To ask how people become good at staying neutral and mysterious in social situations?

[ThatDeepFox]

I find it hard to keep my opinions or emotions in check and often feel like I’m too open with people. I’d love tips on how to master the art of being more reserved and keeping an air of mystery.

Keep your gob shut

Practice biting your tongue? 😂

Don’t be too opinionated, rather than share that you don’t like something - share that you like something else ‘I actually prefer xyz’

ask questions and don’t fill like YOU need to fill a silent moment

Feel* 🙈

Ask lots of questions, answer in an open but brief fashion when you are asked a question but only what you’re asked and smile ☺️

You have to be comfortable with silence. If you're scared of it and always trying to plug any gaps you won't learn this art.

Let the other person speak. Ask the questions and do the listening instead.

I'm often described as reserved and have been since school.

The truth is I'm just extremely shy and not confident IRL. So I don't say much.

My way to engage with other people is to be an attentive listener. So I guess the combination of being a good listener and not much of a talker is what gives people that impression?

If it makes you feel better, I find confident and extroverted people engaging and reassuring, and it's such a relief to be in a group setting with such people. The intense pressure I feel in social situations is genuinely off putting. I'm not charming or a conversationalist. It makes pretty normal tasks like greeting people in new situations feel excruciating. I'm lucky people tend to think I'm nice and want to engage, otherwise I would be very lonely.

Feel lucky you are in a position to be a confident speaker and good contributor!

This, try to answer questions with generalisations rather than specifics.
So " yes my son is at University" rather than " he is in 3rd year of PPE at Bristol".

"I am a Londoner " rather than " I grew up in Southfields".

Oh and I always offer opinions in a measured manner even of the topic or conversation is heated or controversial.

That's something that has taken active practice. You have to be willing to see the other side of things. It sounds like a different subject but opinionated-ness is related to what you're discussing here.

Oh I love someone with opinions, far more interesting than folk without any

Perhaps you could compare notes with this person

To wonder if it’s bad that people tell me I’m a ‘closed book’ because I don’t like talking about personal or family matters?

Oh. Wait...

When someone offers an unusual opinion you can say " that's interesting why is it you feel or think that way?"

Or " really, I hadn't considered it like that".

Try to listen more and talk less. Ask questions about the other person and what they are saying rather than talking about yourself.

Yeah, I'm one of them.
You wouldn't know I'm there. I'm quiet and demure. I have always kept a low profile.
Even my aeroplane only has my name in smallish letters, not bigly ones. And then there's my 58 storey tower on Chicago, you would hardly know it's mine. It's called Trump Tower, by the way.

You can be feisty without being fighty... I don't like neutral and mysterious, it's too much work. I like Jo March and Elizabeth Bennet.

Practice.

Because it is not all about me and who is to say my thoughts or opinions are right anyway

Listen twice as much as you speak. That's why you have two ears and only one mouth

I think it depends on the context as to whether it really is a problem. Someone was explaining something to me in more of a professional (education) context recently and kind of ran away with themselves and to be honest, it was refreshing and interesting!
I tend to over share myself. I sometimes remind myself what facts/issues are off limits and I want to avoid sharing. Either periodically or going into certain situations.

I also agree with someone above re keeping to a high level and then going deeper/asking a question. I’ve mastered this better at work than in my personal life :)

Reading with interest as I would also like to become the beautiful mysterious stranger

ask questions and don’t fill like YOU need to fill a silent moment

This. A lot of people feel it’s their job to fill gaps in conversation. There’s a strength in not feeling it’s always your job to talk.

Be impartial and respectful when polarising topics, which you know people tend to take an either/or position on, come up.

At least to start with, while you listen and consider how you want to contribute to the discussion (with your true opinion or otherwise).

Unless you're incredibly beautiful its highly doubtful you're going to be labelled 'mysterious' whatever you do. Most of us will be seen as either chatty or quiet, with extremes ends of the two being over sharer/conversation dominator or dull. If I were you I'd lower your aspirations to being 'good company' which basically means being a good responsive listener that makes the odd encouraging comment to keep the conversation going or when you've something interesting or insightful to (briefly) add.

Don't drink alcohol