Is it appropriate to tell school about bad behaviour at home?

[SilverDoe]

Or would they be surprised I would raise this and not interested?

Posting for traffic as I need some perspectives as quick as I can as I have requested a meeting tomorrow morning.

The context is, my son is almost 7 and suspected to have additional needs. A CAHMS referral has been made; school have provided a document outlining what they have noticed, but it's very much a lack of focus and ability to sit still and complete work. I just had his parents evening and was told he is brilliant in school in terms of rule following and being kind and careful with other kids.

At home however, I am really struggling with his behaviour. He lashes out, he is inflexible and we spend all of our energy managing his behaviour to ensure he is not actively hurting anyone, destroying things, or putting himself in danger. This comes and goes to some extent, we are now at a point where he has peaceful enough days, but a lot goes into this, and we still go through many mornings of him being extremely difficult to get ready and out of the door for school. We are almost always late and it is invariably because of DS (we have 2 other DC who get ready and out the door no problem).

I don't want to shame my DS so I would never say anything in front of him, but I feel like it is important for them to be aware of this, especially because of the difficulty getting him to school.

However, I have never experienced having to talk to school about any of my children's behaviour at school, and I'm not sure if it is appropriate. I'm not asking them to help me parent him, but I am wondering if there is any context to his refusal in the mornings that they may be able to help me identify, for example.

I just don't know how to go forward, it's very difficult and I am really keen to ensure he has whatever support in place he needs, and without being aware of how much he can struggle, I'm not sure if it will be done. On the other hand, he has some adjustments in place and they are helping him in school. I feel like a key issue is, from my limited experience but frequent reading, that he may be masking at school and then unable to cope once he is in his own safe environment. Like restraint collapse.

Grateful for any advice and sorry if I have left out any key information.

Yes tell them

parents evening would have been ideal opp
now that’s passed, ask for a 5 min chat with his teacher
a good teacher will want to know and may be able to help

if the school made the referral
I would be very surprised if they don’t assume difficulties in behaviour at home

Thanks yes, he was so excited and proud to show me his work, I just couldn't bear to bring him up, he deals enough with doing the wrong things and having to be told off, I just wanted him to have his moment, but I have arranged a separate meeting with his teacher to discuss this.

Definitely tell them. It’s gathering extra evidence which should all be taken into consideration.

parents evening is with the child at primary?!

Yes tell them. Providing a full picture is important. It is not unusual at all for SEND children to be well behaved at school and a challenge at home as home is their safe place and that's where they let all their frustrations out

I was a SENCO at a primary school and I welcomed parents who had children with SEN letting me know if they felt that their children were masking in school. I was then able to put into place strategies or resources that reduced anxiety in school. If the school already has strategies in place, it sounds like that they would be open to talking to you.

I'm a primary teacher. I have noissie at all with parents sharing behaviour issues at home with me if they're asking for advice or want to know if I've seen similar.

I'm not interested if they expect me to do their parenting for them. Eg parents who've expected me to 'punish' their child at school for misdemeanours at home or expected me to 'have a word with them' when the issue is clearly a parenting one.

Nowadays, we're there for the whole family.

I agree - tell them, even if they don’t see that behaviour. Surely any primary teacher should be aware that children can and do mask in school?

From my understanding, behavioural issues need to be present in more than one setting or diagnosis of at least some SEN, so sharing that information may be useful.

So the situation is, they have raised that they have noticed (after me asking if there was any noticeable behaviour at school) a certain group of behaviours, but these don't relate to the behaviours that we are experiencing at home.

I am always told that he is a kind and gentle child at school, which is absolutely brilliant and I am very proud of him.

But I feel like school is taking an awful lot out of him, and we (and his siblings) are bearing the brunt of this. He is only a little boy, but his meltdowns can be horrific and destructive, so getting to school in the mornings while avoiding triggering him is becoming more and more difficult.

I am so relieved to hear he is so kind at school, as I unfortunately only see the other side of him and so get quite worried.

I would talk to the SENCO

i thought you had told the school about his behaviour at home and they responded very effectively? (I was on your other thread)

Thanks this is really useful to know. I have only been made the referral so haven't been able to speak to CAMHS yet, but school have done our LA's official form and I have written a list of behaviours I have noted. I understand the process can be long though.

I was very vague; I sent a message to the pastoral worker who is brilliant, but I didn't really describe anything in detail. I asked if they had noticed anything at school as I was finding his behaviour difficult to manage, but I wasn't very specific.

I wondered if as I had already communicated this to them and they had been so proactive in helping him at school with the behaviours they have noticed, if I should leave it at that, or if I should be more specific and mention how we are struggling at home with the aggression and meltdowns. That's what I'm stuck on at the moment.

Thank you this is really helpful and what I was thinking. If they know there's issues at home then perhaps they might be able to help with measures at school which might allow him to mask less and be on a more even keel.

I definitely don't want to come across that I'm just moaning, I just want him to be doing well.

My DC's school have been really good. I raised a question over the summer (as it had been on my mind that he would struggle more and more the further up the year groups he got), about whether they had noticed any issues at school, as at home it was becoming clearer and clearer there was something going on and he has become increasingly difficult to manage. Within a week of year 2, they have sent me a FACT assessment and advised I can take it to the GP, which I did, and they have made a referral to CAMHS.

They responded very effectively before so definitely approach again

Sounds a good school

Yep we had similar in that my child's explosive behaviours were at home, but made worse by school. Definitely speak to them. You won't be the first or the last.

Yes absolutely, it's a classic sign of a child who masks in school then lets it all out at home.

Yes they have been so good, I'm very grateful, he was very excited to go and show me his books which shows me how they are really engaging with him and making him feel good about himself. They also mentioned some extra measures today that they have put in place to help him.

But the behaviours they have noticed are different to the home struggles,- they are dealing with lack of focus, lack of concentration and physically not being still or calm. I am dealing with outbursts, lashing out, hitting, rudeness and meltdowns. I'm just mentioning this to clarify why I am posting again really, and why I'm not sure whether to approach.

But the answers have been really reassuring and I will find a way to word what I want to bring up while making it clear I'm just interested in the possibility of there being any collaborative measures we can take between us to help him. I mean they must obviously notice we are late most days so they probably figure something is going on!

It sounds like ADHD

Yes we are thinking ADHD, I need to understand more about it though as I'm not sure if it's typical of ADHD to have as many sensory seeking behaviours as DS has.

I'm quite ignorant really, I've spent a lot of time in the past googling individual behaviours and strategies, now I need to take the time to learn about ADHD as a whole.

What is home life like?

I ask because it could be that if home life is tense and unstable, he relishes the relative calm of school and so behaves much better because happier?

100 percent make a separate appointment with the Senco at school and let them know what he's like at home. I'm a mum of two now grown up ND kids and it's important that any education plan is put in place with the full knowledge of the needs of your child. Our daughter was and still is able to "hold it together" through the school day and would fall apart at home. They can be exhausted or feel safer to express themselves at home. Although it's difficult, it's worth gently asking him about the things he finds difficult at school. To try to get as many of them adapted and help him to come up with better ways of releasing his pent up emotions. Don't be surprised if he's not able to say what it is though, often he might not know and just feel "wrong".

There can be many reasons why he's feeling the way he is and there's other things that can make a big difference, not just extra help with learning. For example our daughter struggled with becoming over stimulated with noise, so working in a quiet place or wearing noise reducing earbuds has helped her enormously. She had a major anxiety about being asked questions in class, but was ok if the teacher could warn her by saying "I'm going to ask you to solve an equation in a few minutes" and then carried on before coming back to her.
Our son had difficulty in remembering to remember things he had to do, especially if it needed to talk to a teacher. So he had a long strip of paper with notes about the day in order on it and each time he'd done something, he'd rip that bit off the strip and then look to see what he needed to do next. He had difficulty in hearing, so by being assigned a seat at the front of the class, he was close enough to lipread.

You need to be careful to always be available to talk and then advocate for them and never have the mindset that there is something wrong with them. They just experience the world differently and there's many strengths in being ND.