Can any wise mumsnetters help me navigate these awful feelings following this news?

[BeM1]

A few months ago my sister found out she was having a girl. She is due in the next few weeks. I’ve had really complicated feelings about this and thought they would go away but they’ve got worse as time has gone on and I really need to stop all this spiralling in my head.

My sister is in a long term relationship and already has a boy age nearly 3. I have a boy age nearly 3 too, but my relationship broke down almost immediately after the birth so whilst I do co parent with my ex, it is all on my 90% of the time.

I am five years older than my sister (I’ll be 38 next year). I always wanted a large family and particularly wanted a girl. I am besotted with my little boy and so very grateful to have him and these feelings around having a girl have only come up since I found out about my sister having a girl a few months ago.

I just feel… horrible. I know it’s awful. I should be over the moon and focusing on my sister and my new niece. I should be happy about it. I don’t exactly feel jealous… just sad I guess that I would be very very unlikely to have that now. I keep imagining her and her daughter being really close, as they say ‘a daughter is a daughter for life but a son is a son until he finds a wife…’ and it makes me feel left out I guess. I am jealous she gets a busy household and two children and now she has a girl too. I would love it. It feels unfair even though I know that’s such a nasty way for me to think. I keep thinking of her having this close bond with her daughter all her life as she grows old while my son eventually moves on and meets someone and I barely hear from him. I also know when a woman has a baby she is usually involving her mum rather than her in laws so I won’t be as part of all that if my son was to have a child. I know I have to accept all these things for what they are and just be the best mum I can be but this has really affected me and I just want to deal with it better.

Please be kind, I know these feelings aren’t great and I am trying to navigate them.

It dosent depend how you bring them up, it depends on their personalities.
Your somehow implying that boys who aren't close to their mums aren't bought up properly.
There are lots of things at play as to why a child might not be close to parents.

My mum and grandmother were super close.
Having one of each I thought I'd be the same. ... and my son would be away.
Nope
Though My adult son moved out almost 10 years ago. We're really close and talk (on the phone ) 3 or 4 times a week.
Not seen my daughter for years .....

Not sure why you think your [child-bearing] life is over at 37, just because you aren't currently in a relationship? Seems like there is still a decent amount of time to try for both the relationship and the DD.

I have 2 sons who I absolutely adore. I also have a niece who loves "girly" things. We have played with Barbies, made bracelets, I have done her hair for special occasions or just because, we have been to Disney (with both families) and we queued for hours to meet the princesses. She's older now and loves to chat, shop and come for fancy iced frappes with me. Don't underestimate how special a aunt/niece relationship can be.

I also don't believe the mother/daughter narrative, I love my mum but neither myself or my sister are close to her, but both are incredibly close to our MILs.

Look for the positives of the relationships you are going to have going forward with your son, niece and nephew and all of their respective partners as they get older.

I think you are being unreasonable plotting out the life and relationships of this baby girl. Who knows what way life will go.

I think it's very understandable to be upset that you won't have the family you want. That must be very hard. You just need to acknowledge these feelings and keep them to yourself.

I spent many years being jealous of my sister, I never let it get in the way of our relationship but it was hard at times especially in our 20s when she just blossomed and i didn't. She was just better than me in almost every way. Better looking, more popular, better career etc etc. Now in our 40s that's all forgotten but I do understand, I often used to get so down after meeting her or talking on the phone.

You could be happily married and have 10 more kids - it doesn’t mean that any of them would be girls.

You need to let go of the idea of you not being able to have a girl because that’s not promised to anyone.

I would look at it that it’s just you and your son, which is a great relationship but you also have the added bonus of having a close nephew and niece which can be like siblings to your son and your kids but you don’t get any of the hard work :)

My DD is an only child and she isn’t spoilt but she does get more than her cousins tho aren’t only siblings.
They are very envious of her life.

It’s great for me because I can be the cool aunt to my nieces and nephews but don’t have any of the issues.

I read your post and feel the same about the fact that you can have children at all, as I am unable to. That's not me racing to the bottom but saying I get the not jealously but sad thing and that it's absolutely OK and normal to feel it.

Sometimes you just have to feel what you feel and then metaphorically kick yourself into accepting this how you feel, it's not anyone's fault and if there are ways to change it then do so and if not then concentrate on what you do have so as not to dwell on it.

Feel for you op - the war between head and heart is hardest battle of all!

On the one hand, you're really far too young to be feeling like this - you're only 38, who knows what the future will hold for you.

On the other hand, you're really far too old to be feeling like this - this is down to an unmet expectation (that you'd have a daughter one day) and your feelings are a consequence of that being a completely unreasonable expectation ever to have had. Think about it in practical and logical terms. Your feelings are within your control.

Also, all this stuff about daughters are for life blah blah are nonsense in the real world. That's not how things necessarily work, in reality. Give yourself a shake, and do it before the baby arrives. Her birth should be a time of unmitigated joy for all of you. I'm sure it will be when you hold her for the first time.

And get back out there!! You're too young to stay single, and you clearly still want more babies!

I think it's really brave that you've expressed these feelings and acknowledged them. I think it shows that you are a good person, actually, because it is making you uncomfortable to have them. All I would say is that you're basing these feelings on stereotypes that very often aren't the case. My husband is very close to his (lovely) mother. I'm close to her too. There are many women out there who don't get on with their mothers at all (a read of Mumsnet will confirm that) - I know you aren't wishing that on your sister, but it's just not a given. And you may very well have your own special relationship with your niece. Take one day at a time and notice the gratitude you feel for your son, while forgiving yourself for the feelings causing you shame. X

I get it OP I really understand. I think it’s valid to feel how you’re feeling. Did writing it down help? Would journaling help?

I think you need to get past the idea that you're guaranteed to have a better relationship with a child and that is the same sex as you.

I love my parents equally, but in all honesty, get on better with my Dad, due to similar personalities and more shared interests. My DH is similar, and he was closer to his mum (when she was still here).

OP - it’s hard not to have the family you want, but you do have time to meet a new partner and have another child if that’s what you want

Being an aunt is really great - so look forward to that

Your sister will know you well enough to know how you feel - don’t say anything now/in the early months as it’s difficult being a new mum

Hopefully the future will bring you what you want x

I don’t know if it helps, but my mother in law once said that rhyme to me and it made me feel really down because actually I like her and would have liked her to be more close. That being said we are reasonably close anyway, she txts me when she has interior design questions (which I love!) So I would say, maybe reframe this to yourself because you risk pushing away a future daughter in law. Who knows, you might even find you get a daughter via your son!

also I do sympathise with the wanting more children (so voted yanbu) but also if it helps, I found out today that our IVF didn’t work, so I’d also say maybe count your blessings? There are no children in our families and my siblings unlikely to have them. A niece is also wonderful 🩷

That saying is bullshit. Some mums and daughters are extremely close, some not at all and most somewhere in the middle. Exactly the same is true of mums and sons.

You can't help the way you feel. So in that respect they are not unreasonable because it's how you feel now. Accept and acknowledge these feelings, if you try to ignore them, they will hang around for longer, getting in the way.

But as others have said, you are projecting your feelings of "what might have been," on to an unborn baby, and nobody can tell what life she will lead or what her personality will be.

Feel blessed that you have a lovely son and look forward to a good relationship with your niece.

This Is terribly painful for you OP so be kind to yourself.
FWIW your idea of your sister and her daughter’s relationship is fantasy at the moment and in real life may turn out far more problematic than you imagine. Could you just wish them well and safe for now?

Begrudging a sibling having a child is just plain wrong and weird. Giving birth is a lottery, you should be praying for a safe birth and that any child she has is healthy and doesn't have any long term health issues. Your ego is out of control in this sibling rivalry you've manifested. Where you a spoiled princess as a child. Honestly

You’re getting far too far ahead of yourself and worrying about things that may not even happen. There’s a lot of life to be lived in the meantime. Focus on enjoying your boy and niece and nephew

@BeM1
I just want to say your are so brave for acknowledging and sharing these feelings you're having.
But it does get better and it will, you will find your peace with the situation one day, it might take a while but one day, you will.

What about you did you ever show the slightest sliver of compassion even as a child?

You can’t help how you feel.

you could go out and try and get knocked up asap. You …. Might have a girl… or a boy…. Or nothing.

you can be the cool auntie. You might be closer to your niece!

There's 12 years between my children so who knows what the future holds.
I was a single mum to my son and we are literally best friends. He tells me everything, all the gossip, we go out for dinner, we watch films, play games. We have an amazing relationship and he knows when he meets someone they'll be welcomed with open arms.

Ime the saying mummy's boy and daddy's girl are because mum and daughter relationships can be so fragile.

You can't help feeling like this and you obviously feel bad about it. It is very disappointing for you.
Plenty of mums and sons stay close and you might get a lovely daughter in law.
Also don't forget you can be very close to your niece. Did you have a favourite aunt? I did, we were very close and we liked spending time together. I saw her more often than one of her own daughters did.
Try to look at your new niece as a gift. I bet you'll fall in love with her!