pregnancy doubts. It's time like that you need your mum.
As others have said,, just detatch yourself from your mother and sister without having a showdown . I'm sure they would love a big row and a door slamming session but dont give them the opportunity for this.
Sending you a hug.

Go very low contact, dont update them on your life/daughter/pregnancy
Take a step back from all of the drama of this and just focus on and live your life
It is hard but you dont need toxicity in your life
Dont worry about her mortality, seeing her is not a healthy mother/daugter relationship
My husbands father died last year they saw each other twice in 20 years at funerals because he was so awful and we were advised to go NC by a counsellor. We have never missed the realationship because it wasnt a healthy one. Similar with his brother too.