to feel used by my niece

[user8291001]

I have one niece (12) who does not live close to me, I try and visit once or twice a year. Over the years we have FaceTimed every week as this is the only way I would get to see her but now she is getting older and out with friends or doing activities she doesn't FaceTime anymore which is I understand as she's growing up and is living her own life.
I always send a gift at Christmas/Birthday and when she is going away I give her a little money for her to treat herself.
Every time she is going away she FaceTimes me the week before and I can't help but think she is just using me now for money.Her birthday is next month so I know she will FaceTime before that. I don't have children so i don't know if this is normal but I just can't help but think I am been used.

It's pretty normal 12 year old behaviour yes.

They grow out of it eventually, (when they start earning their own money lol)

@user8291001 i think it’s actually quite nice she thinks she can rely on your for extras! When she gets bigger she will appreciate it in a more real sense too.

Maybe but that's teenagers for you. I have 3 and they use me, and I'm their mum! They are grateful though... which helps but isn't always the case with teenagers.

I think it's nice she doesn't just expect it and act entitled (my aunt always sends me money). She knows that maybe she needs to make a little effort too, phoning you or getting in touch. It's not all one sided which is quite sweet for a teenager.

I would let it lie and be grateful for the relationship you have and hope it continues for the rest of your life, whether that's because you have her what she needed at the time (money as a teen) or maybe a listening ear later in life.

I'd say it would be naive to think she isn't face timing to remind you to gift her tbh! But, she's 12. The money is probably really important to her, and, at this stage in her life, conversation with you less so. Unless you resent gifting her, then I'd just carry on. She will be grown up before you know it and your relationship will take a new turn as two adult women. She'll remember her aunties generosity and you'll forget that she went through a grabby stage as a kid.

The alternative would be you send money and gifts firirthday ad Xmas but no FaceTime?

Would you stop giving her money if she didn’t FaceTime? Once a week is excessive in my view. It sounds like she feels she has to earn birthday and Christmas presents? Does she? Can you just not give her a bit happily? I rarely see my nephew and nieces but I would not have given them nothing at age 12. You just seem to have got into a routine. If she says “thank you” I’d say that was fine. I’ve got the dilemma that teenage nephew doesn’t.

When I was 12 I used to go and see my nan when it was her payday lol, and she got paid every 4 weeks so it wasn't exactly an easy thing to remember, but I did 😀

She’s just a child and doesn’t realise how it looks. I would let her off. She would probably feel ashamed if she knew how she was coming across. Can you perhaps next time say maybe this time we will do something fun together instead of having a cash gift so that she can learn that it’s not always about money.

I’d stick to Birthday and Christmas gifts only. Even though she’s only 12, she knows well to contact when she wants money, it’s not a nice trait. Or maybe she has a parent telling her to phone you letting you know about the trip so you’ll send money. Either way just stick to Birthday or Christmas gifts as it will get worse as she gets older - she’ll be phoning you before a weekend away with friends or a big night out or whatever.

Children learn from our behaviours. Your niece has learned that you give her money when she goes away, so she messages you to tell you she’s going away… you are the one assigning some kind of nefarious drive behind it. If you want it to stop you can simply tell her you think she’s grown out of getting money for trips or old enough to use her pocket money or whatever.

if you genuinely feel she’s becoming grabby/ungrateful you could perhaps speak to her parents but as it stands you haven’t said anything that shows that to be the case.

I’d do this as well. Drop the extra money for trips. I don’t send extra ££ to my DNs - just Christmas and birthdays.

She's 12 this is perfect normal.

I think that she is growing up and having fun and forgets to FaceTime. She probably realises as something (that you would normally send money for) approaches ‘oh crap I’ve not FaceTimed her for ages!’. Probably a wee bit of guilt in her knowing that you will send something and she hasn’t been in touch.

Yes, that’s about standard for that age. It’s not a big deal. Give her money or don’t, regardless of FaceTime calls. It’s your choice.

It's nice she facetimes you but maybe don't feel obliged to send her money every time. It is your choice really. I have a 14 year old niece who I end up spoiling quite a bit.

I used to visit my nan once a week went with my dad when I was little, as I grew I didn’t want to go but she always gave me cash 🙈so it was an incentive BUT once there I loved our chats, still think of them as she was the only one who was really interested in my nonsense! As I got older again I didn’t care about the money and would say, you keep it nan (of course she would just gift me more at Christmas /birthdays). It’s just a phase, it’ll pass.
These days with SM it must slip her mind so easily. You’ll miss the interaction more than she will, does it really matter.

I think the majority of 12 year olds would do similar. She isn't silly so is just giving you a nudge. It sounds like you have a nice relationship developing. As long as she says thank you and you enjoy the facetime then all is good. I wouldn't feel obliged to give money for trips though. But if you get pleasure from the gift then carry on.

Over the years we have FaceTimed every week as this is the only way I would get to see her...

As a pp said, that's quite a commitment from a child, and you only mention your motivation for it. Are you 'using' her for connection and contact?

I don't think any 12-year-old "uses" another person in the way that an adult might. It's just learnt behaviour - if I do x, I get y. She shouldn't have to earn gifts, as long as she says thank you.

She's not using you she's 12. This is completely normal behaviour. She will remember this stuff when she's older

Perfectly normal!

Having several children over the age of 12, I don’t think this is ‘normal’ behaviour. I can understand why the weekly FaceTime calls have fallen by the wayside but she knows to and is well able to contact you when she wants something which as I said above isn’t a nice trait. It’s grabby and selfish and honestly, I wouldn’t send her money outside of birthdays and Christmas. If I knew my children were doing this, I’d tell them that it is poor form and to stop.

how often do you facetime her?

Is it that she doesn't answer you? so the only contact is when she wants something? or is it shes the one making the issue

If you look at this from another perspective - if she already thinks you’ll send thd money anyway, perhaos she FaceTimes you out of gratitude. Ie. Holiday coming up, lovely aunt user8291001 usually* *sends money, she’s so nice… I should FaceTime her!

We try not to encourage such behaviour in our 12-year-old. Calling up and keeping in touch with family should not be connected to expectations of money—that will encourage mercenary tendencies and define the adult she will grow to be.
Our family sends her gifts for her birthday and Christmas, that's it...
There are also some random gifts that bring her much happiness due to being unexpected.
For her sake, do what you can to discourage this behaviour. Instead give her a random gift unconnected with the facetime calls....
Forgot to add that it will also teach her the benefit of saving up her money for when she needs it ...

Normal for a 12 year old I think. I’m sure as she gets older and matures she will reflect and be a more appreciative about the things you do (and give) her.