To not want my smoker DH to sleep with me and baby?

[cosleep]

I of course know that smoking around a baby is terrible and DH would never do that. He smokes in the garage.

But I have been reading that he should not even sleep in the same room as us. Baby is 10 weeks old and sleeps in a next to me at my side of the bed.

I got him to put his clothes in the bathroom last night after I read about nicotine staying in the clothes.

Should he start sleeping in the spare room? How bad is the 3rd hand smoke?

Please don't tear me to shreds. DH had wanted to quit smoking before baby arrived but hasn't. He has cut down a lot though. He normally has 2 from when he get in from to to bed time these days. He smokes at work too, I can smell it.

YABU - DH does not need to sleep in spare room
YANBU - DH should move

Lullaby Trust guidance is what I would follow.

https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/safer-sleep-basics/smoking/

and yes third hand smoke on clothes is a thing. I would want him to stop completely tbh.

I believe you are right according to the guidelines

I think there needs to be a national information campaign for new and expectant fathers to quit smoking and cut down drinking.

Everyone knows it’s harmful for pregnant women but people need to understand that any parent smoking around a new baby or drinking excessively, or drinking at all and then co sleeping, is very dangerous.

My partner smokes on and off - we don't have any children sharing a room with us but the rule is that if he smokes, he's not getting in my bed. Absolutely not, I don't want that lingering on my sheets, pillows and mattresses.
If he goes on a night out then I automatically assume he's in the spare room, and
if he's having a particularly stressful time at work then he could be in the spare room for days!

So, if I had a child in my room then absolutely he would not be sleeping with me.

@1990s I'd love him to stop. He has been promising to do so for ages but then he doesn't I know it's an addiction and it's difficult but I worry about him.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing He doesn't drink, he quit when the pubs shut during covid and never went back. I drink very occasionally and haven't since baby was born. Yes a bit more info would be good, all I knew was that we should keep baby in our room for 6 months.

@aperolspritzbasicbitch how do I ask him to do that without seeming really mean?

I know he want to quit smoking and I don't want to feel like I am punishing him for not being able to.

@cosleep Has he tried vaping? That is what helped me quit smoking

I think he should leave his clothes elsewhere, have a shower and come to bed.

Vaping is a good temporary solution.

He uses the nicotine inhaler some of the time. I think it works for him but he doesn't stick to it. He also downloaded Alan Carrs audiobook but didn't listen to the last chapter because apparently you need to stop after that.

I assume it’s his baby so he gets a say. I think you are being a bit precious, the minute amounts of smoke/ nicotine left on your husband after he has (presumably) washed, cleaned his teeth and got into bed, not going to hurt your baby.
You will do the child more potential damage pushing it the shops in a pram, if a car goes past.
What you are doing is risking your relationship, which will potentially cause your child much more damage in the end.

Just explain that you are worried about the safety aspect of him smoking and sharing a room with the baby - share the link with the guidelines.

I wouldn’t let him co sleep with the baby in the same bed.

I wouldn’t be bothered about him sleeping in the same room with the baby in the next to me. Ask him to change clothes and have a shower before bed, and obviously don’t let him smoke around the baby.

I would also ask him to smoke in the garden rather than the garage. It’s winter now and it might help him quit if he has to stand in the rain!

I am an ex smoker, quitting is very difficult, vaping helped me quit.

He needs to removing his clothes, showering and not hold the baby for 30 mins after smoking.

Does he change his clothes and shower after each cigarette? If not, he needs to do so, he’s bringing everything back indoors with him whether he sleeps in a different room or not.

If he holds the baby after smoking he is exhaling fumes in the baby’s face. He really needs to stop. The idea that he would wait 30 mins to hold the baby is ridiculous, you can’t timetable when a baby needs holding!

I think the guidelines are probably there for a reason.

@cosleep totally agree that it’s v hard to stop.

I don’t think you should worry about seeming mean. The risk is the baby dies of SIDS. Surely it’s not worth it.

Get him to try a proper vape, not a nicotine inhaler one
I started smoking at 12 and ended up on 30 a day. Vaping is the only reason I quit, even if I did need it constantly for the first week!

Living with a smoker parent and having a baby is not compatible, unless either you are prepared to take the extra risks to baby's health or unless the smoker is prepared to wash their hair, change their clothes, brush their teeth and tongue, and wait 30 minutes after smoking each time, before they can more safely parent baby.

And you are worried about seeming mean? He should have researched and realised this a long time ago...

Absolutely ridiculous

Agree with this, I think the health risks are really very minimal if he's not smoking around the baby, changing clothes and brushing teeth before bed etc. I say this as someone who would absolutely never date a smoker, it was one of my hard dealbreakers and I would leave my husband if he started smoking so I totally get where you are coming from in wanting him to quit and YANBU for pushing him to quit for his own health's sake now that you have a baby to think about but the risk to baby in the situation you described is surely very small. I was a child of the 80s and my dad chain smoked constantly around us, indoors and in the car etc. Clearly not ideal by today's standards but we all survived and thrived.

I wouldn't even be making a baby with a smoker. But I guess that ship has sailed. Deal breaker for me.

I bought a vape and used the NHS Quit smoking app, it gives you daily updates what improvements you body will be going through but it also gives you a running total of how much money you have saved from quitting, you just put in how much you pay for them now and how much a packet costs and it works the rest out - this was what actually helped me quite - I couldn't justify how much it cost me a week

If you ever bring baby into the bed with you then he absolutely must not be bed sharing with you both, it increases SIDS risk. Agree with PP saying he should be trying to get rid of the last 2 (hard I know, my DH used champix(?) when I got pregnant) and showering/changing clothes after a cig. Absolutely disagree with PP saying the health risks are 'probably minimal', you sound like you've read the proper guidance which is what you should be following so follow your gut on this.

When he goes for his 'mid evening' cigarette it is usually before he has a shower. So he then showers and changes. His 2nd cig is usually about 10 mins before bed. He then takes off those clothes, brushes teeth etc. If he does have a cig outside of those times he put on an outside coat then takes it off coming inside.

@Dotto when I bring it up he says 'he knows' and he looks really guilty/ sad so I feel bad nagging about it.

I think I'll talk to him again. The 30 minute thing is annoying, not the waiting to be safe, but the fact then that I will have to be the only option of picking up the baby.

I'll say it to him again about vaping. I don't like vapes but I think it'd be better than smoking.

I was a very casual smoker (a 20 box could last a month) when we met so it didn't bother me.

Since it is an anon site I will be honest. I have brought baby into the bed at 3am when I'm exhausted. I don't see how that is much different to the next to me. Babys bed is attached to our bed.

I'll send him the links and see what he thinks.

Totally normal, I certainly did and I'd hazard a guess that the majority of parents on this site have coslept with a baby, either just once or twice or more regularly! The advice is never to do it with a smoker in the bed (even if they've showered etc), I think a PP shared the Lullaby Trust guidance so that's worth sharing with him. Totally fine and safe to cosleep in most circumstances (baby not premature etc) - as long as you follow the guidelines (I had to familiarise myself with them out of sleep deprivation induced desperation so I understand!!)