Is it appropriate to tell school about bad behaviour at home?

[SilverDoe]

Or would they be surprised I would raise this and not interested?

Posting for traffic as I need some perspectives as quick as I can as I have requested a meeting tomorrow morning.

The context is, my son is almost 7 and suspected to have additional needs. A CAHMS referral has been made; school have provided a document outlining what they have noticed, but it's very much a lack of focus and ability to sit still and complete work. I just had his parents evening and was told he is brilliant in school in terms of rule following and being kind and careful with other kids.

At home however, I am really struggling with his behaviour. He lashes out, he is inflexible and we spend all of our energy managing his behaviour to ensure he is not actively hurting anyone, destroying things, or putting himself in danger. This comes and goes to some extent, we are now at a point where he has peaceful enough days, but a lot goes into this, and we still go through many mornings of him being extremely difficult to get ready and out of the door for school. We are almost always late and it is invariably because of DS (we have 2 other DC who get ready and out the door no problem).

I don't want to shame my DS so I would never say anything in front of him, but I feel like it is important for them to be aware of this, especially because of the difficulty getting him to school.

However, I have never experienced having to talk to school about any of my children's behaviour at school, and I'm not sure if it is appropriate. I'm not asking them to help me parent him, but I am wondering if there is any context to his refusal in the mornings that they may be able to help me identify, for example.

I just don't know how to go forward, it's very difficult and I am really keen to ensure he has whatever support in place he needs, and without being aware of how much he can struggle, I'm not sure if it will be done. On the other hand, he has some adjustments in place and they are helping him in school. I feel like a key issue is, from my limited experience but frequent reading, that he may be masking at school and then unable to cope once he is in his own safe environment. Like restraint collapse.

Grateful for any advice and sorry if I have left out any key information.

Oh this reminds me of our first parents meeting. We could hardly believe they were talking about our child. The quiet rule follower they saw was nothing like our daughter. We did say something, but did not emphasize the difference too heavily.

she was of course masking heavily at school.

keep pursuing that diagnosis. It takes time. It’s frustrating. It’s worth the effort. You know to parent the child you have, but it gives you a piece of paper that tells the rest of society to shut up and let you get on with it. Even if you never need services, that is invaluable.

I would say, we do as much as we possibly can at home, and he gets 1 to 1 support while the other parent deals with the other 2 children.

We have a very difficult housing situation which I have no doubt is exacerbating the situation, but right now we can't change this, however we have done our best to find a solution which involves us all staying with family over the weekends so he has time to not worry about it.

The reason I think it's school relayed is because he doesn't want to leave in the mornings, and his poor behaviour starts the moment he is out of sight of the gate.

We do everything we can to ensure he is comfortable at home, and evening meltdowns are now rare. The mornings are very difficult though and they only get worse as the term goes on. He has activities and his own space, his dad who is great with him looks after him on the evenings that I am not taking him to activities. If an activity no longer suits him it I dropped, so I am trying to find the right balance of structure and no pressure. He loves sensory play and we ensure he can do this.

Biggest problem at home is his little brother who wants to play with him. He just can't cope, it means me and his dad basically are ships in the night in the evenings. Don't really see each other on school nights.

a very difficult living situation is going to be difficult for him and also difficult for his parents, which will quite naturally result in no doubt a generally pretty unhappy
home life

i reckon he sees going to school as his “me time”.

I think when home situation and home life is happier.. you may well notice an improvement

Sorry I mean his poor behaviour starts the moment he is out of the school gate, as in after school as soon as he has been picked up. He then settles for the evening with much help. He can't be around his brother though, he will lash out and melt down. They can usually do a sensory play activity or some baking after an hour or so of being home, but then that can only go on for about 45 mins, then they need separating again.

Most days now, he is calm and happy in the evenings as we understand him a bit better. But it can be really hard if he does have a meltdown, and as said, the morning are just becoming a cluster fuck and sometimes it feels very "there but for the grace of God go I" that we even make it out the door altogether in the mornings. I feel I have little control over whether things will work. Strategies and routines can work great, and then suddenly not. We are in the "suddenly not" phase at the moment..

This is the problem I have though, we have moved mountains to take the stress off of him and ourselves. He is given so much time, attention and resource.

The home strain is that we were moved to a 2 bedroom flat due to some serious issues with our last property, which was great. The neighbour below us has MH issues and is awful to us, has been since we moved in. DS found the change awful and we all suffered. We've built up some resilience and coping strategies but at the end of the day, until we are able to move, this will still exist.

The school are aware of this.

It feels very outing writing all this, but it does actually really help to talk it through. I'm very new to the world of having a child with SEN.

Op

You are very unhappy in this home
His father is very unhappy in this home
There is hardly space to swing a cat for 4 people I imagine

Is there any change in the housing situation on the horizon? because once he has possibly more space and he can see his parents are less stressed…. i would be surprised if you don’t see positive changes

No, you are right. We try to make the best of it but it's heartbreaking how unsuitable this property is for our family and especially my son. There are actually 5 of us too so it's even worse.

Unfortunately, we are completely at the mercy or the council. I have no other options right now. Saving will take years. We are on the register but not very high priority and none of our concerns re suitability or the abuse we face from the neighbours has been taken into consideration. We have appealed and I am wishing and praying every day for a favourable outcome.

All my boy needs to be happy at home is any kind of outdoor space and a floor to walk on that is not the ceiling of somebody who hates him. I know it would make all the in the world and it breaks my heart we can't provide it for him.

This and they have to put all their energy into completing at school and have no reserves by home time.

Just don't let this be made out to be a home problem. They need to be making reasonable adjustments in school so he's managing not just coping.

Definitely mention it
The more understanding they have of him - whether from inside or outside of school - the better. Especially as it sounds like he's masking at school.
They will definitely be interested in the 'whole person', not just the schoolboy, as it all builds a picture of who he is and what is going on for him. Plus, they'll want to support.

It's an absolutely classic behaviour pattern for a ND child who's burned out from trying their best in school.

If it's any consolation, DS would come out of school ready to explode without any aggravating factors such as difficult housing. I sought assessment following the 4 hour raging meltdown triggered by me asking if he'd changed his reading book.

School sound supportive and on the ball. While home and school behaviour may differ, they are all pieces of the same puzzle.

Discuss it with the school. In our case it was discussing the behavioural issues at home that led to the school making a referral for assessment for autism. But even without that it was useful for them to know the issues as they did a lot of work around wellbeing and emotional regulation with him once they realised the extent of his masking in school.

Having to move house is always difficult for a child who is ND and having a horrible neighbour is super stressful for everyone. You are doing everything you can at the moment. I understand that it's hard to get everything right and their needs aren't a static thing. There's always things that are going to tip them over the edge and then there's the unexpected stressors that might be ok one day but really not the next. Having other children who also need to be considered adds to it all but it sounds like between both of you, you've been working together brilliantly. It does get easier, as they become more self aware and you are able to work with school on adapting the environment for them. Keep on doing the best you can and try not to neglect your needs too. If you can build up a bit of support structure, be it friends or family who can have him for play dates, be a listening ear or take turns with your partner to have a bit of "you time", even if it's just an extra hour of sleep or quarter of an hour to read a book or have a coffee uninterrupted it can help.

You have pretty much described my daughter 6 years ago aged 9. To me it sounds like he’s masking and that is building up throughout the day and causing meltdowns at home.
if he’s struggling in a morning that could suggest there’s something going at school he is finding challenging but isn’t able to verbalise what it is.
definitely speak to school so they are aware as it will be important going forward to have a good line of communication open with them. They may also be able to offer support. My daughters school saw few issues in school but when I approached they did start an early help and looked at organisations that could help us. This will be important if you later require ehcp or other more extensive support

I would definitely tell them OP. They need a rounded picture of how your child behaves at school and at home. My nephew is opposite of your son - mainly ok at home but complete meltdowns and violence at school when something triggers him - he's waiting for assessment for ADHD/sensory processing disorder. He's just turned 8. He's been excluded 3 times now. Twice in year 2 and once already at his new school in year 3. If something triggers your DS at sch you need to warn them about explosive outbursts so they are prepared etc. It's only fair on the school staff really.

Sounds like a good idea to talk to the school but you might want to think a bit further about the purpose of the meeting.

“I'm not asking them to help me parent him, but I am wondering if there is any context to his refusal in the mornings that they may be able to help me identify, for example.”

The example you give here is to help you parent him. And that’s not a bad thing! You work in partnership with the school to get your child to school and able to learn in class. But you might also want to give them information/context which could help the SEN assessment: the sharing should flow both ways.

Who is your meeting with? I’d recommend the class teacher (who knows your child most at school) and also the SENCo (who might recognise traits and behaviours you describe and have suggestions for you and the teacher). Unfortunately, CAMHS applications can take a long time to process, so best bet advice in the meantime could really help. Remember the class teacher isn’t an expert in SEN necessarily and so you bringing them together could be helpful for everyone.

Definitely let school know. Have you also spoken to a GP to see if you can start any referrals? Schools can do so much but I would also try and get something in place yourselves

You are describing a child that is able to do what is required of him at school but that takes huge effort. This is called masking and it can be exhausting for the person who masks.

When he gets home, he lets go and is his normal self, but he is worn out and probably very anxious from keeping his mask in place. He doesn't want to be bothered with fitting in anymore and probably for a time, doesn't want to interact with other people.

As others have said, tell those who are trying to help, everything. They need the fullest possible picture of your child.

If you want some ideas about how to try to handle him at home, so your house does not become a chaotic zoo, as mine did at times, please ask.

Yes tell them. He's probably masking in school and taking out his frustrations and sensory needs at home.
School may be able to help with sensory and movement breaks etc so he's not all built up full of tension by end of day.

It’s at about age 9 that my son started to fall apart at home because of the increase of work/expectation at school when heading into year 5.
We had always suspected some sort of neurodiversity but teachers had just said he was ‘quirky’ up to that point.
The keeping it together all day at school, behaving as expected etc meant he was becoming absolutely awful at home, breaking things, throwing things and lashing out.
It was all getting out of hand and his siblings especially bore the brunt of it.
Because waiting lists are so long we paid to have him assessed privately and the consultant said he’s quite a complicated person. Many of the tasks they test them on are 1:1 so he did score pretty low on the scale as thrives in that sort of environment however they did note sensory seeking behaviours, some oddities within his speech (quite old fashioned way of speaking) and he is very easily distracted and he was all over the place when doing the adhd test
They diagnosed autism and gave us loads of advise which has helped with day to day life.
School needs to be aware of how your child is behaving at home, because many times children mask so much at school but fall apart at home as it’s their safe place with their safe people.
They can also put things in place during the day that may help release emotion so it’s not all stored up for home ie 5 min fresh air break after a difficult task etc

Had to reply to this as this was pretty much our situation 2 years ago. Please please speak to your housing officer and any counsellors you can get hold of. Insist on a meeting and explain - in detail - the effect this is having in your kids. We had a very serious situation with different neighbours in social housing at our last place and having spectrummy kids in the mix makes everything so much worse. We eventually negotiated a return to the housing list and although we had to wait a year we did eventually get rehoused and the difference it’s made to all of us has been incredible. My kiddo is much happier and more secure now, and is much happier at school again too.

Thank you so much, your post put tears in my eyes to be honest. It has been an incredibly difficult year and I can feel so lost in it all.

But you are right, bit by bit we are figuring little things out that can make it easier.

The housing situation is by far the biggest hurdle I think. But involving his school and informing them of his behaviour so they can support him is something I actually have control over.

Thank you so much for posting.

It is so hard to find any accounts or cases of this online.

I have don't have much hope, but I am so glad to hear you managed to get somewhere. It really does make a huge different doesn't it, to have a suitable home for children like ours (and any child!)

The problem I have is that I was in a really low point at the time I needed to submit my appeal. I was really exhausted emotionally and practically inundated too. I don't think I've given it my all; I might try and contact some people again and see what I can do. Thank you for giving me some hope and putting the fire under me again so I have the impetus to get moving with it!

Yes this is how we got trapped in a terrible housing situation too. If you have a child with additional needs of any sort & you are in a critical and stressful situation, you are very unlikely to be thinking straight - or even be very awake - when navigating the endless bureaucracy of social housing.

If you raise your concerns with the school this will help you build the picture with the housing people too.

So this was my daughter in primary school. Unfortunately though they didn’t see any issues at all in school other than one around toileting. We had a referral in to cahms for help with that but they decided to go down the assessment route for ASD as their initial assessment threw up some traits. I had noticed them but hadn’t twigged as I work with autistic kids and have been told I over analyse other people sometimes. So when the school were told about the assessment they basically accused me of making it up and of fabricated induced illness. The cahms observation in school didn’t show anything up other than someone who was well behaved, followed rules, worked to aged related objectives and above etc. She was assessed in a group OT session a few times to outside of school and they picked up some definite traits but ultimately there was a lack of evidence from the school’s point of view. At home we were having alsorts of issues so I documented these. We were initially discharged with no diagnosis and left to it. A year later we were referred back as the unusual behaviour/phobia of toilets was causing medical issues and the GP thought CBT would help. Went back to cahms who asked after an hour why doesn’t she have an ASD diagnosis. It’s obvious. Went thought the whole process again however due to lack of evidence at school the psych nurse came to over e at home a few times to talk to me about all my own evidence I had built up and to observe my child in the home. Eventually she 10 just before turning 11 we got the diagnosis.

I would share your experiences from home with your teacher. If they’ve made a referral then they are obviously noticing someone. It is worth keeping a diary at home of behaviours and a note as to what lessons they have at school each day as well. You might see a pattern linked to school timetable and behaviour at home. It might be that they are totally overwhelmed at school but keep it in the explode at home. Look up the fizzy drink analysis of masking. It can be little things that build up over time. Being late on a morning might actually be the first trigger as getting to class and missing something might trigger more anxiety. Then just little things like being hungry, pencil not being sharp enough, struggling with a task, friend saying something nasty, classroom being noisy, last minute change of plan from teacher. Loads of little things can build up.

It’s really hard but as much evidence as you can build up help. If school can support then that’s great too. There might be things even they don’t spot.

Of course tell them. The more they know about what’s going on with him, the better placed they are to be able to help him.
Good luck! x