Can any wise mumsnetters help me navigate these awful feelings following this news?

[BeM1]

A few months ago my sister found out she was having a girl. She is due in the next few weeks. I’ve had really complicated feelings about this and thought they would go away but they’ve got worse as time has gone on and I really need to stop all this spiralling in my head.

My sister is in a long term relationship and already has a boy age nearly 3. I have a boy age nearly 3 too, but my relationship broke down almost immediately after the birth so whilst I do co parent with my ex, it is all on my 90% of the time.

I am five years older than my sister (I’ll be 38 next year). I always wanted a large family and particularly wanted a girl. I am besotted with my little boy and so very grateful to have him and these feelings around having a girl have only come up since I found out about my sister having a girl a few months ago.

I just feel… horrible. I know it’s awful. I should be over the moon and focusing on my sister and my new niece. I should be happy about it. I don’t exactly feel jealous… just sad I guess that I would be very very unlikely to have that now. I keep imagining her and her daughter being really close, as they say ‘a daughter is a daughter for life but a son is a son until he finds a wife…’ and it makes me feel left out I guess. I am jealous she gets a busy household and two children and now she has a girl too. I would love it. It feels unfair even though I know that’s such a nasty way for me to think. I keep thinking of her having this close bond with her daughter all her life as she grows old while my son eventually moves on and meets someone and I barely hear from him. I also know when a woman has a baby she is usually involving her mum rather than her in laws so I won’t be as part of all that if my son was to have a child. I know I have to accept all these things for what they are and just be the best mum I can be but this has really affected me and I just want to deal with it better.

Please be kind, I know these feelings aren’t great and I am trying to navigate them.

You can't help how you feel about this OP and you just need to allow yourself to have those feelings.
It's probably wouldn't be wise to tell your sister how deep they go but there really is no harm in letting her know you feel a little envious because it's something you may never have but if you have a good relationship, she will understand and empathise.
I am sure when you have had more time to process it and get used to the idea, you will feel less upset about it and start looking forward to another cousin for your DS.

Your son might not get married or even have a female partner so the old son is a son saying isn't even a given.

Your niece might not be a girly girl if you have ideas of ballet, pinkness and pamper days. Is that what this is about?

Your sister might have a better adult relationship with her son than with her daughter. It happens much more often than these threads would have you believe.

Your niece could grow up and move away from your sisters location.

All sorts of variables and unknowns to come.

Focus on the blessing you already have.

@Fizzadora thanks. I definitely won’t tell my sister, she is mid house move and her due date is in two weeks too. I really thought I would have felt differently by now.

Oh goodness… you cannot help the way you feel and in a way this is confronting you and causing you to grieve for the perceived life you thought you would have - that’s a really difficult thing to deal with so don’t beat yourself up! Grief takes time to heal from, give yourself some grace to make peace with this news, because you will, you won’t feel this way forever!

Next, gently, you need to stop living your life by what you THINK will happen and why what societal norms tell you what is ‘normal’. There is no guarantee your sister and her daughter will have the Gilmore Girls mother daughter relationship you envision. There is also NO guarantee that you won’t always have a loving relationship with your son, this ‘you lose them to a wife’ is such fear mongering nonsense, don’t let it get into your head. I love my MIL, I have an excellent relationship with her, as does my husband, she sees our son all the time and is a huge part of our family - that outcome is just as likely for you so stop torturing yourself with ‘what ifs’ which may never come to fruition and are decades away! Have you ever considered counselling? I say this as someone who benefits hugely from it - I think it would be good for you to have someone who validates how you feel, but also reassures you and helps you learn strategies to stop borrowing on your worries so much. It’s so hard, I do understand that. Please don’t be so hard on yourself x

Don’t underestimate how close you can be as an Auntie

@SunshinePlease24 thanks for this perspective! I definitely have gone down a rabbit hole of her having this perfect relationship where she has a friend for life which, according to the general consensus, I won’t have with a boy!

And yes I think it’s largely the feeling that it’s a girls club sort of thing that I just won’t have

@Username19832756 thank you this is so nice to hear. I am definitely imagining things over and over which is making it all worse. It does feel like grief in a strange way.

I think you are probably grieving the life you thought you would have and I think you are judging yourself for it, which won't help. It feels like unprocessed feelings. The fact you are acknowledging them is a start. Would it help to talk to someone?

I know you know logically that your imagined future (daughter turns to mum) isn't necessarily true, plenty of daughters don'. But...feelings always trump logic. What might a new equly good future look like? What opportunities could you have now that you might not have had with more than one child?

@Perplexed20 thanks. I think this is part of the problem… I actually can’t think of a positive spin to not having had the life I hoped for. I need to work on that. Everyone seems to say one child is the same as two and may as well have two etc !

I think it's totally normal to mourn the family unit you couldn't have. You don't need to be so hard on yourself x

I think you are playing too much into gender stereotypes with the other thoughts. It certainly not guaranteed that things would play out that way with an adult daughter, or that your son will abandon you for his wife's family. It certainly isn't the case in my marriage.

You may not have a daughter but you will have a little niece who would certainly benefit from your love and attention and who will love her aunty back!

Don't be ashamed of your feelings. Sometimes we want and don't have what others do. I lost my mum when i was very young and felt intense sadness at what i was missing and still do.There's no shame in it. You just have to find a way to live around it. Focus on the child you have and your neice to come. Both can bring you joy. Maybe not the perfect life you want, but a lot of happiness all the same.

I think it’s important to not imagine a “fantasy” life with a daughter - imagining a close mother-daughter bond for life etc. I have two daughters and we aren’t particularly close, though we are always in contact and do things together. I don’t know anything about their lives in any meaningful sense - they’re in their mid-late 20s. My sister has sons of the same age, and they are all very close, even though the sons are married.

I’m a mum of sons- very happy with how it’s turned out! There’s no guarantee that you’d have school who wants to do traditional female things anyway.

I am also blessed with two nieces and four goddaughters . I take my DB’s DD now 12 out for her birthday each year - that gives me great pleasure.

a daughter - not a school!!

Look forward to being the Cool Auntie that your niece will confide in.

@Maray1967 this made me laugh so much. Thank you for your post too

I'm not at all close to my mother, but I am very close to my 14 year old son, he talks to me about everything and while I know he will want to distance at some point, I am pretty confident we will always be close.

Ahh I voted YANBU as you aren't unreasonable to feel as you do, I'm so sorry it's hard but hopefully it will ease after the baby is born and you get lots of cuddles. Concentrate on your lovely boy and enjoy being an auntie, I am very close with my niece and it is a lovely relationship to have. Good luck

A few counselling sessions would probably really help you op. It's completely fine to have complicated feelings and you should pay attention and explore them not tell yourself it's wrong to have them. Others have given you great advice about being a great auntie. I'm sure you'll find a way to be very happy at the addition of a little girl to your life, even if it's not in the way you'd imagined.

I can totally understand the grief about not being able to have the life you thought that you would have. I wanted a large family and lost 3 babies before getting to keep one. No others since. I am one of 5 and the rest of us are VERY fertile. My sister has 2 girls with 17 months between them and she was worried about how I would feel about that. By that point I had reached acceptance anyway and was just so relieved that I got to keep 1 of my babies. I get occasional pangs of sadness that she won't grow up with the amazing relationship I have with my siblings but I also recognise that that is now a given. I know plenty of siblings who hate each other. I am actually so sad as my sister is so stressed juggling the needs of her girls with work and a long commute that she is not enjoying motherhood. She loves her girls but is permanently miserable. One the other hand I have so much time for my girl and we go on great adventures and I am loving it. It was hard when I was dealing with miscarriages 1 and 2 and my sil was carrying her second child who would have been just 3 months older than my first, but now I wouldn't change anything as I probably wouldn't have my girl if things hadn't turned out the way they did. Give it time and the raw feelings will ease and you will find the joy in your own life.

As many have said, gender is no guarantee of closeness or behaviour. My darling daughter is an adventurer through and through. Her only requirements for clothes are that they protect her body from the rigours of her tree climbing, mud wallowing wild existence. Although sparkles, unicorns, stitch or dinosaurs are the icing on the cake for them.

Just wanted to say that my DF was an only child and very close to his parents. We saw a lot more of my paternal grandparents than maternal and they lived near enough the same distance from us.

Don't assume daughters will stay close and sons won't.

Which may or may not help you feel better, but accept how you feel and don't beat yourself up about it. You're feeling the loss of the future that you dreamed of, and that's ok.

That old saying is rubbish. I was the dingle mum of a son and we couldn't be closer he is 42 and married. We speak everyday and they are moving to be closer to me. It all depends how you bring them up.

Your son might not get married or even have a female partner so the old son is a son saying isn't even a given.

I've always thought that that saying was made up by new wives who want to separate their man from his family and are jealous of his relationship with his blood family. Encourage your sons to not allow themselves to be bullied this way!

Good God op calm down, your worrying so much about the future. You have no idea what's going to happen.
Live in the present that's all we have.
Amazed your getting worked up about things that may or may not happen.
Enjoy the now.

The closest (sometimes unhealthily so) relationships I've seen have been single mum, one son.