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AIBU?

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Original poster

to feel used by my niece

44 replies

user8291001 · 19/10/2024 18:22

I have one niece (12) who does not live close to me, I try and visit once or twice a year. Over the years we have FaceTimed every week as this is the only way I would get to see her but now she is getting older and out with friends or doing activities she doesn't FaceTime anymore which is I understand as she's growing up and is living her own life.
I always send a gift at Christmas/Birthday and when she is going away I give her a little money for her to treat herself.
Every time she is going away she FaceTimes me the week before and I can't help but think she is just using me now for money.Her birthday is next month so I know she will FaceTime before that. I don't have children so i don't know if this is normal but I just can't help but think I am been used.

OP posts:
thismummydrinksgin · 19/10/2024 19:34

At the moment that's what your relationship looks like, she's 12. But that's how your keep the relationship going and then it will develop as she gets older. You will become the Aunt that she remembers cared enough to send her money and face time her. I wish my kids had someone like that x

Gigihadid · 19/10/2024 19:35

It’s probably a bit much to say a 12 year old is using you. And if she is, it’s the precedent you set.

TheGoogleMum · 19/10/2024 19:36

I've never been in contact with my aunts so frequently. I think your expectations are high

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 19/10/2024 19:39

Children are mini capitalists. Forgive her and live her in spite of it.

VioletCrawleyForever · 19/10/2024 19:40

She's 12. Quite normal.

Pandasnacks · 19/10/2024 19:44

It's totally normal. Would you rather she just didn't phone?

Miyagi99 · 19/10/2024 19:44

Totally normal.

suburberphobe · 19/10/2024 19:49

If I knew my children were doing this, I’d tell them that it is poor form and to stop.

Me too. I'd be horrified if my - now adult - kids did this at that age.

It sets the seed that you can use people to get what you want.

verycloakanddaggers · 19/10/2024 19:56

Do you contact her at other times?

You presumably don't expect a 12yo to keep up regular contact with you? That is your job IMO.

Gagaandgag · 19/10/2024 20:20

Just try and see the best in her. If she is using you then that shouldn’t matter because your relationship will still grow and develop from the contact. If you get resentful and not send any you will damage the relationship!
why not send her a few texts and FaceTime less.

autienotnaughty · 19/10/2024 20:41

Look at it as she appreciates you will send money and gets in touch to show her appreciation

HighPerformingFlamingo · 19/10/2024 21:47

I have one niece and for years we have bought birthday and Christmas presents. This was a push from me, DH would have forgotten (it’s his sister’s kid).

We always visited them no matter how many hours drive and I would bring extra gifts and play like I was a babysitter, when she was smaller. When older I would try to have conversations with her. The whole time we hardly got a thanks or any acknowledgment. Now we have a DC and have not received nothing from niece’s mum or niece (both who have jobs too). I deeply regret all that money and time wasted.

It sounds OP, at least your niece is connecting with you.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 19/10/2024 21:56

She may be hoping to remind you about her birthday or whatever, but it doesn't mean she's using you. You've been there all her life, though not frequently seen in person, and these long-standing connections are important to children even when they are apparently taking them for granted.

TizerorFizz · 19/10/2024 22:07

The op doesn’t have to send money. That’s her choice. Just say “I hope you have a great holiday. Don’t make contact about money and break the cycle.

Noseybookworm · 19/10/2024 22:25

Surely you giving her money for holiday/birthday/Christmas isn't contingent on her facetiming with you?

BirthdayRainbow · 19/10/2024 22:28

My Nana's two other grandchildren never used to bother much with her but would always visit the week before their birthday. They were arrogant enough to think she didn't know what they were up to.

Next time don't give money as you have been. See what happens.

BobbyBiscuits · 19/10/2024 22:36

She's 12! She doesn't have much in common with you and probably does want to be nice to you partly as she hopes for a gift. It doesn't mean she's 'using' you. What is it you want in return from a child?
She should be polite enough to say thank you and send a card or message to that effect. As well as sending a card or small gift on your birthday/Xmas. But she doesn't have her own money so it's more politeness she needs to do to reciprocate at that age.
If she doesn't do that then maybe you should reconsider gifting things to her anymore. But at 12 I wouldn't expect much tbh.

HR517 · 23/02/2026 19:43

If you allow her to treat you like an ATM, you only have yourself to blame. Connection is about being valued for who you are not what you can provide. Transactional relationship are never healthy or comfortable.

Createausername1970 · 23/02/2026 19:46

HR517 · 23/02/2026 19:43

If you allow her to treat you like an ATM, you only have yourself to blame. Connection is about being valued for who you are not what you can provide. Transactional relationship are never healthy or comfortable.

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