To wonder if it’s bad that people tell me I’m a ‘closed book’ because I don’t like talking about personal or family matters?

[TheCoralTurtle]

I’ve always been more private, but recently a few people have pointed it out, and now I’m questioning whether that’s seen as a negative trait. Should I be more open, or is it okay to keep certain things to myself?

Please be my friend. I love a certain reticence.

I wish I could be like this. I blurt out every single personal detail within seconds of meeting someone.

It's up to you what you divulge & don't.
It maybe makes people feel like you don't let them in but everyone's different 💓

Close relationships are very important to me, but if you are happy to keep yours on a superficial level, keep on doing what you have been doing.

I think you can be close to people without telling them details of your sex life or medical history, to pick two things that people overshare about.

We did some touchy-feely manager's course which involved 'how open your window was' (had a technical name of some sort) and mine was apparently tightly shut - yippee! The point being, I think, that if you didn't share stuff then your team wouldn't feel close to you and want to share back. Being shut worked for me and the team blubbed to each other apparently.....and the in-house gossip kept me updated on the good bits 😁

Bringing your whole self to work will definitely be used against you.

You can do whatever you like and feel comfortable with. Being closed off however does mean you will not create the same deep emotional connections with other people. They may not trust you or want to spend time with you in the same way etc. In the workplace, sharing absolutely nothing can make you appear judgemental of other people (its not really fair, but it is what it is).

That's totally fine if you're happy with that.

I think it depends on how you do it. If you deflect the conversation onto other topics, that's probably seen as less "closed" than abruptly shutting down the entire conversation.

OP I'm like you and am finding as the world becomes more encouraging of over sharing I'm become more closed off. To clarify to those who don't know me well and I have no wish to change that dynamic with.

I think it's perfectly possible to work in a team, support each other and enjoy your working hours together without living in each other's pockets or knowing everything about someone.

I'd be interested in what the other person defined as you being a closed book, Op

I'm the same. You don't want everyone knowing all your business. If anyone comments I just say I like to maintain an air of mystery as it would be very boring to know everything about me all at once. I tell people some things so we can chat about stuff. For example, I talk to a colleague about books but she doesn't know I go to a hobby each week. My hobby people don't know where I work etc. I'd mention these things in future if they came up or were relevant but I don't just randomly bring it up. If you ask me what I did at the weekend, I will tell you about one thing when I actually did 5 things 😂

I'd say briskly to any comment on being a closed book, 'I'm a woman of mystery. I like to keep my personal life private when I'm at work'.

(That's a lie, btw - I'm a massive oversharer but I'd feel no compunction about basically refusing to fall in line with other people's expectations of what I should divulge to them)

People overshare

I do it myself and I hear stuff coming out of my mouth and think 'shut up!!!'

It's annoying for nosy parkers.

Who are these people?

If it is a partner or close friend, then they may have a point.

But if it is simply gossipy work colleagues or acquaintances you don't owe them any details about your personal life...it is none of their business.

Ive Worked with someone for nearly 5 years now, very small team and I barely know anything about her. She is a very closed book. I’m fairly private by chatty with with people that reciprocate that. An example is you are making coffee in the kitchen and ask how her weekend is - reply - fine thanks - you? And that is pretty much all you get! It’s really hard work and it’s hard to warm to her. If I try and make conversation she shuts it down with very short answers, and I’m definitely not chatty myself!

I have a friend who I’ve know for 25 years and I could not honestly tell you whether she is married, has a partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, nothing. I know she doesn’t have kids. We just chat about current affairs, books, TV, work. She only knows I’m married with a kid because I’ll have mentioned them in passing at some point. She doesn’t ask about them. It’s all gravy.

This is just so personal and there are degrees.

I share some deeply personal details (domestic abuse experience) in a professional context because it's highly relevant to my role. I'm quite open about many things if asked although I don't volunteer information. It tends to come out more if I ask other people about their lives and then I might mention it as something in common etc. People who have known me a long time would not describe me as an over-sharer but can tell you a surprising amount about me if they piece it all together.

I certainly wouldn't dream of sharing any private medical information or relationship issues with anyone but the closest of friends and then only if it was something quite serious.

As far as I'm concerned, this does not make you a closed book.

A person referred to as a closed book is usually someone who doesn't share anything. At all. The key word is "closed". In an office environment, it's the kind of person you can be sittin gnext to for 2 years and you don't know if they have a partner or children, you don't know a thing about what they like to do in their spare time etc.

You are someone who chooses not to overshare, who shares enough to maintain relationships in appropriate settings. That's totally different. I worked in close quarters with people for years. We all knew the basics about each other and inevitably we had certain things in common with certain people - one colleague's dad came from the same city as me, another and I used to swap recipes - while other things just don't come up or are kept private. While my old friends know that I read a lot, I don't think anyone who has met me in the last 20 years has any idea how much I read. I might get involved in a chat about that new book everyone is talking about, but no one knows the full breadth and range of what I read. That doesn't make me a closed book, it's just a part of my life I prefer to keep privat these days. There are lots of other parts of my life I keep private too. I'm still not a closed book.

I keep virtually everything to myself.

At work, they know pretty much nothing about my personal life and that's the way it will stay.

Yep this! ^

Yep! This! ^

Well, it's OK to keep many things private, but having a friend of 25 years and not knowing if she is married or has any partner at all is extremely odd.

😆