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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I over reacted?

35 replies

TwinMamaTee · 17/10/2024 13:14

To set the scene, I'm going through a lot at the moment anyway, so probably a bit more emotional than normal.

I've been seeing someone for about a month so it's early days. However, it feels like we've known each other for a long time. The connection is intense. We get along great. Ect. We haven't actually slept together yet so it's not a connection based on that.

A couple of times now, we were supposed to see each other but he's essentially cancelled due to things coming up.

Yesterday he was supposed to come round, but he didn't. He didn't cancel, just said he was busy sorting out something, so I asked if that meant he was too busy, and he said ye but he'd come today instead.
I told him to forget it, I was getting sick of being let down, not to bother anymore. You get the idea.
He's acted shocked like he can't see why I'm upset. I've explained that I don't feel like a priority to him at all (and I don't mean I expect to see him daily ect, just that when we make a plan, he sticks to it, and that he makes time for me at least once or twice a week, there's no real reason why he doesn't have that time).
He says all the right things, when we are together it's great. And the thing that cropped up last night could have waited until he'd seen me.
It's more the fact that he didn't even tell me 'sorry, this has happened and I need to sort it, so can we rearrange for tomorrow '. I'd have been more understanding.

As I say, it's early days so on that point I totally understand he doesn't need to shift his life around for me, but the relationship has got intense very fast and he says how I'm so important and how I brighten up his life ect. We're both in our 30s, so not our first relationship, but both have a bit of baggage to carry as well.

I know you lot will be honest (please be kind though). Have I over reacted, or am I OK to be upset at him flaking on me?

I'm worried he's playing me in some way and I'm being stupid, or that I'm being an emotional idiot and spoiling something here.

OP posts:
username3678 · 17/10/2024 13:20

He's not that into you and you're right to finish it.

Opentooffers · 17/10/2024 13:25

It's usually a bad sign to be having intense feelings after only a month and before sex has occured. If someone thinks nothing of cancelling a few times in the early days when they should be at their best, it begs the question what they will be like when the novelty has worn off. You probably did the right thing although it sounds like you were a tad stroppy in dealing with it. A slow fade might have been easier, just making your own excuses not to see him - but maybe this is what he was doing to you.
On the day cancellations within hours of meeting up, should not be tolerated generally. Next!

Ablondiebutagoody · 17/10/2024 13:27

Both of you sound very OTT after only a month of dating but my guess would be he's been telling you what you want to hear in order to shag you and is now getting bored due to the lack of shagging.

Chillisintheair · 17/10/2024 13:27

What came up? Suddenly hospitalised parent? Ill child or some kind of problem with his child?

ParliamentofBadgers · 17/10/2024 13:28

It’s not working for you, so you’re not being unreasonable. Although you have an “intense connection”, it doesn’t sound like he’s particularly feeling it either.

Tiredandneedtogotobed · 17/10/2024 13:30

Don’t worry about raising the bar! It may take you longer to find someone but you will. You deserve someone who feels excited/wants to meet up with you!
obviously a sudden emergency is different. He’s shocked because he thought he could drop you and pick you back up at his leisure.
The fact he didn’t apologise or make effort to re-arrange speaks volumes.

well done and don’t doubt yourself.

ObtuseMoose · 17/10/2024 13:31

The connection is intense
Possibly on your side but it doesn't sound like he feels the same. A month in he should be on his best behaviour not acting like you're a poor second to other things that come up.

Ivehearditbothways · 17/10/2024 13:34

You’ve only known him a month. He’s just not into you. He’s love bombing with the nonsense he is telling you. What matters is how he actually behaves. And he has shown you that you’ll be pushed down the rung if the smallest thing comes up.

Bin this one.

Hatty65 · 17/10/2024 13:37

Nope. He's flaky.

I'd have ended it too. It's not the first time he's made plans and cancelled. How often do 'emergencies' crop up, in life? Most things you can say, 'Sorry - can't do Saturday. I've already got plans with @TwinMamaTee '.

He chose not to. He decided that (again) he'd drop you for something better, or more important, or more interesting and he'd shove you back down the list.

It's early days, and he should be on his best behaviour. It will never get better than this.

Well done for having a high enough bar to decide this wasn't for you.

Hatty65 · 17/10/2024 13:39

Oh - and he's shocked? And can't understand why you are upset? Not your problem.

If he doesn't realise that not everyone feels the same about stuff then he's slightly dim for a grown adult - but this can be a learning experience for him.

Not all women put up with flaky shit, mate.

Duckmamahere · 17/10/2024 13:43

You did the right thing OP. It sounds like you’re not a priority to him right now.

Original poster
TwinMamaTee · 17/10/2024 14:11

Oh, wow. Didn't expect responses like this, I was expecting you all to tell me I was being totally unreasonable.

I don't want to explain much as it would be outing. But there has been a family issue with his family, a loss of sorts, and he and his parents need to go to another country in a few weeks. So he was arranging that. Which imo, could have been done later in the evening. But instead it was more important and meant cancelling on me.

I feel like a fool. I thought he genuinely liked me.

OP posts:
EatSleepSleepRepeat · 17/10/2024 14:14

Married.

HollaHolla · 17/10/2024 14:18

TwinMamaTee · 17/10/2024 14:11

Oh, wow. Didn't expect responses like this, I was expecting you all to tell me I was being totally unreasonable.

I don't want to explain much as it would be outing. But there has been a family issue with his family, a loss of sorts, and he and his parents need to go to another country in a few weeks. So he was arranging that. Which imo, could have been done later in the evening. But instead it was more important and meant cancelling on me.

I feel like a fool. I thought he genuinely liked me.

I think a death in the family does kind of trump most other things. But, it's probably a shitty time to try and start a new relationship. I'd be taking a raincheck.

Ivehearditbothways · 17/10/2024 14:42

TwinMamaTee · 17/10/2024 14:11

Oh, wow. Didn't expect responses like this, I was expecting you all to tell me I was being totally unreasonable.

I don't want to explain much as it would be outing. But there has been a family issue with his family, a loss of sorts, and he and his parents need to go to another country in a few weeks. So he was arranging that. Which imo, could have been done later in the evening. But instead it was more important and meant cancelling on me.

I feel like a fool. I thought he genuinely liked me.

That’s a bit different. Organising for him and his parents to go abroad because of some sort of family issue isn’t really something he can put off. He’d need his parents input and maybe that’s when they were free to be involved in the planning/booking?

It’s a little different from wanting to wash the car or something. And if they have just had a loss, then he may be upset and not really thinking of you and what you need in that moment because he was thinking of his parents and himself and whatever the issue abroad is.

Original poster
TwinMamaTee · 17/10/2024 14:57

Ok thanks for those perspectives.

The loss was about 2 weeks ago. It's hard to explain without outing. The visit abroad isn't for a funeral or anything.

My last relationship was a narcissist so I now struggle to know if my views are right or wrong, I'm so used to second guessing myself. Put that with me having a tough time recently and I'm worried I'm totally over reacting and could throw away something potentially good, but also worried I could be getting played and falling for it.

He genuinely seemed like a nice person. There's been 0 pressure for sex and we both agreed we didn't want to rush that. We've been intimate but not naked basically lol.
And have had some really deep conversations.
I get the good morning and good night texts. Phone calls some evenings where we could chat for an hour about all sorts.
So I thought it all seemed genuine. But now I just don't know.

OP posts:
MWNA · 17/10/2024 14:59

EatSleepSleepRepeat · 17/10/2024 14:14

Married.

I reckon so too.

Ablondiebutagoody · 17/10/2024 15:04

You are right. You are way more important than a death in his family

TwinMama88 · 17/10/2024 15:14

Ablondiebutagoody · 17/10/2024 15:04

You are right. You are way more important than a death in his family

I haven't said that. And it's not a death as such, it's a loss but not in that sense. I can't say without it being outting.
And what he was doing was not something that had to be done immediately that moment.
And if things were tough, he could have said to me 'sorry, can't come today because of x,y,z' but he just wasn't going to come and not tell me.
But I'm literally here to see if people think I'm over reacting or not. But nowhere have I said I'm more important than his family at all.

IlooklikeNigella · 17/10/2024 15:15

OP yanbu by any stretch. The death was two weeks ago and by the sounds of things he just has some tasks to fulfill. He didn't even apologise or ask you when would suit you to reschedule, he flippantly told you he'd drop over tomorrow instead.

He is the type of person who does not value another person's time. He thinks it's ok to leave them hanging or at a loose end in the evening. He assumes you will be available the next day or whenever it suits him.

You have done exactly the right thing EXCEPT where you are relating his behaviour to how he feels about you. This kind of guy treats everyone like this. He's selfish to his core and no conversations or strong feelings will change that.

I would bin him off entirely personally but if you're not quite there yet I would change the line of communication from "I don't feel like I'm a priority to you" to "I'm a person with commitments and a busy schedule and I'm not really interested in a guy with such a laissez faire attitude."

You could give it another couple of weeks but I wouldn't be adapting to his lazy chaotic approach to life.

TwinMama88 · 17/10/2024 15:48

@IlooklikeNigella I think that's it...I don't feel like he values my time. It's like he wants to come when it's convenient for him. But if he's got something better to do, he won't bother sort of thing. I feel like an afterthought.

I'm not unreasonable at all. If he'd explained to me that there was an issue, I'd have understood.
And when the family issue happened a couple of weeks ago, I supported him, listened when he was upset.
Now I feel foolish and wonder if he ever cared at all.

Hatty65 · 17/10/2024 16:32

You are still not unreasonable.

A 'loss' 2 weeks ago doesn't mean it was urgent he did this Saturday daytime. He could have said to parents, 'Yep. Leave it with me. I've got plans on Saturday, but I'll organise the stuff for the trip on Sun night and we will be good to go'.

He didn't. He simply told you he was busy.

Rainbowshine · 17/10/2024 16:36

I think you’ve had a name change fail @TwinMamaTee @TwinMama88

TwinMama88 · 17/10/2024 17:05

Rainbowshine · 17/10/2024 16:36

I think you’ve had a name change fail @TwinMamaTee @TwinMama88

Oh blimey, I have no idea how that happens or how to fix it, sorry. Both are me though lol.

ChiffandBipper · 17/10/2024 17:09

He doesn't value your time. Repeatedly cancelling last minute - he isn't thinking "oh, she has turned down other plans to make time for me" he is thinking "I'll see how I feel on the day and if I can be bothered then I'll see her and if I can't be bothered, I won't. She'll just be there waiting for me either way"