THIS crosses the line - by exactly 349 miles

[SpaceyChapman]

I have an earlier post that sets up the scene for this but the short version is - I am feeling very insecure about an interest my DH appears to have developed in another woman he met while on a meditation retreat / adventure holiday. Certain little things have made me very uneasy, but what I am about to describe is The Big One!

DH has been considering a career change for a while – part of finding himself, I guess. Reinvigorated by his trip away he is now considering a job that involves remote work with only a small amount of time in the office required each month. Where exactly is this office you ask? Well, it’s a very convenient five hours and forty-four minutes’ drive away. WTF, why so far? My heart is telling me that it’s because the office for this particular employer just so happens to also be based in HER hometown. At that distance, overnight stays would be inevitable.

AIBU to think this is (swear words, swear words, calms down slightly) crossing the line somewhat?

AND it is definitely her hometown by the way. Other than her first name that is the one fact about her that I do know for certain. I think DH will try and say this is all perfectly fine.

I've just seen that Liam Payne has sadly died, so maybe this morning wasn't the best time to post this. Love to anyone affected.

Why not post this on your existing thread?

Agreed but in answer to your question, yes I'd be concerned, seems like he has checked out of your relationship and has hit his mid life crisis era. How invested are you in your relationship? Do you want to fight for him or would you be comfortable splitting up if this behaviour continues?

You were the person who described the woman your DH met at a retreat as a nymphomaniac gymnast with below the face alopecia, and you appear to have spent every second since his return forensically analysing all group photos and reels to see how long she’s in shot?

Honestly, your posts suggest you’re an incredibly melodramatic, borderline paranoid individual. I used to commute internationally for work, so three hundred and something miles once a month doesn’t sound wildly unusual, but you haven’t said whether the office location is in a tiny town or a substantial city? I mean, if your DH has managed to find a job at an organisation whose head offices are in some obscure one-horse town he’s unlikely to have even heard of before meeting her, sure, but if it’s in Leeds or Edinburgh or somewhere, I’m not sure what the issue is?

From what you say, your DH is having a classic response to an intense group bonding experience and is thinking about reinventing his life subsequently. I’m not convinced from what you say that his attraction to her is any more than afterglow from the retreat, but, either way, what are you going to do about it?

How lovely of him to provide a little hotel break for you both when he has to pop off to the office each month. Of course you'll be going with him to explore during the day when hes in the office and to have a date night out later. So nice to have a regular break to look forward to...

I think there is some truth in everything you have said here. Thank you.

I don't want the last word on this to be that I'm being irrational. melodramatic and paranoid. Isn't there anyone out there who understands how I'm feeling?

I remember your other thread OP - I posted on it.
Just had another look at it and I can't see that you have said what your DH has actually said to you when you have broached the matter of his infatuation with this woman. What did he say when you told him about your concerns?

Seems to me ATM he is in the process of checking out of your relationship so you really need to think about how you see your future. If you both have such different views on what you lives look like going forward and they can't be reconciled then perhaps you would be better calling an end to your relationship.

I totally get you OP, I'd be heartbroken over it tbh!
What have you actually asked and what has DH said about her?

I haven't read your other thread OP so I don't have the full picture. But my view is also not clouded by it so I will comment purely on what you have posted here.

You are right to feel suspicious about this "coincidence". Over the years, I have seen post after post from women who find their lives blown apart by their dh's actions. All too often women look back and can pinpoint when their spidey senses were first alerted to a change in behaviour. Which they ignored.

Your DH's behaviour may well be above board and he may just be wrapped up in his journey of self discovery to see how this all looks. But there is nothing to gain in you concentrating on this woman. Focus on him, watch and bide your time.

I like the suggestion upthread of telling DH that it would be a great idea for you to go with him once a month so that you can have time together. Perhaps suggest this and see his reaction.

Yes, I would be suspicious.

Has he got the job yet? Can you encourage him to get so instead jobs more local. Maybe stress it’s cheaper on petrol, overnight accomadation etc. the money he spends on this would negate any pay rise etc.

I haven't broached the matter with him. Some advice has been to confront him. Some have said to sit back quietly and observe. I like the idea that it will all blow over and turn into nothing, so I prefer this second option TBH, but I honestly don't know what I'd do if he goes down this line.

I read your other thread, but only after you edited some apparently colourful descriptions of this woman.

It seems very obvious that he has a crush on her. Can't be helped, that happens to all of us. But I think that feeding that crush - and I would class mooning over videos of her as feeding a crush - is not appropriate and an adult in a committed relationship should be shutting that shit down themselves. Of course his choice of job location is suspicious.

I do feel for you. You are in a tricky position of being right imo, but not really having anything concrete to confront him with. I really, really don't think you should confront him at this stage anyway. If you do he will delete and hide anything that is suspicious and tell you you're crazy. You will be no further forward and you will probably never get answers. You need to know if he's messaging her privately. Can you check his phone?

If it's only once a month or so, do go with him! I'd suggest enthusing about this possibility right now. Look up the interesting features of that town, nice restaurants and historic pubs you can enjoy together.

If he starts shooting the idea down straight away, you'll KNOW you've got a problem.

WRT "I prefer this [watching & waiting] TBH, but I honestly don't know what I'd do if he goes down this line" - you could do worse than make a clear contingency plan to action if/when it all gets a bit much. Financial info organised, where to stay etc, confide in at least one trustworthy person.

You need to speak to him

Op I think that this is the third thread you have started about this situation? It's probably easier and more informative for people to see all the information on one thread.

On your other thread I was one of the pp who thought you would be better to speak to him about how to you felt and your concerns.
And given your update I think it's more important than ever to bring things out into the open.. A career change is an important move and has implications for both of you. Given that he is manipulating his proposed career change to allow him to be physically close to her then I don't see how you can avoid discussing things with him.

Maybe he's trying to get some space from you because you're increasingly becoming unhinged.

What has that got to do with this thread?

What ?? that has nothing to do with this.

Right, so your first thread was deleted by MN and the second is still up.

You should have posted this as an update on the second thread, OP. This is just getting confusing.

Yes, I do.
I'd be confused- hurt- and yes- angry.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5187807-this-video-shouldnt-be-on-his-phone-it-shouldnt-even-exist?page=7&reply=139216341

I like the idea that it will all blow over and turn into nothing…

@SpaceyChapman, the horse is about to bolt from the barn. Sit by and say nothing at your own peril.

I’ve linked your other thread for posters who haven’t read it. Your H has been playing with fire, and your news suggests that his limerance is escalating.

He had an adventure with this woman which clearly affected him greatly and turned his head. He actually filmed his crush at the retreat and has been repeatedly watching her with an adoring and ‘longing’ expression right in front of you. He has also found ways to reach out to her, such as sending photos of himself cooking to their WhatsApp group to capture her attention. Cooking, his newfound interest since he returned, just happens to be her passion.

Now he is making noise about working in her city. He is finding a way and taking steps to be in her presence. He is actively investing.

You’ve updated your other thread and stated that you’ve decided to ‘swallow’ your unsettled feelings. I have definite views on your scenario, as I have seen this play out with disastrous results multiple times in my professional life, as well as in my family. Ostriching and swallowing your distress about an unresolved relationship breach can seriously harm your emotional and physical health. And intimate secrets like those you and H are keeping will damage your marriage and cause rot to set in.

You’ve called your H ‘incredible’. Do you have him on such a high pedestal that you have difficulty questioning or confronting him when he causes you hurt? Do you ever get angry at him? I fear that avoiding your upset and turning a blind eye will come back to bite you, as he is already acting on his new exciting feelings. The horse is bolting.

@SpaceyChapman, your marriage is in a crisis, and I strongly advise you to take definitive action. Shining a light on H’s inappropriate behavior and expressing your discomfort may be the sharp shock he needs to pull himself out of his enchantment fog. Tell him where you stand and what your expectations are.

I would sit him down and tell him this ridiculous crush has gone far enough and he is making a fool of himself.

This should lead to him defending himself if it has gone further, eg well actually it’s not a crush, we were at it like rabbits all holiday and she wants me to move in. Horrible but at least you will know.

Or it might make him realise he’s being stupid if it is just a passing obsession.

If I were you I’d dump him regardless, but I am ND and very black and white about relationships. You’re in or you’re out. He seems completely checked out.