Men and strip clubs

[GretchenWienersHair]

My cousin’s DH recently went on a stag, and she is “chuffed” because he didn’t get a lap dance out there, when all of his (also married) friends did. AIBU to think that this is a pretty low standard?

He says he didn’t… yes it’s a low bar. If the roles were refused and women had naked men on top of them at a party, then men wouldn’t like it! For some reason in the context of a strip club they think it’s ok? It’s strange we’ve ended up here.

I bet he doesn't watch porn either.

Well I would assume if all the other men did then he also had a lap dance but just didn't tell her. She has absolutely no idea what went on and what he did.

Why do women think a "stag do" excuses men from cheating in this way?

Just going in a strip club would be a relationship ender for me.

I mean I agree with you all, but whether he actually did or didn’t isn’t really the question. She believes him so who am I to say otherwise. My concern is, even if he is telling the truth, the bar is still on the floor.

What a hero.

What did he do instead, have a coffee in a cafe and read “Pride and Prejudice”?

course he didn’t

i bet all the other wives have been told the exact same story

Me too. Decent men don't go to strip/lap dancing clubs, full stop.

So the clear consensus (so far, at least) is I am NBU. I’m glad to know I’m not “absolutely insane”, as my other cousin (her older sister) seems to think. The bar is, indeed, on the floor.

Why is she calling you insane?!

That's a low bar; it's grim. I think it's highly likely that all the married ones told their wives that they're the one that hasn't had the lap dance. Not sure why a decent person would even walk through the door, but I guess if you were a bit drunk in a strange city you may stick with those you go with.

Because I said that him simply” not getting a lap-dance” not something to be happy about. I get the impression that they both think I’m some sort of high maintenance cow. They often say things like “Your poor DH” as he cooks dinner more often than me (he’s home from work first, by the way). So, in general, I think I’m “insane” because I wouldn’t appreciate such a simple act.

Did he go on a stag and not go to the strip club, or go to a strip club and not get a lap dance? Two different things IMO.

This. It shows what they think about women.

I have a dim view of any man who goes to a strip club, even if he is single. I think it says a lot about how he views women, quite apart from the issues (especially in some countries popular with stag dos etc) of whether those women have any real choice about being there. I don't want to be around the sort of men who think this is the perfect activity for weekend away with friends before one of them gets married.

I think too many people focus on 'was it cheating' so conclude that clearly the women have no interest the men, and men don't touch the women, so it's all OK. For me it's about so much more.

We frequently hear that the DH didn't really want to go in but all his friends were. If my friends tried to force me to do something that I found morally objectionable I'd be looking for new friends, or at least getting a taxi back to my hotel. If it's all so fine and not a big deal why don't we ever hear from the men that supposedly really wanted to go and had to persuade their other mate? And almost every time you hear about private dances the DH doesn't have one but all his friends do.

He went to the strip club but didn’t get a lap dance.

Oh OK 😂

If he’d stayed in (and was telling the truth about it), I would have been quite impressed 😄

I'd say it's extremely unlikely he sat there while everyone else got a dance and he stared at the floor. Unless he just wanted to ogle the women without paying them, which if anything seems a bit worse? I'm not condoning it but if a bunch of men went to the strip club I wouldn't believe any of them saying they did nothing.
I also wouldn't really be attracted to the type of men that attend strip clubs.

Unless he just wanted to ogle the women without paying them, which if anything seems a bit worse?

Gosh, I hadn’t even considered that part. Gross.

I’m going to have to avoid my cousin and her DH for a while. I can’t look them in the eye while silently judging him and feeling sorry for her.

A low bar indeed. Well done on not paying a naked woman to grind all over you, I guess?

Agreed!

Agreed op. My DH has on occasion gone back to the hotel with 1 or 2 other decent men when a stag do has veered towards a strip club. Its completely do-able.

The more I think of this part, the worse I think it is. It was in New York - am I wrong in thinking most people in bars and restaurants there rely solely on tips? Would exotic dancers count in this too, or are they paid at least a base wage?

@catlesslady Yout post expresses exactly how I feel.

I wonder if the people who focus on the question of ‘is it cheating?’ are the same simpletons who think women that object to strip clubs are just ‘jealous’ which completely misses the point. If I was going to be jealous of women who are younger and more sexually attractive than me, there are plenty to choose from without having to go anywhere near a strip club. I see dozens of women every day who are younger and more attractive than me. My OH presumably sees them too. My objection to strip clubs is not about jealousy but about wanting to be with a man who respects women and doesn’t view them as decorative, titillating objects. It’s also about having empathy and concern for women who have been trafficked/coerced/groomed or otherwise ended up in a situation they’d rather not be in because they didn’t have the choices and opportunities that other women had.

Yes it is worse.

Don't be fooled by "my morals stopped me from having one".

If he didn't want a dance claiming a moral high ground, he wouldn't have gone at all. He just wanted whatever he could get for free.