THIS crosses the line - by exactly 349 miles

[SpaceyChapman]

I have an earlier post that sets up the scene for this but the short version is - I am feeling very insecure about an interest my DH appears to have developed in another woman he met while on a meditation retreat / adventure holiday. Certain little things have made me very uneasy, but what I am about to describe is The Big One!

DH has been considering a career change for a while – part of finding himself, I guess. Reinvigorated by his trip away he is now considering a job that involves remote work with only a small amount of time in the office required each month. Where exactly is this office you ask? Well, it’s a very convenient five hours and forty-four minutes’ drive away. WTF, why so far? My heart is telling me that it’s because the office for this particular employer just so happens to also be based in HER hometown. At that distance, overnight stays would be inevitable.

AIBU to think this is (swear words, swear words, calms down slightly) crossing the line somewhat?

AND it is definitely her hometown by the way. Other than her first name that is the one fact about her that I do know for certain. I think DH will try and say this is all perfectly fine.

I think the PP’s suggestion that you go with him when he goes away and his reaction to that will tell you everything you need to know.

It is definitely suspicious OP. Sorry about the gaslighting from people further up thread. I think you have every right to feel the way you do.

However, my take on this would be let him go. You can have words all you like, but he has applied for a job to be closer to her.

That is quite a step, he must be fairly certain it is worth his while, or already has been.

If you stay with him this is going to be how it is for the rest of the relationship. Him making shady moves and you driving yourself nuts about it

There is nothing irrational, melodramatic or “unhinged” about your reactions here OP, and it’s weird that posters are trying to make this your fault. Your H is sitting round sighing over videos of a woman right in front of you, trying to impress her with his cooking and now wants to change job to work round the corner from her. Trust your instincts.

If you do intend to watch and wait, please also use that time to gather paperwork on all finances and consider your options. Do you have children? Is he the sole/higher earner? You don’t have to decide now but just have possibilities open.

When did married people forget the art of communication.

ask him.

I commented on your other thread too, i suggested you make a joke out of him having a crush and take the piss a bit which is what I would do.

it seems though that maybe you don’t have a lot of power in your marriage? How do you resolve other conflicts and disagreements? Do you normally speak to him about things that upset you or piss you off? Or do you feel like you don’t have much of a voice?

I really don't feel like I have much of a voice at all.

Just ask him if he'd be as keen on the move if it wasn't her hometown ? ( See if he gets flustered at the comment )

On the basis of what you said DP is considering a job based close by to where lady from the retreat works. He hasn’t accepted it or worked out terms and conditions etc. it’s not even 100% clear from your post that there’s a role available.

I am with you in that my heckles would be raised by him moving jobs and having regular overnight stays near the lady from the retreat, but it sounds like this is not what is currently going on.

I would keep open communication with him and keep an open mind.

This is troubling, @SpaceyChapman. Can you elaborate? Does your H not value or respect your feelings and opinions?

He might be up to no good or as PP have said he might just be in the afterglow of a nice group bonding activity. I think you need to be careful not to get whipped up into a frenzy of suspicion by other posters. Take a step back and think about what you know your DH has actually done?

• filmed a video of the group with her in it and watched it 3 times
• put a group photo with her in it on his photo album of the event
• applied (?) for a job in the place she lives.

Be honest with yourself. Are the photos/videos really focusing on her or is that just your interpretation? Maybe show them to a friend you trust and ask her opinion.

He must have talked about her to you as you know her name and location. How did this come up? Was he talking about all of the people he'd met on the retreat? Did you see her in his photos or video and say "ooh, who's that?".
As @Holotropic asked, is the area where the job is a big city?
Does he have form? Do you have form for unfounded suspicion?

You got a similar answer from @Holotropic and you agreed with everything they said, but then asked for more advice supporting your view. This despite the fact that the overwhelming sentiment on this and your last thread have been supporting the "head has been turned" (who says that??) point of view. I suspect that posting on here won't help you resolve the issues and will just feed anxiety.

I also like the idea of op suggesting she joins him on these trips so she can look round an exciting new city on her own then join him for a lovely meal in the evening.

My DH works once a month in Copenhagen, I went with him once, had a great day looking round then a meal with him and a colleague in the evening. What stops me from doing this every time is we have 2 DC and I'm a SAHM.
Has op said she has kids?