To wonder if it’s bad that people tell me I’m a ‘closed book’ because I don’t like talking about personal or family matters?

[TheCoralTurtle]

I’ve always been more private, but recently a few people have pointed it out, and now I’m questioning whether that’s seen as a negative trait. Should I be more open, or is it okay to keep certain things to myself?

@TheCoralTurtle

I completely get you. I used to be in a job some 15 plus years ago - where there was an office manager (male) about five years older than me, who was always trying to poke his nose into my private affairs, and my marriage. Trying to find out why me and DH were selling a car and buying one 4 years older. 'Do you need the money? Are you broke?' Tried to find out why we were having another baby so soon after the last. 'Was it an accident?' 'Was it planned?!'

And when DH walked off 10 feet in front of me when he picked me up from work one day - the next day he asked what's wrong in our marriage! Nothing. DH was just going ahead to unlock the car and move the shopping off the passenger seat so I could get in. So fucking unbelievably nosey!

And I've met more people like that in the workplace and also in my neighbourhood. About a decade ago, this one particular woman moved into my village and I met her at a village hobby group.. She wanted to know every aspect of my private life. 'Why do you work part time?' 'Why do you only rent your home?' (which we did then!) 'why isn't your husband higher up in the company seeing as he's been there 10 years?!' (Because he really likes being in lower management and doesn't want to go up any further and have more responsibilities!) 'Why is your daughter doing a masters? Does she not want to actually work?!' (Cheeky cunt.) Just sooo many intrusive questions about things that were FUCK-ALL to do with her! (Often with a side order of rudeness, sarcasm,, and bitchiness!)

And when we were at the pub with her and her DP, she was asking intrusive questions about my DH's family, and my DH said he doesn't speak to his brother anymore, and hasn't for over a decade. BIG mistake! She just wouldn't stop going on about it! I was fuming with him for telling her this. All he had to say is they don't see each other much when she kept asking about him!

DH said he is a horrible, misogynistic controlling bully. (Think Charlie from Classic Corrie... Just like him.) DH said that he is dead to him, and that's all he is going to say about him.

She stared at me and started demanding to know if he was REALLY like that. I said yes he is and that's the end of the conversation really..'. I must have repeated this 100 times! She said 'yeah but is he really like that...?!' And she kept saying that!

I just said 'yes he is!' and that I really didn't like him either as he's a horrible misogynist who is toxic and controlling, (as DH had said,) and I won't elaborate any more.. She kept saying 'but really if your husband wasn't here what would you say about him though? Do you like him really?' I said 'no, no! I don't.' She just kept grilling me and going on at me and nagging and whining and saying 'yeah but if HE wasn't in the room what would you say?' I said 'I would say the same!' and I was starting to get angry with her goading.

She kept begging the answer to many questions about things that were fuck-all to do with her. Private family stuff, private couple stuff, and private financial information. 'How can you both afford to work part time? I don't get it!' she bleated with her head tilted and a confused look on her face. There is nothing for you to get! It is NOT YOUR BUSINESS!

She became so intense that after a year and a half of tolerating her, I actually ghosted her. She was starting to get me down, and make me feel anxious and stressed. Took a full year to shake her off and I had to drop out of both of my hobby groups in the village. I also lost 2 friends, (in the village, who I made at the hobby group,) as they sided with her as she told them I was a bitch for ghosting her. Like I was the bad guy! Thankfully, she AND the 2 'friends' live a good 15 minutes walk from me, and not too close to me, so I rarely see them!

Another reason I don't divulge my private life to anybody or any personal issues I've got, is because ultimately - when you fall out with that person, they will use it as ammunition to hurt you. I've had it happen and it's fucking horrible.

I tell people NOTHING now. My private life is just that... PRIVATE!

Some people eople are too keen to overshare in my opinion. On my next job I am going to be a bit more reticent

I am the same.

However we live in an extroverts world and to be reserved is a trait that is seemingly disliked.

I’m VERY private about my life but you’d never know it at work because I’m very sociable and I happily share stuff of no consequence. There is a difference between being buttoned up/ aloof/ hard work and just friendly and generally easy going.

It's perfectly in your right to not share a single thing but people who don’t share anything at all come across as quite weird and unsettling in a group situation. They are also takers (like the pp above who happily listen and capitalise on being privy to the office gossip) which is another layer of reason to distrust them.

Funny thing is, when people eventually do open up about anything they’ve guarded carefully it usually turns out to be the most boring regular shit that you wondered why they wasted all that energy being so mysterious!

I think it's pretty rude to tell someone that they're a closed book.

It's hard to know whether you are being unreasonable or not. If you are evading questions that are fairly inconsequential, then I can see that it might be difficult to be friends, have conversations etc.

However, if you are evading questions that are overly personal, then this is fine and the person asking them needs to wind their neck in.

Like everything there’s a balance in life. If I’m just trying to rub along with someone in work, school gates, etc then something needs to be shared in order to not do the ‘fine thanks’ ‘fine thanks’ full stop thing. It can ultimately feel quite unsettling to me if I can’t find any points of connection with people. But sometimes that’s just how it is and standing in silence is fine.

on the other hand you get closed book types who deflect by asking you barrages of questions about yourself. I know 2 like this and over time it is almost worse than the types who give you nothing to work with at all.

People are so nosey. I'm like you, hate being asked personal questions.

It depends in what context multiple people are saying you are a closed book to them. If a close friend said that, it wouldn't be a good thing. If a long term colleague I liked and trusted said it, it wouldn't be a good thing. Some degree of openness is needed in good relationships.

But if a new colleague I didn't like or trust said it, I would think they were making trouble and blank it with a . And if I were online dating and a guy said it I would think I just wasn't rolling over as quick as he would like, and he was pushing boundaries, so I would cut him off.

So it totally depends where it is coming from.

I think it depends if you show interest in others. If you don't talk about yourself much, but do show genuine interest in what others share, I don't think it bothers anyone other than the egregious nosy parkers.

What people on a team look for is connection and thoughtfulness. So if a colleague says that they're off to the theatre, it's not the end of the world to say if you've seen that play, or would like to, and it's nice if next day you can remember to ask if they enjoyed it.

Likewise if your colleague is worried about their child/elderly parent/ their own health, then check in with them, ask how they are, just let them know that you heard what they shared and you care about them. You don't have to share anything of yourself to connect, as long as you make it clear that you're interested in them.

I have a close family member who is intensely private, but also doesn't ask questions that show any interest in us.
I try to understand, and she is almost certainly neuro-diverse. But on an emotional level I find it sad that she has no interest in me or my life, even though I know that she loves me. Conversation can be really difficult. I'll tell her something of interest that I'm doing, and she looks at me with a 'why are you telling me this?' expression on her face.

Is it cryptic one-plop posts day again today?

Totally. I have good, close longterm friendships where we talk about all kinds of things, but not necessarily anything that would traditionally be considered ‘private’.

You do the right thing op. Privacy is everything! Only nosey parkers will likely be upset that they dont know your business!

A private life is a happy life.

You sound great, OP. If you're a "closed book", then so am I. In fact, you should be proud of it. There is nothing worse than people who want to talk about themselves all the time, and it's just verbal incontinence. I think the world would be a happier and calmer place if people just cultivated a bit of reserve and reticence.

Sigh. Not telling people willy-nilly about things you consider private is nothing to do with introversion or extroversion.

My lived experience says otherwise.

Thanks for your input.

Johari Window is the term the work psychologist referred to - the technique proved mine was bolted shut!

Are we all to live and work in mute silence then? Great fun. 🙄👏🏻👏🏻

Yeah, I kind of agree. She never mentions anyone, so I assume she hasn’t, and I’m not going to ask “do you have a partner?”. She’s not a close friend but we do see each other 4-5 times a year for food / drinks, and text, always on non-personal life subjects.

Yes that’s bordering on rude really because she could easily respond in a way that doesn’t reveal anything about herself at all and mutter something about the good weather making it easier to enjoy the outdoors or something.

Maybe she doesn’t have the headspace for mindless chat and that’s fine, but you can at least acknowledge someone else’s presence in a friendly way!

Its not bad to be told that. You don't have to tell anyone anything. You are more comfortable being a private person. Maybe you feel more in control that way, I know I do. Actually, it's probably why I don't have close friends. I just prefer to keep my business to myself. I'll have a chat & all that, but I won't let anyone in.

I’m like this, mainly because I refuse to believe anyone would have any deep interest in the details of my life. Which leads me to be bemused and suspicious when people start asking probing questions.

That seems quite sad to me.

But then, I was on a thread a few weeks back where someone felt that small talk along lines of "do you have children, where do you live" etc was very intrusive and rude so.... [shrug]

But "how was your weekend?" is just an idle pleasantry, is it not? Like asking someone how they are? You don't really want a blow-by-blow account of their activities any more than you want a full health report in asking how they are. I'd reply just like the lady in the example. It's not rude, you've answered and responded politely. On the other hand, if I was asked if I did anything nice at the weekend then I'd know they were being more than just "polite" and I'd probably answer in a little bit of detail, and ask about theirs.

Sometimes small talk is all the better for being kept small.

They have a point.

I used to work at a school.

I worked there ten years with this particular bloke. He was head of department for three of those years.

If you asked him literally anything - how was your weekend, any plans for half term, etc, you'd just get shutting down answers.

Weekend was fine, no plans etc.

It was actually really difficult because I was asked to work on a project with him within the department and he really did behave like he hated me and wanted to avoid speaking to me where possible.

It's not fun working with someone who acts like they hate you, want you to shut up and can't wait for the meeting to be over.

He never said hello to any of the department when he saw them and didn't join in with coffee time or lunches either.

I could never work out if he hated all people equally or had a specific dislike of me.