For still being shy and socially awkward as a middle aged woman?

[Rosetintedwineglass]

I was at a team lunch with colleagues today. I get on with them perfectly well in the office. Never feel
shy or awkward.

but there’s something about these work ‘socials’ that just make me feel awkward.

there was a group of 6 of us out today, but I find it really difficult to make conversation. I suddenly get shy or worry about talking too much, or not enough.
i panic when there is a lull in conversation, But then if I try to start up a group topic of conversation, I worry that everyone is wondering why I’m rambling on, or
think I’m dominating the conversation.

i know I can’t be doing all these things! But it’s like my inner voice is telling me I’m an idiot whether I talk or stay quiet.

I think I struggle generally with group conversations and find them difficult to navigate. I’m fine with 1-1s.

the result is I sit there quietly, hating every minute. Does anyone do this? And does anyone know how to stop it?

I stop it by not going to work social events, although I appreciate that might be difficult if they're within your working hours. Ours are always outwith working hours and I avoid them like the plague.

Can you avoid them if they make you uncomfortable?

Hi OP - your post resonates with me so much! I could have written it, word for word - the only differences being that I am male, and autistic, (and please don't think, for one minute, that I am suggesting that you are).

Like you, I am better at one to one encounters, rather than group situations and prefer to spend quiet time, in quiet places, doing quiet things with quiet people and, in my case, in wide open spaces, preferably surrounded by green and living things. I actively avoid crowded, noisy places, full of talkative people and tend to disassociate and clam up when in such environments! Yes, I sometimes feel socially awkward as a result, but accept that this is who I am - one of life's quiet and reserved personalities. It doesn't matter, really it doesn't - I would rather be like this than be a boisterous, extrovert 'talker' and humanity is made up of a gallimaufry of personality types, all of whom have value and a valid place in social interactions. I accept and embrace my introversion, know that I am not alone and have no desire or need to change it.

I am aware that, from your last two sentences, you possibly feel that you are 'out on a limb' and would like to be different, and I cannot offer any advice if so, but you are your own person and those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind!

A book, which I found really useful is: 'Quiet, The Power Of Introverts In A World Which Can't Stop Talking' by Susan Cain.

Best wishes to you

Dear @Rosetintedwineglass, I completely understand what you’re talking about, and I am someone who suspects they are autistic (and other people have told me they think this about me too). It can be difficult but it can also be fun and exciting to be in these social events with people similar to yourself who you know won’t judge you. At least that is my experience. I’m still awkward but so is everyone else and it turns out they don’t mind!

I can’t do it either. I can never work out how to contribute in group conversations and I can’t circulate either. I don’t know what the trick is.

I would second @DracunculusVulgaris book recommendation. My husband isn’t shy or lacking in confidence but he is an introvert and he loved the book.

Social anxiety is likely more common than you think - many people suffer from it in particular circumstances. My advice would be to observe the dynamic of the group and choose your part in it depending on how well you know the people and how you're feeling on that occasion. For example, when I'm feeling like I have little to contribute in a particular group or I'm feeling a little anxious, I ask questions of others - there's always one person in a larger group who loves talking! In my experience, I have found that quieter people may not say much, but often what they do say has real depth. Finally, do you really think you're the only person who, having left a social event, doesn't think all the thoughts you do? You are not alone in worrying about what others think about you - most of us do.

I do the opposite - especially since getting older.

I simply don't give a shit. Quite often I will remain silent in a group scenario - other times I will chip in unnecessary nonsense.

Also happy with my own company.

I'm not as popular as some others, who have the 'knack' - but, we're all different, and we can't all be popular! So I have a few close friends who I do appreciate and that's enough for me.

Don't overthink it.

I would also recommend 'Quiet' by Susan Cain.

I’m the same and I know it’s hard when you feel like you should have grown out of this behaviour, in a way? I’m not always successful, but I try and turn my thoughts around, and go into an event thinking “it’s ok if you’re quiet, just try and contribute a little bit to the conversation. Ask questions of others if you can or there’s a gap in conversation but don’t worry if you can’t”. And try and stop the negative talk to yourself - if you only said one thing, congratulate yourself for saying it rather than beating yourself up for being quiet.

I feel exactly the same OP. @DracunculusVulgaris has made some excellent points and have have added the book to my reading list. I definitely need to read it! Got a few social events coming up over the next few months and really not looking forward to them for this reason.

I was exactly the same (retired now). Found work socialising very difficult. Thete were so many occasions I really wanted to say something but found it really difficult to make myself heard. And there were always certain colleagues that if they started talking, everyone else stopped talking and listened.

I also loved the Susan Cain book.

I much prefer being out with quiet people who listen to others speaking and ask interested questions. My real bugbear are those people who take over every single conversation and if they are not in it then start getting their phone out to show photos of kids, pets, garden etc etc and really stop the flow for other people.
I would say keep doing what you are doing and just try and relax and enjoy without putting pressure on yourself to be “fun”. Nobody will be thinking how you have acted.

I get so anxious in work meetings and group get togethers that I go the opposite way and talk a lot. When a question is asked and there’s that pause of silence whilst other people look like they want the floor to swallow them up, is excruciating so I have to fill it because I then feel sorry for the person asking the question, getting no response from their colleagues!
I’ve also had to admit to colleagues when they’ve praised me for being outgoing and participating well that it’s all an illusion and inside I’m dying because I don’t want them to think that I think I’m all Billy big nuts

@DracunculusVulgaris thanks so much for your post and book recommendation.

I have wondered about autism, but I don’t think that is it. I strongly suspect ADHD as my DC both have it. Not sure if it causes similar issues?

its strange because I have no problem with public speaking. But that’s because I can control what I’m saying and don’t have to worry about what others are going to say.

i think I need to work on accepting that this is who I am.

This is exactly how I feel. There are some situations where I talk a lot and then regret over sharing.

Same, @leafybrew Giving zero fucks is such an underrated life skill.

I can definitely relate, OP. Honestly - it does get better simply because you just care less as you get older about how others see you.

I think, if you find your tribe, it's much easier - and that's all very well but work situations don't always allow that. My advice is - just focus on being professional, friendly but not gushing, approachable but not 'bubbly' (ugh - personally I run a mile from bubbly people). Don't stress about trying to be waht you're not - don't feel you have to be the person others want you to be. There are enough loud, uninhibited extroverts in the world. People will respect you for being true to yourself.

I'm totally at ease now but that's because I'm freer now to choose whom I socialise or work with. If put into any old scenario I'd probably feel just like you!

Or you could work on changing it. What you are describing doesn’t sound like anything innate.

Have a look into bisoprolol tablets for anxiety causing events. Interesting reading.

I'm like this. I am also autistic. I'm not sure it's exclusive to autists though. I'd say:

• It's not your sole job to carry the conversation. Sometimes there may be quiet periods, that's fine.
• If events like this burn your social battery, think carefully before agreeing to them, or plan the rest of your day week with enough quieter times to recover.
• If you find yourself with people who you're not sure how to engage with, think in advance about something you can ask them about themselves. Usually sets them off talking again.

I’m the same.

Ironically. I’ve an always worked in a customer-facing environment, and can quite happily talk to customers, patients, lecturers, students etc(and probably look quite confident), but as soon as I’m in a party situation, I clam up.

ADHD can certainly lead to a lot of self doubt and agonising over how you come across socially. Have you heard of rejection sensitive dysphoria?

This is me @Rosetintedwineglass.
I am absolutely fine 1-on-1 (with rare exceptions), fine in work meetings, fine to sing in front of hundreds of people (those last 2 I think being because I am “performing” rather than being me). But even a group of three friends can send my social anxiety through the roof. I don’t know what to say (freshers week at Uni was hell - I just had a little voice in my head constantly saying “say something, ask a question!” but I just couldn’t), and I’m extremely aware of my own awkwardness.
The Susan Cain book was great, because it helped me understand there is nothing wrong with being an introvert! I strongly suspect I am autistic - my DS is diagnosed and we are very very similar.
I now permit myself not to do social things that cause me stress - sometimes I’m sad about that because I feel I am missing out. Sometimes I will still go, but mostly, I am kinder to myself.
You are not alone!