Mum and sister bitching about me

[Jeansontoast]

I really need some perspective. As I feel hurt by the words of my mum and sister but I don't know how to act on what I've been told.

So I've always thought my mum and sister discuss me behind my back, on occasion, being a bit bitchy. Well long story short I have seen some messages on my mums phone from their WhatsApp conversations. Basically slagging me off, saying things like how I post cringey stuff on Instagram (I really don't think I do, but that is subjective, I suppose), how I have too much time on my hands, and conversations between them where my mum is playing the victim to my sister in arguements I've had with her.

A bit of history, as alone, this might not seem too much of a big deal. But the past year, especially while I've been pregnant my mum has become very bitchy about my partner and my choices to my face. When I was having doubts in pregnancy she made me feel terrible for contemplating an abortion and walked out on me in a cafe, despite me being pretty vulnerable and crying on the phone to her the day before.

She has recently had an arguement with my 12 year old daughter... where she called her a bitch and a little shit. Saying she hates how she turned out. This was triggered by my daughter asking her to tidy up, when my mum created an awful mess.

So hearing of these messages between her and my sister, is just another thing that is really making question my relationship with the both of them. And what I should do next. Any advice?

BTW, I didn't go looking for these messages. Someone else went through her phone and then thought to tell me about what was said on WhatsApp.

Do I know you personally?

Well i’d be limiting contact for a while for sure if she called my daughter a bitch. Completely out of order. Restrict what they can see of your social media too, either limit them or block them.

Then stop acting like you do and get a hobby

Op this would be a big deal, even without your mum being so vile to your dd. Your mum gossiping about you spitefully to your sister breaks all decent parenting rules. This is really toxic behaviour.

I would subtlety block them like a pp suggests and totally lock down your sm communications.

It’s hard to see the wood for the trees when you are in the middle of a forest but your mum is abusive and it’s hard to reconcile with the person she ought to be.

Hold your head up high and put a huge distance between you and eventually move away if you can. Maybe get some counselling to strengthen your boundaries.

Do you have other rl friends and family for support?

Look at your posts OP.

You’re letting your mother verbally abuse your DD when you should rip her a new one.

You’re scared of feeling guilty when your mother dies.She could drop dead tomorrow or live another 20 years.

Imagine 20 years of misery and abuse directed at you and your daughter because “she’s your mum”

She gave birth to you but it doesn’t give her carte blanche to treat you and your daughter the way she does.

Look up FOG (fear,obligation,guilt). There’s an excellent thread on Relationships called Stately Homes- it’s for people with dysfunctional families/parents.

You’re stuck in very toxic dynamic where your sister is golden child and you (and by extension your poor DD) are a scapegoat.

Get yourself some counselling and quit this games your mother and sister are playing otherwise your DD will pay the price in the future.

No loving parent treats their family the way your mother does

I wouldn’t have any contact with anyone who called my child a bitch or a little shit. Absolutely no way.

I have friends and my dad, thankfully!

I have now blocked her on social media and recently have moved further away from the city in which she lives. I have confronted her a lot recently about her behaviour, as it'd definitely escalated this past year. I thought she was being better for a time, but now she seems to have targeted my daughter and remains nasty behind my back.

Thank you for the advice!

Thank you for this, I will definitely look into the references!

Sorry OP, this sounds like such a mess. I agree with others that I would’ve cut contact after she spoke to DD like that, but it’s not always easy.

I would really think about what you’d lose without her in your life, not a lot I imagine. You mention her mortality but for all you know you could die before her, life is too short to tolerate this shit, especially from “family”.

her and your sister sound vile. Move on and don’t look back, you’ve got a DD watching you and you don’t want her to grow up accepting this crap

good luck xx

Don't confront her op - she's not capable of changing. Just watch lots of Dr Ramani videos and read Will I ever be good enough by Karyl McBride. Get to know what you're dealing with.

It sounds like you're the family scapegoat and your DSis is the golden child. My DSis is the scapegoat and I can tell you that my mother doesn't love her - that much is very obvious. She's NC so now a lot of mother's rage is directed at me.

If it was just you, you could maybe grey rock but because your DD is involved there's no way you can remain in contact because you cannot control their interactions.

I suspect it is her daughter who went through her grandmother’s phone and told her mother, the OP. The OP previously posted that her daughter is currently on holiday with the grandmother.

Either way, I don’t think it really matters. The grandmother sounds like an awful human being and the OP should cut contact, but it doesn’t seem like she has the strength or inclination to. It’s a sad story.

I'm in a similar situation. Me and my sister had a row and my mum sides with her. We have virtually no contact now.
Yes my mum is an adult but is heavily influenced by my sister.
I have tried to speak to her but she is
" too busy" " has to go to..."
She is advancing in years too. But I've tried. I know that the time will come when I will prob be full of regrets but I know I have tried. She is the one going no contact. As for my sister, the row and now this- I don't think I'll speak to her ever again. What she has done is despicable ( the cause of the row and now the cause of the rift).
As mum to us both, I didn't expect her to take sides. It wasn't even about her- something totally unconnected.
It's fine who she believes but stay neutral to our faces. Just stay out of it. For the record, this is a cut and dry scenario. Through facts not my opinion, my sister is categorically in the wrong.
Sorry I have zero advice for you but just wanted to say I feel your pain. As much as some people are right, go no contact etc, it's not easy when emotions are involved. It's painful.

I am really sorry to hear what you have been going through. Don't underestimate the impact it is having on you. Our bonds with our mothers are complex and even toxic relationships are hard to shake off. It certainly seems as though your mother is very angry and manipulative. Setting siblings against each other is a key strategy for attention. Only you will know whether she has always been like this or whether her recent behaviours may be as a result of an underlying mental health condition. I would suggest that you start to put yourself and your daughter first. If she is someone you could talk to with a friendly mediator present that could be useful. If not I would put it in writing. Just tell her how hurt you are. If she responds aggressively I think you have to start withdrawing but only you will know the cut off point.

This will never stop if you stay in contact with them.
Why invest your time and energy into them when they are being so hurtful towards you?
You don’t seem to gain much from it and neither does your DD. If you went NC now you would likely have your DDs full backing as she can see through her now too.
I understand that you would feel guilt. But do you think your mother and sister feel any guilt about the way they treat you? I suspect you would want to rise above that, but at what cost to yours and your DDs mental health? I would at the least go LC, for your child’s sake if not your own.

This.

Definitely make yourself and your family less available.

I would tolerate anything from an as you say, elderly parent but the verbal abuse of your children is a big no. No matter what my kids did, that is very harmful. That is for me crossing a major boundary. Your poor daughter. I would cut off her contact with my children. I would still be there for my mother when she needs me but I would discuss how her treatment of you makes you feel and stand up for yourself. As for your sister get your claws out she sounds jealous and resentful.

You can't second guess why she is like this unless you ask her directly and let her know how hurt you feel. I would limit the time your DD spends with her, she is not a good example.
Just stop posting on social media, it's not essential and your DD is approaching an age when she will want to do this. Think how your DD will feel if she finds that she is the brunt of their remarks in the future. Don't give your mother the ammunition to feed her toxicity.

Hi recently I have been feeling so unwanted I'm a single parent have been for years. I have tried dating but get ghosted every time. I reached out to a old friend a few months ago we talked every day arranged to meet then nothing he has ignored me for weeks now not even opening messages but online.

I don't have anyone other then my kids, my family even don't bother I always reach out to them never them trying. My mum always invites my sister's for tea and days out, meals out, parties yet I get nothing I have to find out on Facebook when they tag each other saying they have had a great time with friends and family. It's been like this years I really want to block them but feel bad for my kids even though they don't bother with them.

Just need to get it off my chest feel so unwanted and no one to talk to

Hello. It sounds like you have dealt with this toxic behaviour for so long that it has become a normalised part of your life so you are questioning your instinct that this is not ok. It isn’t. Mums don’t slag off one daughter to another and call grandchildren names. I can understand how hard it must be as I’m sure you love your mum at some level and limiting contact may feel like you are ‘breaking up the family’. But it is just not healthy behaviour and your daughter will benefit from not being exposed to it. I’m really sorry, this must be very hard for you on so many levels. All the best.

Wow, she called her own granddaughter a bitch. I'm not sure there's any coming back from that. Agree that minimising contact sounds best, but I understand that it's hard when she's your mum. Definitely limit what they can see on social media as a previous poster said!

I would take time to think about what you want going forward. I agree with other post falling out would probably not resolve anything and just make the situation harder to navigate in the long run. You might be able to salvage this relationship but think drawing away and some space and time might help you think and also gives mum some time to reflect as pulling away/quietly quitting for a period of time might make her see what she is missing out on. I would also when things have cooled down speak about how she spoke to your daughter and remind her who the adult is but maybe not now when things are so tense as it will add too much tension. Space, time, measured approach and reflect. Hope you solve this as it must be a hard situation to be in. And not to sound like a judgy bumh*le about social media but I found having a break from social media and going quiet on there for a bit helps in these situations as people still feel like they see you/know what's going on in your life when you post, posting nothing adds to the distants and gives them nothing to cling onto either