To be concerned about DP’s stepson staying with us

[mlsmrt]

I've been with my partner for 6 years, we have an 8 month old DD together and he has an almost 18 year old stepson. He's been in his life since he was around 2, he doesn't see his biological dad and his mum passed away when he was 7. He started living with his auntie but continued seeing DP regularly although when we got together and his auntie found out about the relationship, she said stepson didn't want to see him anymore, DP was understandably upset as he saw him as a son but there wasn't anything he could do.

About 2 months ago stepson sent him a friend request on facebook and they began messaging and meeting up, DP found out that stepson had never said he didn't want to see him and that the auntie lied to the both of them. He told DP he hated living with his auntie and he felt she didn't actually care for him and constantly put her children first and treated him differently to them and he was made to feel he was an inconvenience.

About 3 weeks ago he had an argument with his auntie as one of her children (12) had taken his mums necklace and broken it which led to him hitting him which he admits was wrong and has apologised for but this was apparently an ongoing thing where the child would constantly take it to wind him up and unfortunately, on that occasion it got broken. I agreed with DP he could stay with us for a few nights until it was sorted but when his auntie said he could go back he didn't want to as he felt calmer here.

He's been here since and there weren't many issues to begin with but we've since found out he smokes weed multiple times a week and when he comes back here he's been argumentative with DP and has hit him on a few occasions.

With me he's fine and has been helping me with cooking and he's great with DD. We've talked to him about the weed and he's refusing to give it up saying it helps him. We've suggested him go to the GP but he's refused and said his way works.

I feel sad for him but also concerned about him being around DD if he's violent and refusing to give up the weed. WIBU to tell DP if he doesn't give it up he'll have to leave?

I think him getting professional help would be the best thing to do as it's clear his mums death still affects him a lot which is understandable and according to him he wasn't allowed to talk about her when he was living with his auntie which can't have helped how he feels

Sounds like he needs a loving home and some proper parenting.

Nope. You do not have to have a violent drug addict in your home, whoever they are. I'd be asking him to leave, or I'd be leaving with DD. You do not want this around your daughter.

A violent 18-year-old man who is worse when under the influence of drugs? No wonder you don't feel comfortable having him around. The GP might feel like too much for him. Are there any charitable support services for drug misuse or bereavement?

God he must feel very alone in this world. Poor kid

It's awesome that you are happy for him to stay without the weed. He's a lucky lad. I think it's more than fair enough to offer him a home on the condition that he (with support) ditches the weed. Then it's up to him which he chooses. Just be totally honest and open with him.

He’s not going to quit weed if he thinks it helps him and his violence could be worse if he does suddenly without support. He needs therapy. Don’t kick him out if he doesn’t quit, tell him he needs to go to the GP if he wants to stay and you will go with him. If he will get help and therapy then I’d give that a chance given all he’s been through. If he won’t, then sorry, your DD comes first.

I'd say that the hitting is a complete no no.

But for all intents and purposes, this boy is your partners son, which makes him your step son. He's not gonna go away and needs to be cared for.

I'd be setting firm ground rules but establishing that - he's family and you are a secure family unit. Making sure he's aware that he is your son now, as you're now his step mum and he will be treated as such. I'd be making it clear that weed has no place in the house where there is a baby though - he needs to smoke it away from the home.

Poor boy must feel completely alone in the world. 🥺 x

Hitting his step dad is not on and must make the rest of you feel at risk, surely? He sounds like a troubled young man who needs help. I don't know what to suggest; your DP has clearly been good to him and may be the only stable loving adult in his life, so breaking contact feels wrong.

Yeh. A grown man definitely needs a loving home where he can abuse drugs and punch his family to his hearts content..

He doesn't smoke the weed here but he comes back smelling of it and usually argues with DP no matter what DP says to him then he'll get violent (not every time but I still find it concerning). He has said one of the reasons why he does it is because it helps him sleep

I'm at a loss because I wouldn't mind him being here otherwise and DP does very little when he hits him, the next day he'll have a chat with him, he'll apologise then repeat

Oh that's really difficult! The poor lad must have had a really hard life.

But I have to admit, I wouldn't want a troubled, violent, weed-smoking 18 year old living with me and my 8 month old baby, with no end date in sight (I assume he's not going to suddenly be able to afford his own place so could be there indefinitely).

I don't know what the answer is, other than a really serious discussion with your DP.

Fuck that. If he goes to his GP and seeks help for the anxiety or insomnia, and stops the weed, and stops the aggression, he could stay. But failing those changes I wouldn't have him in the house with you or a baby.

I also wonder what his aunt would say if asked for her version of events.

Poor lad.
I think you can both show him support, unconditional love, and give him help but at the same time have boundaries about who can live in your home with a young baby. He needs to choose.

It's weird to get violent after weed though. Could it be other drugs?

He may be 18 but he sounds like he still needs lots of support and care. I wouldn’t turn my back on him - he literally would have no one left. It sounds like he is crying out for love .

I wouldn’t have let him stay. He punched a child and he abuses drugs. You both owe it to your baby to maintain a safe secure home which does not include violent unrelated adult men. He’s a major risk and you need to insist he goes elsewhere.

It’s very sad his mum died and his aunt had enough of him but you can see why she has and it’s not yours or DP’s responsibility to take him on. He’s bloody lucky his aunt didn’t report him to the police. You are not safe. Your baby is not safe.

He’s crying out to get arrested. Honestly, the bleeding heart bs people spout on this sort of thread. There’s a tiny baby in the house, she’s their responsibility not the violent adult man.

He'd better stop assaulting people and refusing to get help for his addiction then, hadn't he?

There's no room for 'poor diddums' thinking, when a practically grown ass man is pummelling the adults and children around him. No excuses. He's lucky to not have been arrested.

@MumOfOneAllAlone she is not his step mum nor is her dp his dad, she can absolutely put her foot down and tell her dp he is not welcome, at 18 he might be troubled but knows what he is doing, its time for him to grow up.

@AnneLovesGilbert luckily he’s not your child then . Kids don’t get disowned once they turn 18.

he's been argumentative with DP and has hit him on a few occasions.

gone.

I tend to agree with this.

Please, understand no circumstances, take what this young man is saying at face value. It's very important you speak to the auntie, all of you need to work together because if SS gets a hint of unrest in the camp or sees an opportunity to cause a divide and play you off one another he will

Please feel free to search my most recent post and you'll see my experience of families not being on the same page

First step speak to Auntie, find out the full truth.

She's probably got boundaries and consequences that aren't quite suiting him right now

Wishing you all the best xx

He’s neither OP’s child nor her partner’s. I hope you wouldn’t allow a violent man in your home anywhere near a vulnerable baby. That would be dangerous, negligent and insane.

Exactly, as if she didn't chuck him out when he beat up her 12yo!