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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ILs priorities wrong

50 replies

Gallingleaves · 21/10/2024 11:19

MIL is one of three sisters. Sister 1 is having a birthday party next month. They live a few hours away from the rest of the family so will include a couple of nights stay.
Sister 1 invited her own children and grandchildren and also her two sisters and their husbands. Sister 2 has taken it upon herself to invite her own children and grandchildren which is causing problems with the logistics so some changes have to be made.
DH is an only child, we are the only family members who are now not going.
MIL has made it very clear that her sister 2 should not invited the rest of her family and is really angry at her. She’s not even mentioned the fact that we are left out or that she would have liked us to be there.

AIBU to feel a little upset that no thought is being given to the fact that we are being left out?

Just adding that it’s not unusual for us to be left out. Sometimes family members visit the ILs (it’s a convenient place to stay) and they never think to include us even by inviting us over for coffee.

OP posts:

thepariscrimefiles · 21/10/2024 12:08

OP, what's your relationship with your MIL like normally? Do you see her often?

Hoppinggreen · 21/10/2024 12:11

Gallingleaves · 21/10/2024 11:47

I don’t think that MIL should invite us, it’s the fact that there’s no acknowledgement that DH is now the only cousin that’s not going to be there when is whole extended family will be.

What form would like like this to take?

Dearg · 21/10/2024 12:11

How does your DH feel about it?

You seem to be offended, but I am not sure why. Sister 2 has been mighty rude expanding the guest list unilaterally, and now you want to expand it further?

Honestly, just take it that your branch of the family is honouring Aunt’s wishes, and forget drumming up drama.

AuldSpookySewers · 21/10/2024 12:15

My first question if I was MIL is
"Is birthday Sister offering to pay for everyone?"

If Sister had originally invited family members and was footing the bill, then second sister was a cheeky fucker for inviting her own children and grandchildren.

However, I don't see the problem with expanding the numbers attending a meal out assuming that everyone is paying for themselves and checking with birthday sister first.

UltramarineViolet · 21/10/2024 12:21

I'm not sure why MIL is getting the blame for the situation that has arisen

If birthday sister wants her nephew and his family there then I'm sure she is capable of inviting them herself

MrSeptember · 21/10/2024 12:24

But Sister 1 didn't want her nephews and neices, and their children, there. Your MIL is totally right to be annoyed with Sister 2 who has completely overruled what sister 1 wanted in the first place. I guess if Sister 1 is going to roll over and accept Sister 2's rudeness then yes, perhaps MIL should be saying, "well, in that case, I want OP and her family to come too" but the reality is that Sister 2 is at fault here and not MIL.

KrisAkabusi · 21/10/2024 12:28

Mothers in law always get bad press here, but this is impressive blame as it has absolutely nothing to do with her!

MIL has made it very clear that her sister 2 should not invited the rest of her family and is really angry at her.
That's fine.

She’s not even mentioned the fact that we are left out or that she would have liked us to be there.
Of course she hasn't, that would make her just as rude as her sister!

Anxioustealady · 21/10/2024 12:29

I feel sad for Sister 1 and the MIL. S1 just wanted to plan something nice for her birthday, and MIL is supporting her. Complaining about you being "left out" is just piling onto S1 and making her birthday about everyone else. (I never thought I'd say this but) MIL is absolutely correct.

Heidi00 · 21/10/2024 12:37

Sister 2 is the problem. Sister 1 knows you're left out and still hasn't invited you, so now Sister 1 is also the problem. This is not on your MIL to be telling people who to invite to a party that's not hers.

Heidi00 · 21/10/2024 12:38

ILs priorities are not wrong at all, this is not her party to make that decision.

Original poster

Gallingleaves · 21/10/2024 12:38

Seems I am being unreasonable.

I don’t expect MIL to say anything to her sister but she could acknowledge to DH that he’s the only one left out, show some regard for his feelings.

Invites from DHs aunts are passed through MIL, we have a feeling that they have refused invites on our behalf without telling us.

The sisters are in their 80s, I imagine sister 2 invited her family as it’s probably the only happy event the whole family will attend. Sister 2 and her family are very close knit which MIL finds abnormal.

Finances aren’t an issue. All families can afford to pay for themselves or the whole thing in its entirety.

All grandchildren are 14+.

OP posts:

MrSeptember · 21/10/2024 12:40

I don’t expect MIL to say anything to her sister but she could acknowledge to DH that he’s the only one left out, show some regard for his feelings.

But DH is NOT the only one left out. All of the nieces and nephews and their children were left out. DH, via MIL, is the only one who is actually respecting this.

It sounds like you want a bit happy extended family with your DH's aunts and that for whatever reason, at least one aunt does NOT want that. Do you get invited to sister 2's events?

5128gap · 21/10/2024 12:46

This is a non issue for you. You're not going to a party you weren't invited to. Just because some other people have decided to go to a party they weren't invited to (causing upset and some annoyance) doesn't alter your position in any way. You are no part of this event other than an observer who hears from your MiL how rude other people have been. Beyond that it's nothing to do with your life.

BigDeepBreaths · 21/10/2024 13:05

Who do you need the ‘acknowedgement’ from that your DH is the only cousin left out?

the party organiser who through no fault of their own has had their plans highjacked by Cf’s who have invited themselves?
The Cf’s who invited themselves, even tho that will make bugger all difference to the outcome for your DH?
Your MIL…again, this will make no difference to the outcome and she has made her position clear.

Your DH is an adult and doesnt need the wider family to acknowledge anything. It is what it is, move on.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 21/10/2024 13:21

In a similar position as I live overseas. Family don't think to invite us to stuff as they assume we won't want to travel. It hurts and often it would have been nice to have been given the choice to make the effort.

If the sense is that your DH would have liked to attend and is feeling left out, then one answer is simply to make more of an effort with Sister 1. If she's in her 80's then she's unlikely to be around forever. Send her some flowers or her birthday, make the effort to see her. Make sure her own children know that your DH values the relationship and make more effort to see his first cousins.
Re your MIL. I'd simply make the point to DH that he's allowing her to control his access to the rest of the family. This party isn't specifically the issue as it does sound like Sister 2 has been pretty cheeky; but he should point out to his mother that he would have liked to be given the option to go if he covered his costs given it had completely snowballed. His mum standing on her high horse over this has now excluded him. He's at risk of only seeing family for funerals now.

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/10/2024 13:22

Invites from DHs aunts are passed through MIL, we have a feeling that they have refused invites on our behalf without telling us.

Then DH needs to ask his aunts to include him in their invitations rather than going through MIL. If he’s close enough to them to be this bothered about not going to their parties then presumably he’s close enough to them to have their phone numbers and be in regular contact with them anyway?

Changingplace · 21/10/2024 17:10

I don’t expect MIL to say anything to her sister but she could acknowledge to DH that he’s the only one left out, show some regard for his feelings.

But he isn’t the only one left out, none of you were invited, so nobody was left out. The other sister has just rudely taken over her sisters small birthday meal plan.

Do the other family realise they weren’t supposed to be invited? I’d be so embarrassed to be them!

Invites from DHs aunts are passed through MIL, we have a feeling that they have refused invites on our behalf without telling us.

If this has happened it’s a completely separate issue to this party, which neither you nor the other cousins were invited to. Do you ever invite these aunts to anything off your on back?

crockofshite · 25/10/2024 00:30

Honestly, I'd just stay well out of it. The whole situation sounds like a total clusterfuck with unauthorized invitations being handed out to random rellies.

Be disappointed with your in-laws for not having your corner but leave them all to it.

crumblingschools · 25/10/2024 00:42

S2 is in the wrong not MIL. Why are you blaming MIL?

MrsClatterbuck · 25/10/2024 03:12

If I was the birthday sister I would definitely then invite you and your dh as I would not feel right if everyone was there bar you and your dh. Just a thought maybe she has invited you both via your mil and your mil isn't passing on the invite.

Scribblydoo · 25/10/2024 03:19

There are two issues here.

One, this particular event was not a deliberate snub but sister 2 has engineer a difficult situation for everyone. I wouldn't be upset about not being invited...you were never meant to go.

Two, more general lack of consideration in family plans. This requires a chat with everyone that you would love to see them. Maybe kick it off with an invitation to yours or perhaps MIL may like to be the host.

I'd be very tempted to get the popcorn out and listen to MILs grievances after this party debacle!

autienotnaughty · 25/10/2024 06:03

I'd say it's upto to your dhs aunt who goes. Had he spoken to her about it?

If your mil has refused on your behalf then that's rude but if she's following her sister wishes then she's not doing anything wrong.

I get the point though the others make sure their family are included in events but your ils don't so you miss out.

Zanatdy · 25/10/2024 06:09

I don’t think she’s being unreasonable as she didn’t invite her sister’s extended family. It looks like the logistics have had to change because of the extra uninvited guests, so not sure why your DH would want to add more burden to his mum by insisting on bringing his own family too now. Yes his mother could probably just say to him I’m sorry you’re the only one not coming now but its caused a lot of problems trying to add in uninvited guests so we can’t add more in. I probably would have just end up inviting the son not coming as i’d feel bad, but perhaps logistics just don’t allow for that. Is your DH really that bothered? I’d be delighted to be honest to save the hassle and expense

talktalk66 · 25/10/2024 07:47

For goodness sake, this is why there are so many family rows. If the birthday sister has accepted the others coming, then she could just ask you to come too. If she wants to keep to only who she wants there, then she could tell her sister that that's what the arrangement is and the sister will have to tell her children not to come. Me, I would want all my family there. Siblings and their children because we are all family, so I would arrange something where everyone could attend because it would make me happy to have them all there. It wouldn't even enter my mind to not invite my nieces and nephews and It just wouldn't be the same without them.

Pottedpalm · 25/10/2024 08:13

You sound like hard work, OP.

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