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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dad threatening to take son because moving house

35 replies

Mysonsschool · 20/10/2024 19:54

I am in temporary accommodation and I have got to move soon I’m coming 1-5 bidding on houses (some nice new builds too) because I have been in my temporary flat for 3 years (housing crisis) I have got to move soon. My sons dad wants him to stay at his same school (would obviously be ideal) but has been messaging me all day saying my son will live with him full time (he currently goes Friday and Saturday night and most weekends one night his mum has our son) as he has grandparents who can do the school run from his house if I move to a part of the city that would mean he had to move schools.
I have spoke to the council about him staying at the same school but they said due to him being reception they don’t take school into consideration and if if don’t bid they will just move me which could mean I end up in a high rise flat in a area in the city I don’t like.

Aibu to not want to lose having my son Sunday -Thursday every week and just do weekends because I have to move hosue or I am being selfish to my son and should I just let him live with his dad.

his dad can be very controlling and I just feel like he is always trying to control me but would understand to be told otherwise. Also would a court take my son if it went down that route due to me moving.

this is the same dad I was being projectile sick on Thursday after having a abortion due to a SA and I asked for his help to do the school run and he said he couldn’t get him to school as his mum wasn’t home (they live together)

OP posts:
MaterCogitaVera · 20/10/2024 22:40

I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. You’re not being unreasonable at all, from what you’ve said. It doesn’t sound likely that your ex genuinely wants to parent full time. He wants to pass it all off to his mum. Will she actually agree to parent her grandson full time?

I’m afraid I have no experience of the court system. I hope that a court wouldn’t think that keeping him in the same school is an important consideration at such a young age. Maybe someone with more knowledge than me can answer that part of your post. I just didn’t want to read and run. Wishing you all the best.

Original poster
Mysonsschool · 20/10/2024 22:42

MaterCogitaVera · 20/10/2024 22:40

I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. You’re not being unreasonable at all, from what you’ve said. It doesn’t sound likely that your ex genuinely wants to parent full time. He wants to pass it all off to his mum. Will she actually agree to parent her grandson full time?

I’m afraid I have no experience of the court system. I hope that a court wouldn’t think that keeping him in the same school is an important consideration at such a young age. Maybe someone with more knowledge than me can answer that part of your post. I just didn’t want to read and run. Wishing you all the best.

Thank you so much I know the council only take year 6 and gcse years into consideration and surely this must happen as lots of family's are no longer together. He was always controlling when I was with him but I do agree his school is important and would be lovely to keep it the same but I can't promise that and I feel so much guilt x

OP posts:
Eenameenadeeka · 20/10/2024 22:49

This sounds so stressful for you. I really don't think it matters at all to need to move his school at that age, it sounds like Dad is just trying to upset or manipulate you

MaterCogitaVera · 20/10/2024 22:55

Oh, I really feel for you. Don’t take on guilt that you don’t need. You being securely housed is massively important. It will also make it easier for you to be the mum you want to be. Many people have circumstances in their lives that mean the DC have to move schools. Even at older ages, it’s not usually the end of the world for them. Unless there’s something you haven’t said, that makes the current school uniquely perfect for your son, it sounds like your ex is being unreasonably controlling.

Just try not to pass your guilt and anxiety on to your son. When you know you’re moving, tell him it’s going to be a lovely adventure. Give him some special things to look forward to, just small things like choosing a new quilt for his new bedroom, or a new lunchbox for his new school.

You deserve to be safe and secure, OP, and you don’t deserve to have your ex use your son to make your life miserable. Make sure you keep a record of every message he sends you and every conversation you have, and don’t get drawn into arguing with him. Keep the moral high ground; you’ll thank yourself for it if any of this does go to court.

Original poster
Mysonsschool · 20/10/2024 22:58

Eenameenadeeka · 20/10/2024 22:49

This sounds so stressful for you. I really don't think it matters at all to need to move his school at that age, it sounds like Dad is just trying to upset or manipulate you

I spoke to a helath visitor and housing officer in person about this too and they were saying a stable home is better then a school just his dad is like you will destroy him moving schools.

This a 30+ year old man who's lives in his mums house and works as a cash in hand DJ in a local pub on a random weekend. And still wouldn't help me out with the school run when I was unwell.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mysonsschool · 20/10/2024 22:59

MaterCogitaVera · 20/10/2024 22:55

Oh, I really feel for you. Don’t take on guilt that you don’t need. You being securely housed is massively important. It will also make it easier for you to be the mum you want to be. Many people have circumstances in their lives that mean the DC have to move schools. Even at older ages, it’s not usually the end of the world for them. Unless there’s something you haven’t said, that makes the current school uniquely perfect for your son, it sounds like your ex is being unreasonably controlling.

Just try not to pass your guilt and anxiety on to your son. When you know you’re moving, tell him it’s going to be a lovely adventure. Give him some special things to look forward to, just small things like choosing a new quilt for his new bedroom, or a new lunchbox for his new school.

You deserve to be safe and secure, OP, and you don’t deserve to have your ex use your son to make your life miserable. Make sure you keep a record of every message he sends you and every conversation you have, and don’t get drawn into arguing with him. Keep the moral high ground; you’ll thank yourself for it if any of this does go to court.

Thank you so much I will keep texts which include "don't poison him by talking about moving" and "I Weill keep asking him what school and if he doesn't want to move schools he can live at mine my mum dad and step mum all drive and can do the school runs"

OP posts:
MzHz · 20/10/2024 23:00

Research the hell out of all the potential schools that you might move next to and make sure to choose options that are at least as good as your current school choice. Look at secondary school choice too

even IF he takes you to court (unlikely) I doubt a court would order a change in residency if you can demonstrate that you’re making an improvement to living standards and stability in a new area with good schooling

stay calm, he’s trying to spook you and control you.

StormingNorman · 20/10/2024 23:01

Changing school isn’t going to destroy him. Plenty of kids change school when they move house.

A stable home and being with his mum are the most important things for him.

Your ex is a dick.

MzHz · 20/10/2024 23:02

You need a separate phone for the ex. Or push him to email and only check it when ds is with him

WiddlinDiddlin · 21/10/2024 03:56

I really don't think anyone sees a grown adult who would have to rely wholly on his parents to take his son to school, doesn't have a proper job or his own home, as a better option than a Mum who could take him to school herself!

Moving school at that age is really not a big deal, if it were it would be a consideration when applying for properties, as it is at other ages.

Ignore this mans attempts to control you - limit his contact with you to just the necessary and all in writing, and do what is best for you and your kid (which sounds like it is definitely moving to better housing and staying with you!).

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 21/10/2024 04:15

Three points.

Firstly this man is a dick. That is not in question.

Secondly a 5 year old doesn’t have a say. You can make it an adventure for him, but absolutely do not give him the choice. By saying he can live with your parents you are giving him legitimate grounds to be given residency.

And lastly if he’s on the birth certificate he has pr and can refuse for your son to move schools.

So while he can’t stop you moving house, he does potentially have more power than posts above are suggesting, and I suggest you seek some legal advice.

MilletOver · 21/10/2024 04:21

Who in their right mind would think that staying in their Reception class was more important to a child than staying with their Mum?

However, I think you need to seek advice about getting a court order over access. Why does he have every weekend? I would be looking into getting residency established and you being legally established as the resident parent.

As a pp asked, is he on the BC?

And… are you now safe from SA? Was this him?

Starlight7080 · 21/10/2024 04:28

He needs his mum more then he needs his current school.
Growing up in a house with a crap dad and his grandparents raising him is not in his best interest.
Stand your ground ! Move and move schools . He will settle .
It sounds more like your ex wants him at the same school so he can control the situation and have his parents do school runs. At his age this is pathetic.
Don't be bullied. You have done nothing wrong .

urbanbuddha · 21/10/2024 06:51

I spoke to a helath visitor and housing officer in person about this too and they were saying a stable home is better then a school just his dad is like you will destroy him moving schools.

Your DS is in reception, he’s not going to be destroyed by changing schools!! The health visitor and the housing officer are right - a stable home is much more important. Get the best home you can for your son.

Original poster
Mysonsschool · 21/10/2024 07:54

MilletOver · 21/10/2024 04:21

Who in their right mind would think that staying in their Reception class was more important to a child than staying with their Mum?

However, I think you need to seek advice about getting a court order over access. Why does he have every weekend? I would be looking into getting residency established and you being legally established as the resident parent.

As a pp asked, is he on the BC?

And… are you now safe from SA? Was this him?

I am thank you and it wasn't I went to a night out ouy and it happened was not great but since I had that abortion and asked for help my ex has refused to help me at all we used to coparent so well (as long as on his terms) however since asking if he could do the school run due to situation he just become horrible and has made my life so much harder.

He is on birth certificate and does have parental rights but surely the council wouldn't move me if moving my son would mean I don't get to have him anymore. I do everything completly alone and one of the arguments was a area I wouldn't move to which is by his school is where the SA happened and I was explaining why it was harder for me to stay local to which he was saying how selfish I was to not suck it up for my son and stuff just feel so sad about it all.

OP posts:
urbanbuddha · 21/10/2024 08:00

He doesn’t have rights, he has responsibilities. Your son has rights, one of which is the right to a decent home.
Try and focus on getting your house, moving there and finding a good school for your son. You’re giving your ex more headspace than he deserves.

LBFseBrom · 21/10/2024 08:06

You are not at all unreasonable and moving school, if it did come to that, wouldn't bother a reception aged child too much.

I don't understand the bidding 1-5 for a house, are you in Scotland? I know the house buying system is different up there, everyone puts in bids or something like that. You say your current accommodation is temporary, it's all quite confusing. However you surely won't bid on a place too far away from where you and his dad currently live.

Wait until things are clearer, you may not get a new house that soon but, whatever, it is totally unrealistic to expect you to give up such a young child for so many days in a week. Your ex cannot insist upon that, no court would uphold it.

MilletOver · 21/10/2024 10:02

OK, well you know now that your ex is not your friend and is not on your side. So do not discuss or disclose anything to him where you feel vulnerable. Stop talking about your housing issue with him.

Keep talking to your HV and housing officer, don’t worry or set hares running until you know where they house you. Then present it calmly and directly as a job done and if he doesn’t like it, take you to court. But in that case warn him that there will be a court order for access and he might end up with less.

Keep a log of nights he has your Ds, and nights he leaves him with grandparents.

Talk with your HV about a court order for access anyway?

I can’t work out from your post how many nights a week ex currently has your Ds? Make sure you have the majority.

Original poster
Mysonsschool · 21/10/2024 10:09

MilletOver · 21/10/2024 10:02

OK, well you know now that your ex is not your friend and is not on your side. So do not discuss or disclose anything to him where you feel vulnerable. Stop talking about your housing issue with him.

Keep talking to your HV and housing officer, don’t worry or set hares running until you know where they house you. Then present it calmly and directly as a job done and if he doesn’t like it, take you to court. But in that case warn him that there will be a court order for access and he might end up with less.

Keep a log of nights he has your Ds, and nights he leaves him with grandparents.

Talk with your HV about a court order for access anyway?

I can’t work out from your post how many nights a week ex currently has your Ds? Make sure you have the majority.

Edited

He had Friday and Saturday nights but my sons bed is in his mums room at his house I do the rest of the time x

OP posts:
urbanbuddha · 21/10/2024 16:13

Is it really his mum who’s worried about the move? Whatever, just focus on getting your house. This should be an exciting time for you, don’t let your ex spoil it with his empty threats.

Terrribletwos · 21/10/2024 16:17

@Mysonsschool empty threats as pp said. Don't listen to his crap.

Zanatdy · 21/10/2024 16:24

He can’t even do an odd day, and no court would agree you having weekend only access so grandparents can drive him to school. Ignore him

AlertCat · 21/10/2024 16:25

Mysonsschool · 21/10/2024 10:09

He had Friday and Saturday nights but my sons bed is in his mums room at his house I do the rest of the time x

Show quote history

He’s full of bollocks. So you can have a 2-bed where your son can have his own room, but may need to change school at age five; his father can offer him… a bed in his granny’s bedroom? How long would that be feasible!?

Relax. Let your ex be a w*nker on his own, I doubt very much he will take you to court (how would he afford it?). He just wants to make you unhappy because he thinks he has the right to. He’s a git. Good luck getting your new place and with your move.

T4phage · 21/10/2024 16:28

He's a stupid man. Changing school is fine and children soon adapt. A family court aren't going to transfer residence for this reason. I'd still consult a solicitor if you're able to because these kinds of 'men' sometimes withhold children and refuse to return them if the resident parent doesn't do as they're told. It's all about control, punishment and mental abuse.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 21/10/2024 18:05

Children can perfectly manage to move schools. They adjust quickly and make new friends. Losing day to day contact with the mum who has been bringing him up would be much worse and I doubt the courts would support it if your ex took it that far. Ignore him.