To be concerned about DP’s stepson staying with us

[mlsmrt]

I've been with my partner for 6 years, we have an 8 month old DD together and he has an almost 18 year old stepson. He's been in his life since he was around 2, he doesn't see his biological dad and his mum passed away when he was 7. He started living with his auntie but continued seeing DP regularly although when we got together and his auntie found out about the relationship, she said stepson didn't want to see him anymore, DP was understandably upset as he saw him as a son but there wasn't anything he could do.

About 2 months ago stepson sent him a friend request on facebook and they began messaging and meeting up, DP found out that stepson had never said he didn't want to see him and that the auntie lied to the both of them. He told DP he hated living with his auntie and he felt she didn't actually care for him and constantly put her children first and treated him differently to them and he was made to feel he was an inconvenience.

About 3 weeks ago he had an argument with his auntie as one of her children (12) had taken his mums necklace and broken it which led to him hitting him which he admits was wrong and has apologised for but this was apparently an ongoing thing where the child would constantly take it to wind him up and unfortunately, on that occasion it got broken. I agreed with DP he could stay with us for a few nights until it was sorted but when his auntie said he could go back he didn't want to as he felt calmer here.

He's been here since and there weren't many issues to begin with but we've since found out he smokes weed multiple times a week and when he comes back here he's been argumentative with DP and has hit him on a few occasions.

With me he's fine and has been helping me with cooking and he's great with DD. We've talked to him about the weed and he's refusing to give it up saying it helps him. We've suggested him go to the GP but he's refused and said his way works.

I feel sad for him but also concerned about him being around DD if he's violent and refusing to give up the weed. WIBU to tell DP if he doesn't give it up he'll have to leave?

I think him getting professional help would be the best thing to do as it's clear his mums death still affects him a lot which is understandable and according to him he wasn't allowed to talk about her when he was living with his auntie which can't have helped how he feels

He needs to leave or you'll end up with The Police knocking down your door and Social Services putting your baby on the At Risk register.

I would be a bit suspicious that Auntie may have a different side to the story and she kicked him out due to the drugs and violence and he's only come running to you as your DH was a soft touch.

Yes, he's had a tough life but you need to put your baby first above a drug taking man regardless of the tragic circumstances.

Exactly! Even if it was my own son, any violence and drugs and they be out on their ear!

If my son hit me or his dad I'd be phoning the police.

He hits your husband wtf send him back to his Aunt.

And he's only been there a few weeks, if this is meant to be his 'best' behaviour, what's next when he gets more of a sense of entitlement?

I think you need to suggest he gets some threapy, and gradually reduces the weed. It will be hard for him to stop fully if he sees I as a coping mechanism so he needs to find another way to cope. The violence needs to stop and I think you both need to be strict and clear about this. How's the rest of his life, is he at college or focusing on anything?

Oh I hope you don't have any older damaged teenagers in your life

Call the police every time he is violent. It’s completely unacceptable.
I can see why his aunt didn’t want him there and you certainly do not have to put up with it.

So in the space of three weeks, an adult drug user who your DP hasnt seen for 6 years and is a complete stranger to you has been aggressive multiple times and physically violent "a few times" but his redeeming feature is that he cooks with you?

Have I got that right? OP please don't be tempted to list more qualities he might seem to have - the reality is that your baby is going to be crawling soon and you have a drug user in your house who beats up her dad.

This is definitely not black and white.

I feel very sorry for him, and it would be a lovely fairytale ending for him to have a home with you.

BUT you don't know if he is telling the truth about life with his aunt, or is he simply not wanting to abide by her house rules, and has decided to find an alternative i.e. your partner.

And weed in the mix too, to self medicated, it's not ideal.

I think I would say to him that he can stay for the time being, but having any substance in the house is unacceptable and unsafe for your child. Whilst you understand that he smokes weed to help him sleep, it's very obvious that it makes him angry, and again this is not acceptable around your child, so an alternative way of getting to sleep needs to be found - or he sleeps elsewhere until its worn off.

Don't shut the door on him, but make him see that if he wants a place in your family unit he needs to respect the family unit and its rules.

And a chat with the aunt maybe a good idea.

What is someone to do, when said teenager is refusing all help, and keeps assaulting his housemates? Tie them up?!

OP is not responsible for this person.

So, the things is, your ss is being domestically abusive to your dh. Experiencing domestic abuse (hitting, walking on eggshells, control), is really damaging for babies and children. He is going to keep self medicating with the weed. The past trauma, combined with weed, is likely to be exacerbating hos mood swings. He has no desire to change. So, ultimately, he has to go.

Firstly you sound like really decent people. It really speaks volumes about your DP in particular.

It’s a difficult situation. I really feel for SS but your priority has to be your baby. This would be true even if he were your biological son. There’s a pecking order and smaller children come before older ones. There’s no question of who is more important when one is an adult and the other an infant.

I agree with others that the Aunt will have a different version of events. Not that it matters though. What he’s done to your DP is enough.

I’d help him to find somewhere to live independently. You can still support him and have him involved in family life but he can’t live with you any more. Something is brewing and I think you’ll all end up in a situation where a relationship is no longer tenable. That would be a real shame.
Get ahead of the situation before it blows up.

I think you both sit him down and say we are so happy to be back in contact and it’s been lovely having you here. However it’s our fault for not explaining some of the rules of our house before you came. We’d like you to stay, but you must go to the gp and quit weed. I know you say it helps, but we know you can work out your life without it. We won’t let our child smoke weed here, and hitting adults won’t be on. We hope that stopping the weed stops the hitting, and going to the gp is what responsible people do to look after their health, be it mental or physical. I know weed seems innocuous, but its longer term effects seriously impact lives, especially with men, and we want more than that for you. Do you want to think about it for a week and let us know if you’d like to stay? We can make the gp appt together.

Would you tell him to leave if he was your own son. I think the answer will be no so unless someone is genuinely in danger you absolutely should not kick him out. Your partner is all he has by the sound of it

Next time you hit someone we'll be calling the police!
Get some help or...

This man has been in this child's life since aged 2?? He saw him as his own? That makes a parent.

And being with a man who has such a responsibility means you then become the step mum.

There's another thread running where a woman says clearly that she doesn't date men who have kids. This is the solution - a man who comes with kids means that they become your family.

Feel so bad for this young man. When your child goes off the rails, they don't stop becoming your child.

Are you really that naive?

What a lovely person you are. Tell him that you agree to him staying but only if he seeks help. He needs to be put on the right track

That’s unfair. This boy has been living since he was 7 with someone who doesn’t want him, his parents are dead and he wasn’t allowed to see his stepfather. Where’s his primary attachment? Having one person they can speak to about their problems and who looks out for them is known to be important in a child’s development. This boy didn’t have that.

It’s only been three weeks.

Can you and DH set some targets for him around stopping the weed?

He also needs to understand that violence is completely unacceptable. Has he had any counselling?

Be very, very careful having a violent unrelated male around your daughter. Does your boyfriend enhance your life? Is this relationship serving you and making life fun and easier? If not, reconsider.

He needs to agree to try other ways to sleep better. If he won't agree to that he needs to leave. What if he goes on to say he needs hard drugs to sleep? OK lad just don't let dc get the needles..? Of course not. Weed ime causes for a bloody nasty man further down the line. Can you go stay with family so do knows you are serious? Say you will be home when he has gone or seen a GP for proper medication
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