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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Have I over reacted?

35 replies

TwinMamaTee · 17/10/2024 13:14

To set the scene, I'm going through a lot at the moment anyway, so probably a bit more emotional than normal.

I've been seeing someone for about a month so it's early days. However, it feels like we've known each other for a long time. The connection is intense. We get along great. Ect. We haven't actually slept together yet so it's not a connection based on that.

A couple of times now, we were supposed to see each other but he's essentially cancelled due to things coming up.

Yesterday he was supposed to come round, but he didn't. He didn't cancel, just said he was busy sorting out something, so I asked if that meant he was too busy, and he said ye but he'd come today instead.
I told him to forget it, I was getting sick of being let down, not to bother anymore. You get the idea.
He's acted shocked like he can't see why I'm upset. I've explained that I don't feel like a priority to him at all (and I don't mean I expect to see him daily ect, just that when we make a plan, he sticks to it, and that he makes time for me at least once or twice a week, there's no real reason why he doesn't have that time).
He says all the right things, when we are together it's great. And the thing that cropped up last night could have waited until he'd seen me.
It's more the fact that he didn't even tell me 'sorry, this has happened and I need to sort it, so can we rearrange for tomorrow '. I'd have been more understanding.

As I say, it's early days so on that point I totally understand he doesn't need to shift his life around for me, but the relationship has got intense very fast and he says how I'm so important and how I brighten up his life ect. We're both in our 30s, so not our first relationship, but both have a bit of baggage to carry as well.

I know you lot will be honest (please be kind though). Have I over reacted, or am I OK to be upset at him flaking on me?

I'm worried he's playing me in some way and I'm being stupid, or that I'm being an emotional idiot and spoiling something here.

OP posts:
TwinMama88 · 17/10/2024 17:19

Ye that's how it feels.
I tried to give the benefit of the doubt, have been understanding, but last night was the last straw for me.

I've been single a long time. It took a lot for me to put trust into someone.

I usually hear from him a few times a day and haven't heard from him at all. I'm certainly not going to reach out to him.
If he does, I'll see what he has to say.

BabyCloud · 17/10/2024 17:30

You’ve massively overreacted for only being a month in. I would have said ok no worries and went about my day. If he isn’t making the effort then I wouldn’t either.

Redebs · 17/10/2024 17:51

Do you think there's a chance he could have read or listened to one of those so-called 'relationship coaches' that promote themselves as helping men to control women?
Could he be deliberately blowing hot and cold to disorientate and confuse you in some kind of macho power thing?
Just an idea.
If that's so, tell him to quit it and stop playing silly games. His behaviour will tell you if there's something worthwhile there or not.

TwinMama88 · 18/10/2024 11:30

Haven't spoken to him yet.

Had a few missed calls from him last night but I wasn't in the headspace to talk.
Tbh I'm not sure what to even say right now.

IlooklikeNigella · 18/10/2024 11:44

If you want to continue seeing him I wouldn't bother talking to him about it now or engaging in any chitchat. I'd say hope you got your stuff sorted, I'm going into a busy week at work so won't have time for catch-ups before the weekend. I wouldn't answer how are you, good morning goodnight messages for at least 8 hours and just one reply back, no back and forth.

If and only if he suggested weekend plans early in the week (before Wednesday) I'd meet him again but I would very much treat it like a first date. So no heavy talk, no baring of the soul, friendly, fun, flirty but a complete reset. You only know him a month! And I'd see if he pulled anymore stunts like this. If he did I'd block and walk away.

If he tries to make weekend plans Wednesday afterwards send a bright and brief "oh that would have been lovely but I have weekend plans now sorry. Shame, it would have been really nice to see you again. ".

If the following week he suggests something with appropriate notice then follow my advice from the previous paragraph.

People may call this game playing but he's not showing signs of being a reliable considerate sort and you need to protect your heart until he does. I'd also consider myself single and dating at this point.

TwinMama88 · 19/10/2024 09:38

So, we've spoken.
Not sure if it's gotten us anywhere. I've been completely honest. But don't feel like he's really taken my point of view on board at all. He doesn't see the big deal.

Then I got this message off him early this morning. He must have woken up early because he sleeps in late on weekends so it was very early for him.

"Just wanted to say... Looking back and feeling the things I feel... Every single moment I've spent with you, being with you, holding your hand, hugging you while you lay on my chest, has brought nothing but peace and happiness within me... I just wanted you to know that"

I don't know if he's stuck in his ways from being single for so long and not having had to consider someone else, whether he's actually being dismissive on purpose, I just don't know.
I've explained why it's important to me, but will it make any difference.
I remember why I've been single for so long now, relationships are rough.

SpringleDingle · 19/10/2024 09:42

Don’t put up with a guy who makes you feel second best. He is flaky. YANBU!

IlooklikeNigella · 19/10/2024 14:30

Right so all he has shown you with that message is he's good at saying charming things.

I mean this kindly but there is no point whatsoever in talking things of this sort through. You can't force someone to be considerate towards you.

I feel for you because it's hard to resist someone you're into when he's laying it on thick as he is right now.

The best thing you can ever do for yourself is be clear on your own standards and stick to them. To accept last minute cancellations and keep yourself as a perpetually available option for someone else is doing yourself a massive disservice.

You can ignore my advice in my last post, wear yourself out trying to make him see your pov or you can get on with your own life, set high standards and be ready for someone (him potentially) to come along and reach.

CosyLemur · 22/10/2024 11:44

ChiffandBipper · 17/10/2024 17:09

He doesn't value your time. Repeatedly cancelling last minute - he isn't thinking "oh, she has turned down other plans to make time for me" he is thinking "I'll see how I feel on the day and if I can be bothered then I'll see her and if I can't be bothered, I won't. She'll just be there waiting for me either way"

Doesn't value her time when for 2 of the 4 weeks he's been dealing with a death and helping get his parents sorted? Yet she thinks those things can wait

ChiffandBipper · 22/10/2024 12:06

CosyLemur · 22/10/2024 11:44

Doesn't value her time when for 2 of the 4 weeks he's been dealing with a death and helping get his parents sorted? Yet she thinks those things can wait

@CosyLemur the OP (@TwinMamaTee ) has changed name (to @TwinMama88,) so not all responses show up when you click "see all", but the OP has said he is not dealing with a death. OP says " it's not a death as such, it's a loss but not in that sense. I can't say without it being outting.
And what he was doing was not something that had to be done immediately that moment.

And if things were tough, he could have said to me 'sorry, can't come today because of x,y,z' but he just wasn't going to come and not tell me."

To stand someone up without calling ahead when you know your plans have changed is a clear display of not valuing her time.

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