Stepping away from a friendship because of conspiracy theories

[summerpeach22]

My best friend of 19 years has changed drastically over the past few months after starting a relationship with someone who believes in many alternative theories—like the Earth being flat.

While I try to stay open-minded, it feels like she’s been pulled deep into these ideas, and it’s becoming all-consuming for her. It's all she wants to talk about with me and acts 'patronizing' about it if I don't agree with her. Just some examples:

She told me this boyfriend broke up with her because he found out she had a COVID booster last year, saying he’s afraid of "vaccine shedding" from her. In this same conversation, she was telling me that I should never have had it and that actually, she thinks the shot she had was expired (two years ago she had been banging on at me daily to get this done!). She was upset about the break-up, but now they seem to be back together as friends.

She suddenly got her first tattoo a few weeks ago which is about the flat earth theory, and insists the Earth is flat, calling her 'boyfriend' a source of 'wisdom' on these topics and knowing the truth. She will 'agree to disagree' on anything I say to try and counter this.

She keeps sending me book titles by text about chemtrails and the flat earth theory. These books seem very fringe and lack scientific credibility. However, if I point out anything a little more scientific to counter, she will not listen and insists that I read these books to find out the truth.

Just today, she told me people were all sick recently due to radiation poisoning from the Northern Lights. The Aurora was amazing where I live so this was kind of the final straw as it was something so special, not something awful and I don’t know anyone who got sick.

I don't mind people having different views on these topics and I'm pretty open-minded, but this has become the only thing she talks about, and it’s starting to feel overwhelming and a bit paranoid that nothing can be enjoyed. If indeed these theories are true, there is not much we can do and we might as well find the special things in life.

AIBU to step away from the friendship?

These people can be incredibly draining. I have one relative I don't speak to anymore and a friend I rarely talk to. I can't listen to it anymore. I don't actually care what they believe.

She sounds like a bore.

I would argue nobody’s boyfriend is ever a source of wisdom about anything.

I'd say because you've been friends for so long, I'd just try and keep a bit of distance but not be too harsh about it so that hopefully, your relationship won't be irreparably damaged if she doesn't last too long with him and she will hopefully be back to herself.

No YNBU. Flat earth is a step too far.

There is evidence to suggest that things are being hidden from us but these people make the leap to thinking it must mean the earth is flat. Their belief in it is baffling 🙄

YANBU. She's a massive bore and condescends from below, treating you as if you are the ignorant one when it is actually her. I would not be able to stand that either.

These people aren't interesting in listening to a different (or logical, scientific) point of view. You would be very reasonable to put in some distance! Hopefully she'll come back to (the not flat) earth eventually.

Conspiracy theories are often adopted by those who are socially isolated/ ostracised or have lower educational levels etc. It’s a way for them to feel in control of their lives and feel more intelligent and special than they actually are. It helps them to manage their self esteem. Your friend must have really low self esteem in the first place if she got back together with a thick conspiracy nut job who dumped her for getting the COVID booster. Her bar must be on the floor already. He is probably abusing her or will soon start to. She’s been completely brainwashed and will abandon loved ones over a difference of views.

Nobody who was previously reasonable and logically minded and who values themselves even considers a relationship with someone this far down a rabbit hole.

I’d let her know you are there if she needs you but you are going to distance yourself. You just have to hope she sees sense eventually on her own because you won’t convince her and she will drain the life out of you. I speak from personal experience!

What is being hidden?

She sounds like a cult victim, she is not your problem.

There is podcast called you are not so smart and episode170 is with a Flat Earther. Trying to persuade people that they are wrong is a waste of time, what you need to do is ask questions to get her to understand her position.
It uses the technique of street epistemology.

J1Dub · Today 01:31

These people can be incredibly draining.

Oh God, yes! There are a couple of people I avoid these days, because my eyes start to glaze over, as soon as they start speaking.

XChrome · Today 02:04

She's... condescends from below

Oh, what an excellent turn of phrase, it's so appropriate.

She's your friend. Why cant you just speak up and tell her you dont want to discuss conspiracy theories and that its boring going on about it and can you talk about something else? How much of a friend is she really if youre scared to speak up?

Whatever the subject is, I'd bail out on this type of friendship anyway as self-absorbed, one-track record people wear my brain out tbh

It's amazing how quickly she's got sucked into this nonsense. How can id react would depend on her behaviour, if she tries to convert you to these theories and becomes rude when you disagree I'd give her a wide birth . If it's just general spouting about what he believes I'd just eye roll and change the subject .

Just tell her she is an incredible bore

Yes, just tell her that you cannot be friends with stupid.

She's not "agreeing to disagree" if it's all she'll talk about with you, if she's insisting on sending you materials to bolster her views but refuses to consider anything you offer, and if she's second-guessing decisions you've made freely (such as getting a vax/booster) based on beliefs she knows you don't share. But you've been friends a long time and the weird behaviour seems sudden and it's only been a short time. Is she normally strongly influenced by new partners/boyfriends and it's more noticeable in this case as this particular one's beliefs are so different?

If she can't respect your request to try to avoid the specific topics where you've failed to find common ground then distancing yourself may be the only option. But I'd try to let her know you're still there if she needs you, just in case there is something sinister going on with this person's hold over her.

Yes, she’s heavily influenced by her boyfriends—their interests quickly become her own and shape her entire identity.

This time, though, it’s not as harmless as going gluten-free or vegan (which she did with her previous boyfriend, only to drop it when she started dating this one).

I'm at a loss because she genuinely has gone from a pretty scientifically educated - 'medical field" MA to reading self-published books from Amazon from random people and not once questioning the facts.

Nothing wrong with stepping away from the friendship.

I stepped away from a friend who got sucked into any conspiracy theory posted. It was mostly her hectoring tone - I was so stupid etc and she was only trying to 'inform / educate' me about the vaccine etc. She has had a very privileged life but got sucked into internet generated craziness. Her kids got involved with local gangs and she didn't realise until the police came to arrest the eldest. It got worse during lockdown because OH was stuck abroad.

I’m afraid I’d have to tell her why I was stepping away from the friendship. These conspiracy theorists/flat earthers are spectacularly tiresome to be around.

That's so very difficult - I would step back a bit but not cut her out completely, as it she seems very gullible and easily influenced by boyfriends. Sooner or later this current relationship will break down and she'll likely need a friend. It is exhausting to deal with though.

I lost my bf of 40 years due to this crap. First it was about George Floyd and how he was a criminal blah blah then Covid and I got videos sent to me which I’d have to watch and she’d quiz me on them. Then it was the Russian war and how Putin isn’t bad and Ukraine are just as much to blame. She then started ghosting because ‘I wasn’t interested in the things that are important to her’. Never mind me asking how her family and job are. I miss her but she wasn’t the same person anymore

I really feel for you and I'm in the same situation with a friend. You absolutely can't reason with them. If you mention science they just tell you the truth is censored. They treat you like a gullible, naive fool when actually they're the gullible ones!
My friend doesn't believe the earth is flat (I hope) but she believes in chemtrails, thinks the government is deliberately sedating the population by putting too much fluoride in the water, believes many different conspiracy theories around Covid.
I was kind of just putting up with it but she really upset me in the summer with her latest theory. I'd been very concerned by the racist riots and attacks on non-white people. She basically told me it was fake news, all those scenes we saw were staged, racism doesn't exist, etc. Then became like Tommy Robinson, demonising all Muslims and immigrants.
This is so diametrically opposed to what I believe in that it's changed the way I see her. I'm never going to dramatically end the friendship but I'm cooling it down.

God she sounds annoying. If you do speak with her again, ask her where all the hotels and restaurants are claiming to be ‘the hotel/restaurant at the end of the earth’ because people would seriously capitalise on the Earth being flat if it really was. JFC.