For still being shy and socially awkward as a middle aged woman?

[Rosetintedwineglass]

I was at a team lunch with colleagues today. I get on with them perfectly well in the office. Never feel
shy or awkward.

but there’s something about these work ‘socials’ that just make me feel awkward.

there was a group of 6 of us out today, but I find it really difficult to make conversation. I suddenly get shy or worry about talking too much, or not enough.
i panic when there is a lull in conversation, But then if I try to start up a group topic of conversation, I worry that everyone is wondering why I’m rambling on, or
think I’m dominating the conversation.

i know I can’t be doing all these things! But it’s like my inner voice is telling me I’m an idiot whether I talk or stay quiet.

I think I struggle generally with group conversations and find them difficult to navigate. I’m fine with 1-1s.

the result is I sit there quietly, hating every minute. Does anyone do this? And does anyone know how to stop it?

I'm the same. Amazing in work settings. You'd never put me down as an anxious person. Great on the phone, interviews meetings etc.

Put me in a pub or restaurant with the very same colleagues I'm exactly as you describe.

It's like when I'm working I'm method acting in work mode. There's a purpose and socialising is a side effect, if that makes sense? When the main purpose is to socialise I just fall apart.

Avoiding anything that makes you slightly uncomfortable is hardly a long term solution is it? Nor is it healthy.

With anxiety it only makes things worse because at some point you're still going to have to do something similar and if you've avoided doing anything the tiniest bit out of your comfort zone at all it's going to stress you out going from 0 to 100. Like anything else confidence and social interaction is like a muscle/exercise - the more you do it the easier it becomes. If you've stopped yourself from doing something as comparatively easy as an hour having lunch with 6 people you know well, when your employer sends you to a conference to liaise with complete strangers or to deliver training or you start a new job it's going to seem absolutely terrifying and impossible.

As someone with anxiety the only way to improve is to do it more often not less! Try to get out of your head - looking back on the conversation did you notice how much other people were speaking or not? I doubt it, so it's very unlikely any of them thought the same about you. In almost all group situations there's are some people who speak more and some who speak less. It is very very unlikely your colleagues have thought anything about the lunch at all, than "that was nice ugh now back to emails" let alone analysing every comment you made.

The absolute worst that could happen is that you did make a joke that didn't land or talked about something someone else didn't find interesting - and so what? I'm sure you've been in a situation where a friend or family member launched into a monologue about their holiday and you nodded politely but inside were thinking "I don't care" - it didn't mean you stopped liking that person or your relationship was ruined because of one boring or awkward conversation!

I could, but that’s why I’m asking- no idea where to start!

I went to a social gathering linked to my job last week. People were spread over 3 tables. There was an ending time but the three other people who were on my table all left more than half an hour before this. I had been enjoying chatting but once they left I looked at the people on the other two tables and didn't want to 'inflict myself' on them in case it seemed weird that I should randomly plonk myself at another table and insist I join in with their conversations. So I just went home. I didn't even say goodbye. I'm 42. I think I generally give the impression of being friendly and confident but inside I'm shy and overthink everything!

That’s exactly how I’d describe it. I’m really chatty in the office and think really contribute to it being a fun, productive environment. I’d say I’m the one who puts people at ease.

I guess we are overthinking it!

@easylikeasundaymorn really helpful advice.

agree that the only answer is to do it more - not less.

also really useful advice not to judge myself too much. Everyone I know has said something a bit boring, or talked too much about something over time. I still like them! Need to remind myself of this - and not treat it like an interview

I think just sneaking off without saying goodbye is called a French exit and it’s
perfectly normal and not considered rude. People would just say “oh x has disappeared” and carry on chatting.

@DracunculusVulgaris lovely word- gallimaufry! Nice to see it in the wild.

This is interesting to read. I’m the opposite and just talk non-stop when at events, I find it recharges my batteries to socialise and mingle. It’s made me think a bit more about how to include my colleagues who are quieter - I figured they like being quiet but perhaps they’re not sure how to join in the conversation. I will be taking this on board anyway, thanks for sharing and hope you find some advice in here.

@crackofdoom have just come across rejection sensitive dysphoria recently and wondered if it might relate to some of the issues I’ve been facing.

going to read up on it