ILs priorities wrong

[Gallingleaves]

MIL is one of three sisters. Sister 1 is having a birthday party next month. They live a few hours away from the rest of the family so will include a couple of nights stay.
Sister 1 invited her own children and grandchildren and also her two sisters and their husbands. Sister 2 has taken it upon herself to invite her own children and grandchildren which is causing problems with the logistics so some changes have to be made.
DH is an only child, we are the only family members who are now not going.
MIL has made it very clear that her sister 2 should not invited the rest of her family and is really angry at her. She’s not even mentioned the fact that we are left out or that she would have liked us to be there.

AIBU to feel a little upset that no thought is being given to the fact that we are being left out?

Just adding that it’s not unusual for us to be left out. Sometimes family members visit the ILs (it’s a convenient place to stay) and they never think to include us even by inviting us over for coffee.

Given that the party requires an overnight stay, I would be thrilled on this occasion to be left out!

Yes there certainly is that! It’s the thoughtlessness that is upsetting.

I'm confused why DH can't go now because sister 2 has invited her family. Is it a house party ?

She didn't invite any of the kids or grandkids though, the other sister invited her own and it sounds like its caused a load of problems, so your MIL hasn't done the same. She would be hypocritical if she did, given her anger.

A restaurant has been booked for one night and the booking has had to be amended to accommodate the extra guests.

Ah, I see so Sister2 went ahead and invited her family without asking birthday sister. That's not nice, it's not really going to be a nice atmosphere either for birthday sister is it?

Birthday sister won’t hold a grudge once all the people are there, she’s not like that. I can however imagine my MIL and FIL making sly little digs!

It sounds more like your MIL is just doing what her sister who’s having the party wanted, which was her sisters & partners, rather than inviting extra people which her other sister has done and caused issues.

I still don't understand why you and DH can't go. Is it because you can't afford a hotel, and the only way you could have gone is if you had free family accommodation?

Because they weren’t invited…and the other sisters extended family weren’t supposed to be invited either but she’s invited them anyway.

@YellowPolkaDotBikini1980 no it’s because MIL has made it very clear that we are not invited.

But it isn't MIL's party, so she doesn't get to decide who's invited.

I think it’s unreasonable to be getting upset with your MIL. It’s not her party, not up to her who gets invited, and it’s not her fault you were left out because somebody else messed up the logistics so there wasn’t room for you. Surely you can fight your own corner and say to the birthday sister you’d have liked to come but understand that’s now not possible and you’ll celebrate with her another time.

Nobody should invite other people - and particularly not children - to somebody else’s party without asking first, even if they’ve decided that the host wouldn’t mind. I’d be annoyed with that person, if anyone.

But the other family weren’t invited either - do they realise the invite shouldn’t have been extended?

I don't see it as you being left out. Sister 1 didn't want any of her nieces or nephews or their children there, so your DM is abiding by her sister's request. Just because Sister 2 has rudely invited her family, doesn't mean you're now owed an invitation.

Poor birthday sister thought she was having a quiet meal with 6 people and suddenly it's turned into a carnival

If you have other issues with MiL that's a different matter but she has done the right thing not randomly involving you as well, it isn't her party.

It's not your MILs place to invite you though, it's not her party. Just because the other sister has behaved like a dick and invited her own family to someone else's party, doesn't mean MIL should join in the dickery! Surely if you're pissed off it should be at the party holder, who hasn't invited you?

I don’t think that MIL should invite us, it’s the fact that there’s no acknowledgement that DH is now the only cousin that’s not going to be there when is whole extended family will be.

I think it’s really stretching to think your ILs need to wade in on your behalf though. The only reason there entire extended family is there is because somebody very rudely invited him without asking first: it would actually be pretty manipulative of anyone else to start making a fuss and hinting that you ought to be invited and make Sister 1 feel misplaced obligation to invite you when that wasn’t her original plan. MIL and others staying quiet and acknowledging it’s not their place to try to influence somebody else’s guest list for their party is absolutely the right thing for them to do.

I feel a bit sorry for Sister 1 who’s now in the middle of a mess not of her doing.

I wonder who is paying for the restaurant? Has Sister 2 just doubled the bill that Sister 1 will be footing?

I don't think MIL has her priorities wrong at all. None of the cousins were originally included.
S2 has gone against etiquette by inviting her own guests, so the main issue is that she's gone against S1's plans for her birthday. If your MIL made a fuss about your DH being left out, it would just compound the issue by making S1 feel guilty and pressured to change her plan even more.

If your DH gets left out of events which are planned as the whole extended family minus him, with no obvious reason like all living nearby or having a shared hobby, then it's fair to expect an acknowledgement, but the initial plan here sounds reasonable.

Just message auntie wishing her a lovely celebration and you'll catch up soon. No one needs to 'acknowledge' DH (whatever that means). The thoughtless one is sister 2. Can't believe the cheek of some people!

It sounds like maybe a communication issue? Maybe sister 2 thought when she was invited that it was extended to her whole family, whereas MIL thinks the invite is just for her? Have you heard directly from sister 1 whose birthday it is, to clarify who was actually invited, or is everything coming via MIL who is possibly gatekeeping and potentially putting her own spin on this to suit her anger at her sister?

Sister 1 might assume her sisters would bring their families, I've got relatives like that who only tell the "head of the family" about the invite and leave it to them to distribute it to their kids/grandkids, and I've got relatives who do things the other way around and assume the host invites everyone individually, so they don't pass things on when they should, and navigating what people think you mean and what you actually mean when we invite people to celebrations has caused us no end of problems!

OP I can see why you're upset and it would be nice of birthday sister to now extend the invite to you so that you're not left out. But I don't think anyone is to blame for how the situation arose - you weren't excluded by birthday sister as she didn't invite any nieces or nephews, and you weren't excluded by other sister as she was just being selfish and thinking of her own children. I also don't think MIL has excluded you - she likely very much wants you to be there but doesn't want to go against birthday girl's wishes, which is fair enough.

Do you and DH or PIL organise family parties and invite everyone?

Say nothing, OP, because so far you have dodged a bullet on this one. You have managed to avoid some ghastly family "do", so congratulations!